yikes! I wasn't saying you were actually gay. I was saying that if your H's sexuality was as OldTimer described then it might as well be the case that one of you was gay because your sexualities would be so incongruent because I was assuming that you wouldn't like that kind of thing.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
There ARE men who very much enjoy assertive women, and having her lead the entire way through sex... and women who very much enjoy BEING the assertive one. That isn't bad... you just have to know what you like, and have to be honest in expressing it.
I gotta be picky and point out that being assertive and being dominant aren't necessarily the same thing. A submissive can assertively signal "F*ck me, f*ck me, f*ck me." (nobody you guys know). Although I guess it is kind of hard to imagine a passive dominant unless you just think of a big cat yawning and then lazily pinning an annoyingly hyper monkey-girl with one paw with an apparently effortless gesture.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
No, I certainly don't think a submissive fantasy is gay. Nor do I think a submissive fantasy is freakish. I think your H has fantasies he is afraid to share. Being dominated is a VERY common hetero fantasy of males, and one which they are loathe to share if they fear someone might be judgmental of it.
Fantasies of submissive sex do not make a person gay. I think you need to read OT's post again.
And I don't think MJ was calling either one of you gay... what she was saying is that if both of you have a preference for being the 'submissive' one during sex, attraction for each other will be absent... kind of like having two positive charges, or two yin's...
you know... opposites attract... that doesn't mean you prefer women or he prefers men... it may mean that sexually, your male/female energies are not balanced.
Yeah, sorry OT, Corri, and MJ, I'm just in a funk about the whole thing and I think your point is probably correct. I think we are both submissive sexually. Not gay, just submissive.
H knows my fantasies usually involve a man being very dominant with me. Not any S&M stuff, just very aggressive. My H is very uncomfortable doing that(and I guess I am too) so.....lack of sex is the result.
No, I certainly don't think a submissive fantasy is gay. Nor do I think a submissive fantasy is freakish. I think your H has fantasies he is afraid to share. Being dominated is a VERY common hetero fantasy of males, and one which they are loathe to share if they fear someone might be judgmental of it.
Well, I think he actually has said (in a round about way) he would like me to take charge sometimes and just jump on top of him, so... Come to think of it, I was probably the sexual aggressor when we first started dating. My first mistake of many...
It's really fun being the aggressor when you decide that's what YOU want to do, that's a side of you YOU want to explore.
Perhaps what is needed is a bit of LFL courage to explore other potential areas of her sexuality and use your H to do so. And be utterly and lovingly selfish about it.
I know you are right Corri. Just because he can't step out of his comfort zone doesn't mean I shouldn't. So Why Not is indeed the question. I'm still trying to figure that one out. Is it because I'm really still angry at him and why should I give him what he wants? Is it because I'm just selfish and want things my way? Is it because....well, I could come up with all sorts of reasons but none of them are excuses. It is really still messing with my mind how great the sex was with the Alpha Soldier Guy. That's the truth. I can't help but think....what if... I know that is wrong on many levels but it's in this crazy head of mine. I've been so good too about distracting myself from it all but it Always comes back into my head. Probably because I can't figure out the sexual stuff with H. It's a catch-22. Ugh
You don't know that he isn't willing to step out of his comfort zone... I believe he has actually tried... yet he also knows you are going to judge him if/when he fails. How many times have you said you could have sex but you don't because it isn't what you like?
Yes, it sounds to me that YOU are the one who is not willing to step out of your comfort zone, and he can only go so far out of his comfort zone if you aren't going to go with him. kwis?
Alpha Soldier Guy is nice, sure... because you don't have to take any emotional risks whatsoever. It is exactly how you like it, so you don't HAVE to say one word.
But I bet the farm it wouldn't STAY that way, because once things got emotional between you, the sex would change.
I think all the anger and avoidance you are accusing your H of... you are actually as guilty of, yourself.
Now, if you really try things, you expand yourself, and you STILL can't get there... well... then you two can talk then. But can you honestly say you've given it a good college try?
Again... it isn't about HIM. It's about you. Taking/asking what you want, and giving what you want.
If it makes you feel any better I think this is ONE of the issues that H and I have. I can be sexually agressive but I am not dominant. I was pretty agressive during our dating (yeah - I'm a big dummy). I think I was fighting the voice of ex-H in the back of my head telling me that I'm not sexy AND lying to myself that H was just inexperienced not disinterested. It is really crazy making. I'm sure that you have taken steps outside your comfort zone but he corresponding passiveness on his side just makes you want to jump back in. The animal that most represents my sexuality right now is a hibernating bear. If that bear wakes up it will be hungry and P!ssed.
