NikB's latest update (#23)

[S.T. _I Made It!]

Nikki... yes lets make a pact! I even did pretty well yesterday when I went to my s9 school party, and found out it was today. I even said to myself outloud, why do I always seem to mess things up. but I didn't really get upset. my s3 was though. so that's not a good habit to teach him, but he was tired and thought he'd see his bro.

GREAT JOB on your mom! yup, a boundary it was! I bet your mom was a little shocked too

that's cute about the tree. I remember making one when I was a kid, but we didn't have real lights on it. it's neat to have those little things to bring special memories back.

[NikB]

Thanks all!

Dave - yeah, funny actually, I have pictures of me with this tree going back to when I was a very little kid. Looking at it "objectively" the thing's falling apart and not that pretty anymore - but to me, it's beautiful... it makes it feel like Christmas when I plug in that tree.

H - aww that is sweet!! My tree still has lights but no decorations.. oh well.. getting closer!

Trixi - yay!! My twin is back.

Funny enough.. I don't have to defend myself at all. I am sympathetic to H's "side" in all this and I DO understand where he's coming from - I'm empathetic to some degree - and she's not, at all. Yeah, she's my Mom, so it makes sense but I just keep thinking "Can't you even SORT OF see his side??" The convo ended last night when I said something that I thought H had 'rewritten' of our history and said "But of course there are two sides to every story.." she freaked out and said "What SIDE? You stayed and tried to work things out, he has no side." That's when I stopped it. She supports me all the way.. but my convos with her end up with me basically arguing WHY H should/would want to end our M. It's really odd.

--------------------------------
As usual lately I am swamped but wanted to at least post briefly while H is not home!

Some positives..

- I had lunch with a very sweet and inspiring fellow DB'er today! She's the first person I've run across in this area and we had a good time. An hour seemed way too short, so hope to get together again soon. (I'll leave it up to her if she wants her identity "known" or not).

- I am FINALLY catching up at work and had time to take a breath today, and even got out of work sort of on time.

- Shopping is almost done!!

In H related news... some positives there too.

- Last night he was all excited about a gift he got for me. Kept telling me I'd really like it and "I did good!" Then said "Even passed the Mom and sister test!" Apparently he ran it by them at dinner the other night (the one I wasn't invited to and "ass"umed his Mom hates me now or something). So that was nice in a lot of ways - MIL/SIL don't totally hate me, he's interested in Christmas, he's getting me a gift (and putting thought into it), he's talking about positive things w/his mom and sis. That all made me feel really good.

- I mentioned I got the DVD player for H... I think he'll like that. Today I also thought of something small but I think meaningful. Somehow he lost one of the letters off the "MUSTANG" on the back of his car (a classic that his dad bought new in '69 and he has fully restored.. this car is very important to him). I found the missing letter at a local Mustang specialty place. Not expensive at all - but I hope he likes that I noticed and that I got it for him. A month ago I'd have said probably not.. but now, I think he will. One of his complaints is that I was pretty self absorbed in the M (which I was, particularly after I broke my leg and all that entailed). So I think this is a small way to say "Hey I do notice things and am paying attention."

- H has been so much.. hmm.. "softer" towards me (and sometimes even warm) lately. I'm not sure if it's just holiday survival mode but it does feel like more than that. He's totally cut off the EAs and it's work contact only (he's made it clear in a roundabout way several times). With me, he seems to be trying to find a connection again.. feels like, anyway. He keeps commenting on things that I do/say that are "cute" or that he likes.. complimenting EVERYTHING, almost to the point of overkill. Doing a lot for me too. I have mentioned before I never understood the 5LL and now realize he "gives" in "acts of service" and I never saw it before. Just for example he installed that car part I mentioned... during which my battery went wacky... and he spent his entire Saturday practically working on that for me. It's adding up to a much more positive dynamic in general - I feel GOOD about interactions w/him sometimes, not just "ok enough to go along w/it." I'm trying to figure out if there's a way to help us both feel that connection more... but seeing enough positives, I'm going to just go with what seems to be working.

- On a similar note - part of why I can't post here much lately is he is VERY interested in what I'm doing! If he's out in the garage when I get home, he finishes up what he's doing and comes inside to "spend time with" me. (his words). Last night I was replying to some emails and H kept looking at my computer and saying "You're not working are you? You've been working too hard." When I replied "No this is personal stuff, not working" he got REALLY interested in what was on the screen. I lost half a post just because I shut down DB site quickly (don't really want him seeing what I post here).

Don't worry... not getting sucked in and expectations are still VERY low. Just sharing some positives.

Ok.. Grinch is on which means it's time to finish wrapping (I always wrap gifts while watching those cheesy kiddie shows). Hope everyone's doing well and I will check in more soon!!

[NikB]

ST - you posted while I was, thanks!

Alright, let's shake on the pact!! Is there a shaking hands smiley?? I can't find it but... <shaking hands>... I'm in.

At least it was today and not the day BEFORE you showed up, I guess.

Thanks for the kudos on my mom. She looked a little taken aback, for sure. She always thinks I'm "mad" at her if I ask her to stop talking about something.. I hope the way I said it helped make it clear it wasn't about me being mad.

You made one of these crazy egg carton trees? That's cool! It looks like a lot of work, actually. Every year when I plug it in I'm shocked the lights still work.. but glad.

[Trixi]

but my convos with her end up with me basically arguing WHY H should/would want to end our M. It's really odd.

Heh, I guess I should have worded my statement better; that is EXACTLY what happens with my mom when it comes to discussing my H. All I hear from her is how I stayed and tried and he is self-centered, blah blah blah. I try to be even-handed and take reponsibility for my part of the demise of the marriage and she will just press and press. So I have to argue about how I'm not perfect; that my thyroid condition really took it's toll; that I didn't have flexibility when it came to who we celebrated holidays with; and she basically poo-poos what I say. I don't know WHY it makes me SOOOO mad, but it does.

Congrats on all those positives from your H. Sounds really great. I want to gush, but I won't since you're being so low-key.

[forever21]

Hi Nikki,

It's great that you're feeling so good and seemingly clear on your sitch. Your old tree sounds so neat. What a special holiday tradition. Still love following your posts. I can SO relate to you on your Mom. Mine can be the same way. Way to go on your boundaries. That's what ya gotta do, and it works. Keep up the good work, friend.

Love, f21

[S.T. _I Made It!]

<shaking>

I doubt my egg tree looks as good as yours!

I'm sure your mom is thinking of her own past M, and it is justifying her feelings about it when she does that with you. and the more you try to show your faults, the more she may not like it because she should have/be doing the same. I think she might need to get past her own M before she can get past yours....because even if your H does come back totally and you guys are doing awesome, she'll still feel that he was a total "bleep" during your sitch and it was all his fault. and hopefully that doesn't cause longterm resentment towards him.

[NikB]

Thanks all for checking in!

Trixi
Ahhh yeah, so we are twins again after all!

Wow, I can't believe you have those SAME convos w/your Mom. Like you I can't put a finger on WHY it makes me so mad (though I think ST touches on it in her post). Glad someone can relate!

Thanks for not gushing... .. I LOVE the positives but honestly feel.. I dunno.. not confident in it, or something. Like it's probably just a "get through the holidays" or "get through the D with minimal damage" - I'm not ACTING that way, I hope, but I feel it and it's probably why I seem low key.

f21
Thanks my dear!! You sound great, too. It's a CAR FINDER...

Your Mom, too? Must be more common than I realized.

ST
Thanks for shaking on it!! Seems more official that way.

Excellent point - and I'm SURE you are right. She doesn't want to take any responsility, accountability, etc. in what happened and I think it makes her defensive or even mad when I show my own "weaknesses." Sadly I don't really think she'll ever get past, or through, or whatever you want to call it, the M with my Dad... so guess I need to figure out how to deal w/that.

Nothing too exciting to add tonight... but thanks for posting, all!!

[NikB]

Hi everyone,

Not much to add right now - but wanted to post a link to photos from my latest Sonoma trip. As I mentioned we didn't take pics at dinner .. so it's more scenery, wineries, and a few self portraits...

http://www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=agmzr87a.1fqs3esu&x=0&y=qyjz9j

[Dr LOve]

Oh NikB,

That duraflame log looks sooooo Inviting. Ok I think we should have taken pictures. At least by the Jacuzzi Just kidding everyone I was not there.....Is it January yet NikB?
Hope your day is a little less hectic. Talk to ya later W is in a bad mood today so I am laying low.

Hope to talk to ya soon

Husband
( thinking about changing my name to "sleepless in Sonoma"...... too many women calling me husband...

[NikB]

H haha - are you teasing me about that Duraflame?? Hey it's a heckuva lot easier than chopping up wood!

Um yeah - I thought that jacuzzi might be tempting til I realized that it was frrrrreeeezing outside and I'd have to get from there back to the room!! For perspective I should've taken a photo with me in it, shivering in my down filled jacket! It looks all sunny and warm but that was sure deceptive (Sunday was nice but I took those pics on Saturday when it was already cold, topped off with a bone chilling wind.. BRR!).

Had a pretty good day today and a great night tonight. Slowly but surely getting the ornaments up on the tree... frustrated I didn't get it done sooner but giving myself permission not to stress on it. Tonight I went out to dinner with my friend and we saw National Treasure. LOVED IT!! That was a lot of fun.

Tomorrow finishing up Christmas prep, and tomorrow night having dinner with my bro, SIL, and Dad. Bro couldn't get any time off work around Christmas (has that day off but that's it), so we're doing a little early celebration.

The rest of the Christmas plans are kinda weird this year, but I decided no matter what I'm doing my normal brunch here at my house. Invited H if he wants to stay.. originally told him he could invite his mom and grandpa too and then realized I don't want to be around her right now. I'm not sure she'd have come anyway, but I backpedaled and told H that I'd actually prefer she not be here. So for now it'll be me, my mom, possibly my grandma, possibly H - and I decided to invite my friend over too (same friend I spent Thanksgiving with). She wasn't able to get home this year so she was spending the day alone - glad she can come over for awhile! I wanted to invite her to dinner as well but I think it's going to be awfully weird (I described it to her and she kinda politely declined before I even asked my dad.. you'll see why in a sec!).

Christmas day dinner's going to be really weird. It's at my dad's house... my sis talked my stepmom into coming over there and cooking for the family! So it'll be me, my sis, my dad, my stepmom (separated from my Dad and planning to D next year), and her son (major source of strife between them during the M). yikes. I hope it goes OK.

Kinda bittersweet side note - my sis really wanted her mom there overnight "for when Santa comes!" (she's 11 so this is probably the last "Santa" year.. or she may already kinda be past it but still hanging on one more year). Anyway she was really begging stepmom to come overnight and kept saying things like "You don't even have to sleep in daddy's room, I'll set up my princess tent for you!" Aww. Broke my heart, I can't even IMAGINE what it did to stepmoms.

I was quite obviously excluded from Christmas Eve dinner at H's mom's and Christmas day at his sister's.. which is fine, as it would've been tough, but I still thought it was kind of rude. (it came up as "Oh I assume you're not coming with me right?" from H.. nice). It upset me a bit more than it probably should have, but I didn't get completely upset or freaked out - so I'm glad for that.

As long as we're NOT talking about his mom or sis things seem positive.. not GREAT, but small positives. Getting along well, he seems to want to be with me and miss me when I'm not here, has been a lot more caring and affectioinate, those kinds of things. Yesterday he was showing me the gifts he got for his family (this is the first year he's had to do his own Christmas shopping in probably 10 years!). He then said that he knew none of the gifts were "very good" - "but I did great on yours, yours was the only exciting thing that I got. You're going to really like it!"

Soon as his mom or sis come up - even if it's totally NOT R related, he gets all dark and starts talking about what a jacka$$ he is. And yet he's spending a lot of time with them... it's odd. Oh well, not my deal, I know, but it's just odd.

Hope everyone's doing well!