I remember some of what I wrote, so let me try and recreate the post. You need to start to examine feelings and thoughts of all parties involved.
First your W: She is resentful, she feels she has reached out to you, served you, etc...for 15 years and to what result? To a result that she feels spent and has anger and resentment. Then OM comes along, validates her feelings, gives her the EN that she has been missing. Well she isn't the "type" of person that would have an A, in her mind. So the guilt is killing her, eating her inside. So what she does is direct it at you, he did this to me, he made me feel inadequate like a slave, and her anger builds. So she tries to push your buttons, which person could do it better so be carefule, and if she gets a reaction then she gets justification for her feelings for OM and her actions. So no matter what don't react, don't give her that satisfaction.
Now the OM. For his this is dating, I know this is hard to remember, but it is playful and fun. Your not looking for a life, a wife and kids, just someone fun to hang out with. Then as things become more serious, you get drawn in. Well if you interfere then they have to chance to ruin it themselves. She will always wonder if she missed out on her romance of a lifetime. So don't ever ask, don't snoop, don't bother. What will happen, is as you don't react to her button pushing, she will become more and more guilt ridden. She will sit around and complaing to him, crying and whining how bad you treated her. Suddenly, OM sits back and goes what am I doing, I would treat you the same as well, your a downer a crier and I've had it. His friends will point it out. In a guys eyes, if it where your friend you would say, "hey man, this girl is emotionally unstable, what are you doing?" He will begin to question, then the fights begin the R will crumble. But this doesn't happen this week, this month, it could take 6 months to 2 years. You have to have your marathon shoes on.
You. You have to stay calm at all times. Women want to talk, they want someone to hear there problems without trying to fix it for them. They want to validated. She may tell you problems with you, that isn't initiating a door for you to fix, keep validating, and she will start talking about her problems at work, kids, school, etc. She just wants someone to listen to her. Be confident, calm and collected, act "as if" look your best. Well as you begin to build that trust even in the smallest interactions, the OM is ruining his with her. Why? Because why should he have to deal with your R breakup on her end.
So give it time, realize that GAL is necessary to ease your mind. Follow the techniques. Get that PMA, tell yourself your going to have a good day. It will change.
When this happened to me, I was in a decent paying job. Not what I wanted to be doing, but it wasn't bad. I finally left, because for weeks I sat there staring at the wall doing nothing. Then the day before I finally left, I went out all night drinking, pulled in the parking lot to take a swig, went into the bathroom to put on the clothes I had just picked up at home. Never slept that night. I was in the top 5 of a couple hundred person company. Couple of hours later, I'm in the hall way and caught in an imprompto meeting with the Pres, VP, and one of the IT guys I was out with all night. I lean against the wall with my hand and fell flat on my face. I was never confronted. IT guy says to this day they had no idea, but I don't believe it. I was so embarassed the next day I turned in my resignation.
Reason I tell you that story, is you think everything is hopeless. Well I now have W hanging out occasionaly, I was asked out today by a very attractive, but younger, women. I know that I will be more than fine if W goes, I don't want her to go, but if she does, I will be fine. Matter of fact, I'm now pushing for the D and will get it, she wants to work on things after that, but we will see. So don't beat yourself up. Do as I said above and things will change.
