Im at home now....not getting much response on my thread, so any advice would be appreciated. I'm at probably the lowest point right now.
W left today with kids to go skiing for 5 days. I wasnt invited. I have the kids next week. My kids kept asking me why I wasnt coming. My W also took off her wedding rings last week. This probably hurts the most. I cant explain what this feels like. It really hurts right now.
She has no sense of reality when it comes to spending right now. Buying tons of gifts, and staying at an expensive ski resort. Loaded the kids and herself up w/ new equipment. Then, she emails me two days ago to ask if it's o.k. to go on a trip with her friend to Cabo in Jan...it would be about the 12th vacation for her in the last 12 months. I said no, it's not ok with me as we are both doing vacations right now and I dont know where all this money is coming from. She lives in a sort of fantasy land as far as our money is concerned. Dont think that I'm a tightwad, but I dont think travelling the world with her friends is affordable, nor do I think its the right thing to do for a mother with a couple kids. I knew of course she would get pissed at my reply, but, I need to stand up for myself. She didnt talk to me last night, and said hardly nothing this morning. I'm not expecting her to contact me at all while she's gone.
I know she has met with her lawyer and is proposing a formal separation on 1/4. I am meeting a lawyer tomorrow to see what I'm in for.
Do I have any hope? I have never seen her so cold and its killing me that those rings are off.
I know she has met with her lawyer and is proposing a formal separation on 1/4. I am meeting a lawyer tomorrow to see what I'm in for.
Couple of thoughts
1) Money. Do you have multiple incomes? Is she reliant on you to fund all of these excursions? I would start by restricting her access to money that isn't generated by herself and limit your financial exposure to her activities. She is obviously being irresponsible with money, so time to take yourself out of that whole equation
2) Rings. It's hard when they take them off, but you already knew she wasn't committed to the M, right? It may be a visual reminder, but it doesn't really change much of anything.
She isn't living in reality right now - What is her plan to find somewhere else to live after separation and pay for all of those expenses? I'm sure your lawyer will tell you to start keeping your stuff separate so she can't drain all the cash out of your family.
Not sure if any of that helps - Sounds like you need to be a little more aggressive and stand your ground to avoid being burned.
We both work...she makes a bit more than me. It seems to have always been my money supports the family and expenses and her money is for her entertainment, shopping, decorating, etc...we use the same account. She just doesnt really know where we are financially. It's pretty good, but boy will it change if she keeps down this path.
But..I just opened my own checking and got a visa. I am having my paycheck deposited into my account. However, she has a couple huge checks coming, and I'd like those to be put into 'our' account, so I prefer to not divulge my own checking account yet. If I get some official papers from her, then I will shut down the visa, empty the checking, and make some other account changes.
now..I was talking to a co-friend of ours that knows us pretty well. She's really supporting me. So, I asked her what the heck should I get W for xmas? She said do what she's not expecting. She's expecting you to not do much. Get her a diamond. She loves diamonds and even if she wont accept it, it will kill her to have to do this. I was thinking of getting her something minor, but I think she might pass that off too. So, maybe that is a bit of a 180 for me? I know what everyone is going to say....she wont wear her rings, why would she wear a necklace with a diamond on it. Maybe she wont, and she might not really accept anything from me either way. But, the diamond may stick in the back of her mind for awhile and be tough for her to pass up. She is still wearing her diamond earrings I got her several years ago.
got some legal advice this morning. rather large hit to my pma....I asked her how often do you see a couple at this stage reconcile? "never"....though I seem to have read many success stories here that have.
need a little pick me up.
bought my w an xmas present. I know its what she really wants. its a 180 for me in a sense. it will kill her if she has to reject it. but...I made an effort.
its a complete shock to the system for this to be happening, to have to compile all my info, and to think that I made her this unhappy that shes willing to deal with this.
any idea hom many couples that are seperated actually reconcile? I'm reading the odds are really low, sort of like my attitude, it doesn't even earn pma status.
any idea hom many couples that are seperated actually reconcile? I'm reading the odds are really low, sort of like my attitude, it doesn't even earn pma status.
Who cares? If I told you it was 20% would it really matter, if you're part of that 20%?
'Odds' don't fix damaged relationships - Time, consistency and commitment do.
YIKES! Don't email OM. What would be the purpose? It would only get back to your W and cause more discontent. I guess you are Captain Chaos right now to even be thinking of doing this...
Me: 29 W: 28 T: 10 M: 7 No kids 2 Dogs and 1 Cat With Parents: 09/16/07 Apartment: 10/13/07 Back Home: ~2/16/2008
