Your questions seem to boil down to "How can I stop her from having an affair seeing as how I'm so far away, and she's angry with me for being so far away?"
1) You can't STOP her from doing ANYTHING.
2) You need to stop allowing her -- and yourself -- to use your distance as an excuse to have an affair. Your distance may have contributed to whatever abandonment issues she's going thru in her head, but it does NOT give her the right to have an affair. This oozes thru all of your posts, and I suspect it oozes through your convos and writings with your wife.
3) What you CAN do is let her know that you are not willing to stay married while she IS having an affair, that you love her, and that you want to fight for, and work on, your marriage.
We can all share specific ideas with you about daily actions, etc., but until you lose this "excusing her affair" thing, we're really not going to get anywhere. You need to put the consequences of this squarely onto her pretty shoulders right now, and then let her squirm and stew with it for awhile.
Learn the fine art of "I'm sorry you feel that way."
