Personally I think it pretty incredible considering you went thru it with your x. Is that going to re-define who I am? Yes. You are judged by your actions. Everything else that I've done in 30+ years and in our time together is all meaningless and is going to be represented by an hour or so of misjudement? She hasnt been with you for 30+ years. She could say right back at you that apparently everything you and her had together was all meaningless to you and you were willing to throw it all away for an hour or so. Everything you have done since then is now suspect. ONS may not be a LTPA/EA, but they still stike very hard at her feelings of security. Its a serious misuse/abuse of power.
The problem w/ men who cheat on their wives and get their desire artificially inspired by fear of loss and jealousy, is that they still havent learned how to stop placating, how to define 'who they are', and have boundaries that are integral to themself and coming from a place of self sufficiency, without resorting to throwing out a boundary that is coming from another's assistance. Its like a bouncer coming up and telling you that if you cause problems, he is going to call the police. If he cant handle the job, you know and I know, that by the time the cops get there, the place could be finished off. There is no respect for that kind of displacement of power and responsibility.
Her desire ends up fading away again, it was just the result of being juiced, and not from him growing integrated.
I still cant believe you would do that to your spouse, after having had your spouse do it to you. boggles my mind.
I know your going thru some really hard times right now, but I recommend you get a grip on your emotionality and drama about this issue if you are able. You have been doing enough other attraction killers allready, and not hearing her tell you what they are. Thats why she feels like a little girl in a red wagon, instead of a woman helping you pull the wagon.
Shes been working her HSA off staying in the fight, and carrying her end of things. dont try to run a record furlong when your in a boulder strewn field, jockey.
I don't really feel like talking to you right now, but there is something that bothers me (among other things)...You come on here offering your tidbits of sympathy, understanding and advice to some of the cheated on spouses on here like Journey, Red, Bomber etc...and..and..look at you! In your words..WTF? Is this in some way, YOU trying to atone for what YOU did?
Why IC? Why? I know things were not good for us, but still...
Ugh. Big hugs to you Mrs IC. I know how hard it is to forgive a spouse. No words of wisdom. Just know you are certainly not alone and vent as much as you want. You have every right to do so.
Sorry IC, but I just don't understand what the point was of even telling Mrs IC right now. Maybe I am in the minority here, but if you got tested for the STD's, and it was really a ONS, and you are sure in Yourself that it will never happen again, then why torture your W with that little tidbit. I dunno...
Still not ready to talk face to face with you...time will have to come, but not now...but I do have some more questions:
You came on here in what? July...this affair of yours was in April...You coming on here, was it an act of guilt on your part or was it a genuine act of trying to save our marriage?
Do you think of her?
Why should I forgive and try to forget about this? What are you going to show me that tells me things are different?
Originally Posted By: blackfoot
I know your going thru some really hard times right now, but I recommend you get a grip on your emotionality and drama about this issue if you are able. You have been doing enough other attraction killers allready, and not hearing her tell you what they are. Thats why she feels like a little girl in a red wagon, instead of a woman helping you pull the wagon.
Blackfoot,
Please clarify on this... I'm not defending IC, but these attraction killers?...other than this latest of course. Yes I made the analogy of the little girl in the wagon...but no, I'm not a child and I don't feel that way.
I read your questions to IC and although they are directed at him I wanted to say:-
Quote:
You coming on here, was it an act of guilt on your part or was it a genuine act of trying to save our marriage?
I think from what has been written IC has already answered this. He said, I believe, that after doing this he realised that just sex wasn't the answer - he wanted to be having loving intercourse with his W.
Quote:
Do you think of her?
I think he has also indicated that if he does think of her it is with shame and regret.
Quote:
Why should I forgive and try to forget about this?
Because as an outsider looking in you obviously have a special relationship. You also have two lovely girls between you. Because if you don't give it a chance you will probably regret it later.
Only IC can answer your last question.
One thing I am curious about. Mrs IC did you have to come on these boards and read about this to find out what IC had done? If that is the case then I think you need to question your communication issues in your M. Is IC always going to run to a public forum in order to be able to open up to you? That doesn't seem quite right to me but that's just MHO.
Mrs IC, the pain does fade - honestly. I am so sorry you are going through this.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Geez, I'm with Saffie here. I can't believe this is taking place on a message board. Are you guy's talking face-to-face?
Miss IC ((((((((Hugs))))))))). Woman, I FEEL your pain.
I don't know if this will make you feel any better, but here goes: I would trade places with you in a minute. He had an affair, admitted it, told you (well, on a message board), and says he's sorry. You both have a lot to work through, but it sounds like the hardest part is over.
My wife is still cruising along in denial, refusing to confess that her "friendship" (EA) is wrecking our marriage.
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
Just thinking a little more. First off I don't have any experience with finding out about a ONS but rather being told by my XH about a 9 month physical affair on Christmas Eve day before he went to tell OW that it was over. As hard as finding out about a long term affair is, I have to say that finding out about a ONS must feel just as bad. First and foremost I will say, from my POV, that telling her, especially because she did sense something was wrong, was the right thing to do. Preferably you could have done it much sooner like when you and Miss IC had really started to reconnect. But you can't do anything about that now.
It is something that you have done and that you and Miss IC both have to live with. Personally I would rather be in Miss IC's shoes than your because I cannot imagine the guilt and shame of doing something so, I assume, counter to your core beliefs.
As far as how you are defined??? Well that's two separate issues. You will have to work at how you define yourself and like it or not this is a part of you now. The question is will you make this a turning point in your life? Is this something you did once and learned a lesson the hard way from? Miss IC will have to answer for herself whether this redefines you for her. And if I were you, I wouldn't be asking her to make that decision quickly. Remember she is dealing with the hurt and pain of betrayal AND the fact that she probably never thought of you as capable of doing such a thing. Even if she can forgive and see you as the husband she knows you want to be, it won't be something she can just do overnight.
If I were you, I'd be doing a lot more looking at yourself right now. I would make sure that Miss IC knows exactly how much you love her, how much you regret your mistake and what you are willing to do to prove it to her for the rest of your lives. I would also make sure that you are ready for all her anger and, which may be worse for you as it was for my XH, all of her sadness. There is a lot of grief she is feeling. While I'm sure you are feeling grief too, I hope you can understand that her grief needs to be recognized by you and respected. [ETA: She might later recognize your grief also but right now you shouldn't be looking for or expecting any recognition from her on your grief. ]
FWIW, I think more XH was so destroyed by the pain and shame of what he had done that he couldn't lift himself out of the hole he dug. Even when I accepted him back to work on the marriage, he quickly went back into blaming me and the marriage for his mistakes because I think it was just too painful to deal with his own issues and shame. While I had never imagined him capable of an affair and such deceit, I don't think he had imagined himself capable of it either and I don't think he handled it well at all. So what I'm trying to say is for you to keep your head on straight because you are really the only one who can deal directly with what happened and if you can really figure it out and KNOW that you won't ever let it happen again, then at least Miss IC can focus on how she wants to handle it from there. And sorry to say there is not much you can really do other than love her and be there for her. In the end it's simply her decision to make.
Last edited by fearless; 12/20/0702:50 PM.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
I am very sorry. If you choose to fix it this can be fixed. It hurts like h@ll and there is no way around it.
IC,
Why will this one stupid act define you for a while?? Because whether she wants to or not Mrs. IC will replay this whole thing in her mind over and over and the worst part is it will be the fantasized, embellished version NOT the reality. So... if she decides she wants the gory details you better be ready to share them - Radical Honesty. You also better be ready to hear whatever she's got to say whether it is about what you did and how much it hurt or whether it is about WHY you weren't getting what you wanted out of the R when you did what you did. Is there the opportunity to Re-define yourself after this?? Absolutely but first you have to take your lumps for the hour or so in which you didn't care about anyone but yourself.
BTW - there is part of me that would be relieved to know my H was having an affair. It would make me feel a little less crazy inside to know that he has some sexual affection for someone.
MissIC, I'm so sorry. You're a brave, strong woman, and whatever you decide to do don't forget that.
IC, if you're very lucky, this episode will one day be something you both can look back upon, not with joy certainly, but as something that's only a small incident in a whole life together.
Don't count on it.
MissIC has every right to kick you to the curb, and the best you can do is forget about yourself for a moment and just be whatever it is she needs. Remorse? Show her how sorry you are. Respect if she needs to talk/not talk/vent whatever. Try to remember how you felt when it was you, but don't expect her to deal with it in exactly the same way.
And one other thing, which isn't your core problem right now but is tangentially related: I am with LFL that you come off as waaaaay too flirty. I used to admire MissIC's restraint - I would have scratched your face bloody by now. I actually had you flagged as a potential affair candidate when you first joined this board. Later, when MissIC joined, I tried to tell myself it might just be "your way", and the cancer diagnosis thing further lulled me into thinking it might be you trying to smile in the face of fear. But it was more than that, apparently.
If you signal "I love women" to all and sundry, someone might take you up on it, and if you're in a bad spot relationship-wise you might be weak enough to agree. I'd be very, very, very careful with such behavior in the future. Not to mention avoiding bars by yourself. Part of fence-tending is simply not putting yourself into dangerous positions.
This is just future for-your-info, should MissIC decide to work with you. For now, just be there for her.
The reason IC had to fess up was because Miss IC's dynamite intuition told her he was still hiding something. And here I was trying to calm her anxieties and all the while in her gut she knew something was not right.
