Recently Married into a sexless marriage

[nwlywed]

Ive been struggling with sex problems with my fiance (now wife) for about 8 months now. I thought and hoped that her lack of interest in sex was just because of all the stress of the wedding planning. I hoped that once we were married that everything would come flooding back - it didnt.
Weve been stuck in the blamce circle for months now. Almost as soon as I gave her the engagement ring our sex instantly dried up. We went from maybe once a week to maybe once a month, all through the engagement. I got distant, resentful, angry, hurt, rejected, etc. Now I am very distant and honestly I dont even imagine us having sex anymore. We have been married 6 weeks and weve had sex once 2 1/2 weeks ago, and on the first 2 days of our honeymoon in mid November. Before that its was steadly every 2 to 3 weeks, sometimes even 4 to 8 weeks. About 80% of those occasions she had been drinking. I got to the point where I would take her out drinking just so I could get some affection. I know it was wrong and ive since stopped. It got to the point though that we would have some drinks and instead of getting amorous she would get verbally abusive and snyde and sarcastic and hateful to me.
The point is that ive tried to talk to her about it, ive bought books on relationships, ive bought toys and adult games to try and get us talkinng about it and ive tried to be more romantic and giving. She is just totally not interested. Any time i even try to bring up the subject she completely shuts down or we end up in a big fight where shes snyde and nasty.
Last week was my 36th birthday and she took me out to dinner and bought me a nice gift. I was hoping that we would come home and have sex, I had looked forward to it all week. Instead we came home and she changed into the same t-shirt and sweatpants and went to bed (last year it was a teddy and thigh-hi's) So I come to bed and try to kiss her and she glazes over, shes done it many times, she'll look off to the side when I kiss her or not kiss me back. Ill ask her for a 'big' kiss, and she wont. After about 15 minutes of me trying to get something started she finally asked me "What is it exactly that youre trying to do?" I was stunned.. I said im trying to get something started. She responded by saying 'well if you wanted to have sex why didnt you just say so' and pulled her pants off. At that point I said just forget it.
How can she be so insensative? Shes been so sexually insensative and downright mean about it for a long time now and its really affecting our relationship. Shes rejectful, she changes the rules, she says one thing but then does another. But then she says if I would just be more romantic shed open up to me again. So I try and I get criticized because it wasnt perfect - the music was wrong, the candles were wrong, I bought the wrong flowers, I should haev said this and not have said that... Besides that I dont really feel like being romantic and its so hard for me to say sweet romantic things when ive been repeatedly turned down and criticized.
I just dont get it.. I bought The Sexless Marriage this weekend and ive been reading it. Im hoping that it makes a difference, but im thinking theres just been too much anger and resentment on both of our parts to salvage this, I think I made a big mistake.

[MJontheMend]

Get out before you have kids.

[Sara]

This is the type of marriage that can be annulled. Don't fight it. Just admit that you made a mistake and move on. Life's too long to live without sex.

[Corri]

There was a poster here not so long ago who had this very problem... except he broke his engagement to the woman, and they went their separate ways.

Read No More Mr. Nice Guy and The Passion Trap. You need to know what it is you are doing in your Rs so you don't get into another and do the exact same thing to the next woman.

And I'd tell your wife that the two of you made a mistake, and get out.

[chocolateeyes]

Three words: run very fast.

[nwlywed]

I appreciate the advice. I have been thinking about our future for some time. Things just arent like they were in the beginning. When we first met and were together we had all these discussions on how were going to be together forever and how were the happily ever after couple and how were going to always be the perfect mate to each other. How we would be so great that it would make all our friends jealous that they didnt have a relationship like ours.
In the beginning sex was great, it was often and she was very sexually giving. Now its like pulling teeth and she hasnt initiated it in months, well unless shes been drinking, and forget about any kind of oral sex. That hasnt happened in a very very long time.
I just dont know what to do. I do still believe in us, we have an o.k. relationship in all the other areas, but this is definately lacking. Ive told her many times that im just not o.k. with having sex 1-2 times a month.
Im hoping she'll read the book too and maybe shell see how important this is to our relationship.

[AmbientCoast]

Six more words:

...like your ass is on fire. ;o)

I'm in a similar position to you. Good relationship, zero sex. However, the zero sex thing has happened - more or less - because we have kids.

But if we hadn't had kids, and the zero sex thing had still happened, I'd still be running.

[sat567]

Cue the tape. newlywed - These posts are to two different guys who were engaged to be married, but who came here after seeing the "red flags" that you ignored ("Almost as soon as I gave her the engagement ring our sex instantly dried up"). Read them and seriously consider annulment.

Oh my goodness, Scott. I wish I were you. I am married to your fiance's twin. Same issues; same arguments; same unwillingness to admit any ownership of the problem; same insistence that, if I just relax and "not focus on sex" that it may or may not get better, but I must love her just the same and concentrate on "growing closer."

Here are the differences between your sitch and mine: We are married. We have one child together, and I have three kids from a prior marriage who view her as a great stepmom. There are other differences, probably, but those are the main ones, and, to me, the only relevant ones.

Scott, if I didn't have children in common with my W, I would divorce her. Don't get me wrong...I love this woman. But, like you, I don't feel particularly loved BY her. Oh sure, she insists that she loves me, and she wants me to be confident of her love for me. But to me, those are empty words that match the feeling in my heart. It shouldn't be a battle just to get your wife to admit that your needs are valid. It shouldn't be a battle just to touch and be touched. Sex, as I recall, can be quite fun.

But not with a woman like your GF or my W. The only "fun" thing about sex with them is remembering how good it used to be. The fun disappears when you compare it with current reality.

And what is up with their insistence that, if we just don't "focus on sex" for some indeterminate period of time, the problems will be solved? And, like you, when you intentionally avoid the subject of sex for weeks or months, absolutely nothing happens. You don't feel closer to her because, well, you need the physical contact in order to feel close. And she doesn't feel any closer to you because she can get inside your head and she knows you are full of anger and resentment over the whole issue. Of course, you can't talk about it with her because it involves sex and that is the very subject you're supposed to NOT BE FOCUSING ON.

(sidenote: Do they fail to understand that by telling us NOT to focus on something, it begins to engulf us? It's like telling the guy holding the armload of boxes to ignore his itching nose.)

You say that her "plan" puts most of the effort on your lap. Welcome to my world, Scott. It is up to you to make your GF's world perfect, after which, she may or may not grace you with the gift of her body. And if she does grace you with the gift, don't go thinking that everything is hunky dory. No, my friend. While you weren't looking, while you were in bed with her, the boulder rolled all the way down the hill again. The wheel was un-invented. Get out of bed and start pushing the boulder up the hill again. Start re-inventing the wheel. There is no room for complacency. There is no time to enjoy the afterglow. Get moving.

Is it worth it? Can you look at yourself in the mirror, Scott, and say, "dude, you are exactly where you want to be today! You are in a great relationship with a great woman who, despite her faults, you love deeply. And, despite your faults, she loves you, and shows her love in the way that you want. You are fortunate." Or do you look in the mirror and furrow your brow and say, "dude, it's got to better than this."

I envy you. To me, your path is so clear ahead of you. One road shows me years of effort and frustration and sadness and anger and resentment. The other road...well, who the f#ck cares what the other road looks like? It's another road. And, if it sucks, then you take another. Or another.

You are in your mid-30s. Believe it or not, that's young. You are not married.

I am clearly biased, but I say, go join the land of the living.

And, from a more recent one:

Dude. Seriously.

I always have to initiate it, and most of the time I get shot down.

That hurts, doesn't it?

I have to be persistent and almost beg for it.

Begging. Now, I bet that's a real turn-on for her.

She tells me that my timing is bad, but I have tried it at all different times of the day, morning/night.

Your timing IS bad. Your "time" was the first year of the relationship. Now, it's her time, and you're wasting it by begging for sex. Oh, and here's a clue: it will NEVER BE YOUR TIME AGAIN.
Quote:

I have tried to explain to her over and over that having sex with her is how I stay connected and loved. She says she understands, but doesn't really take any action. . . .She makes light of the fact that sex is how I connect with her, she thinks I'm just a horny typical guy,

Here's another clue: It's not that she thinks you're a "horny typical guy". It's that she doesn't care about you, your wants, your needs, your desires, your wishes. Everything she tells you: wrong time of day to approach me for sex, you're a horny typical guy, "no", "maybe later", "not now", etc, she tells you to get you to STOP WANTING SEX.

So, you're having sex once a week with a woman who does not want to have sex with you. Chew that for a bit. Tasty? No? Bitter? Yep. Well, just like gum that has lost its flavor, it's not going to magically get tasty again.

The "horny typical guy" comment is particularly disturbing to me. When you heard that the first time, were you inclined to deny it? Who wants to be considered "typical"? Plus, wasn't she saying it in response to your comment that "having sex with her is how I stay connected and loved"? So, in actuality she was saying, "you are telling me bullsh!t to try to manipulate me into having sex with you, which is a strategy used by most men, and such men only use touchy-feely words like 'stay connected' in order to fool women into having sex with them in hopes of a better 'connection', because typical men think that typical women want a 'connection.'"

Maybe, when she said that you were a "typical horny guy", you tried even harder to convince her that it was about love, and that you really aren't some kind of savage and it's not about the pleasure that you derive, but rather, about the deep feelings you have for each other, and how you wish to only share it with her, blah blah blah.

Meanwhile, she is thinking, "hah...got him on the defensive already, and he's busy trying to argue his way out of the "typical horny guy" bag I just put him in, and, frankly, I couldn't care less about what bag he's in, just as long as I don't have to fark him today. Mission accomplished."

You don't want to leave her because you "love her," but I don't think you'd be here, asking advice on this issue if you truly loved her and wanted to be married to her. Because, if you truly loved her and wanted to be married to her, then you'd accept her as she is, without any reservations, without any desire to change her. (and then you could spend the REST OF YOUR MARRIED LIFE being HAPPY with her, and not concerned at all that you haven't had sex with her for MONTHS. Or YEARS. Believe me, what is inconceivable for you right now, will become your reality. If you're okay with that, then ding dong wedding bells are ringing, and best wishes and mazel tov to you.)

Sorry if this seems harsh. Basically, I just wanted to tell you to GET OUT NOW. I guess I got a little wordy.

'Nuff said.

Hairdog

[karen1]

If there is no sex then something isn't right for her either. Be the bigger person and admit it for the both of you. Tell her she's a great person or you wouldn't have married her then kiss her on the cheek and walk away. DO NOT look back.

Karen

[bombardier50]

Nwlywed,
As we used to say in the flying biz: EJECT! EJECT! EJECT!

You're on fire, you've lost hydraulics, and there's a big mountain coming up.

Really, listen to choc and hairdog and everyone else. I question whether you have enough invested in this to go through the heartache of trying to fix it.

One last thought: it sounds like you're over-pursuing. Have you tried doing a 180?