Adventures of Supermom...JennyF's 2nd thread

[JennyF]

Thanks So2 & Blindsided.
Blindsided, this is great advice...thank you. I have to tell you that it makes me really happy to see you giving advice and encouragement. How does it feel? You seem to getting a bit better every day. Good for you.

I left S with H for a couple hours tonight while I went to the Christmas party at my D's preschool. It went well. It was nice to spend time with my D without my S there. It was weird though...felt like my left arm was missing for those couple hours.
H did ok with S. He just slept the whole time anyway. I made sure I fed him right before I left so he was all topped up.

H stayed and put D to bed. It is just so weird to have him here like this as it seems so normal. I wonder if he feels normal?

H seems to be in some sort of identity crisis (I've known this all along...no new revelation or anything). But he's been dressing differently. It's so funny...he's only 29 but he's displaying all the classic MLC signs. New fancier clothes, obsessed about $$ and status, he cleans is SUV twice a week...he was never this materialistic and it's weird to see these things matter so much to him. I don't like it. I wonder if it is OW influence.

ANYWAY, enough about him. I read something in another post recently that really struck me (sorry...I forget where so I can't give proper credit to the author):

1.There are NO magic answers. Sorry, all you newcomers who arrive seeking the magic potion to revive the spouse and marriage; there is NONE.

2. I will not repeat the standard DB methodology here. The odds are you have had it drilled into your head ad naseum. FOLLOW IT. If only for you own sanity.

3. The WAS does NOT give a darn about what you are doing, so quit worrying over what they are doing. You CANNOT control their actions, beliefs, thoughts, etc.

4. Quit pushing. Quit hoping something will happen NOW, TODAY. It will not, unless you keep pursuing, then you can almost guarantee the outcome and it will not be the one you seek.

5. Relax. Exercise. Walk. Run. Play a sport. Ride your bike. Chase your kids. Take ALL the energy you are wasting WORRYING over your spouses actions and how your actions affect the spouse and put it into something you control.

6. Find a new balance. When the spouse quit on the family and the relationship, the dynamic swung violently out of balance. Find a new center. Focus on you, the children, the dog, something besides the old dynamic.

7. The previous M or R is deceased. Quit digging it up and examining it and trying to breath life into the lifeless form. Start a new R, hopefully with your spouse. But the old R has to die or you will be right back where you are now.

8. Quit taking blame. You are 100% responsible for your 50% ONLY. You contributed to this, but you did not do this. The spouse is being selfish and cares ONLY about themselves. Remember that.

9. It is ok to be sad, angry, frustrated, bitter, confused, and all the other emotions churning around. Find a time or place and experience the emotion. Do not deny it, but do not let it control you. And do not let the spouse see it.

10. Be positive. Be upbeat. Again, if only for your own sanity. Fake yourself out. Self-fulfilling prophecy. This goes right to "act as if." You will feel better and it will become second nature.

11. You may not get your spouse back and guess what, you may reach a point where you may not want them back. You are in control of your R and your life now. ENJOY.

It is # 7 that is most relevent for me right now. The old R is dead. H is here almost daily, so we still have some kind of relationship even if it is only for the purposes of co-parenting. I am going to stop focusing on the loss and focus on rebuilding a new relationship. If it can start off well enough now based on our interactions, then hopefully we can be in a good place WHEN the R with OW ends.

I have invited a bunch of friends over on Friday night for some Christmas drinks. It will be weird not having H here, we always enjoyed entertaining at the holidays.
But I think it will be odd for him when he finds out they are all here and he is not. I am inviting the friends whose house he has been staying at sometimes lately...so I wonder what will happen when they say he can't go there because they'll be here! Interesting....
Well I've waited 11 months to have some wine and I CAN'T WAIT!
J~