Maybe not too complicated to understand

[Michael Mc C]

Today was our first session with C. W was just oozing with her lack of enthusiasm. She told me that she had to pick D13 up at 5:00 so she'd have to leave early (we assumed the session would be over at 5:00). I asked her to call a friend of ours whose D is also in cheerleading but she had many excuses why that wouldn't be possible. Not a good start.

C opened up with getting our family histories and then jumped right in (far from verbatim):

C : I'd like to know what brings you here. Who would like to start?

W : We've had problems before and started having problems again in the summer. I felt it before H did. But now I want a divorce. I'm here to minimize the damage.

C : How do you know what the damage will be? There is no crystal ball.

W : I know but H said he would fight the D if we didn't go to counseling.
<Not at all what I said and she knows it!>

C : How is he going to fight a divorce?

W : Well, not the divorce. The grounds for the divorce. I'm trying to work with him to make this as painless as possible.

Me: I'm here because after 20 years I want to learn how to love my wife the way she needs to be loved, and that includes everything. Showing love, appreciation and respect in a way she will receive it. I want to learn to communicate better and unlearn a lot of the habits we've taught each other.

C : How do you think you can do that? Your W sounds as if she's reached the end, she's fallen out of love and wants the marriage to be finished.
<I cringed. What the hell is she saying???>

C (To W): What is missing that makes you want this to be over after 14 years of marriage?

W : I'm not fulfilled. I'm a housecleaner, a maid. I make sure things are taken care of. I don't feel like a woman. I'm not excited in the marriage.

Me: If my actions appear to make you feel appreciated, or make you seem excited or you seem to feel loved, I will think that I'm doing my job. There's only so much I can do with the information I'm given.

C : You think of this as a job?

Me: No, not a job, lack of a better word right now. Fulfilling my role as a husband. Providing what W needs in our marriage.
<She really irked me with that comment. Maybe clarity IS better though.>

C went on examining W's complaints and asked me for some input. At first I thought she was going to take the route of "there's nothing that can be done with the two of you, your goals don't mesh" but she didn't.

C : It seems there's a pattern to the way the two of you interact.

M : A lot of how we treat each other and show our love and appreciation, even how we argue, is based on what we've taught each other over the years. We know what buttons to push to follow the "script" but these are apparently not healthy buttons.

C : So how do you think you can accomplish your goal?

M : Come to see a counselor who can help us dig through the mess to find out what we've been doing wrong AND try to find the right way of interacting.

C began speaking to W, almost exclusively, about plans after her D. Asking about income, custody, living arrangements, etc.

W : Well, there are a few things about this. H will keep the kids with him. He'll keep the house. He'll be the primary caregiver.

C : What? Why in the world do you think that? NJ is a <insert legal term for 50/50> state. Shared assets AND shared debts. 50/50. Since neither of you are millionaires the court will force you to sell the house. Since it's his family home, if he wants to keep it he'll have to buy you out. It's not a question of want you want to do, it's what the court will decide. The mother almost always gains custody of the children.

W : Well he has nowhere else to go. He has no family here. I can move to my mother's.

C : So you want H to take the kids, the house and you get your divorce and be free?

W : No, there's just no other way. I'm trying to work with him on this. That's why I'm here.

C : Is there a reason, and there very well might be, why the two of you can't continue with your current separation, staying in the house?

W : I wanted to but he won't be able to handle it.

M : Well, there's another aspect to this that hasn't been discussed.
<Talking about OM. If you remember, as long as she wasn't pursuing a relationship I was more than happy to share the house - fair or not it's what I'm capable of>

W : No, that's over. That's not an issue anymore. It wasn't realistic, it ended last night. I...

M : You don't owe me an explanation.

W (To C): I met someone, but that's over.

C : I think you're being too hasty.

W : I agree. I think the in-house separation can work.

C : No. I think your seeking a divorce might be too hasty considering the impact it will have. There appear to be many things you haven't taken into consideration. Divorce is easy to do, hard to live with. Marriage is hard to do, easy to live with.
<Or somthing like that. I liked it.>

Those are the highlights I guess. Our homework assignment is to go out on a date. Nothing crazy. It does not have to be romantic but regardless of how this ends up we need to lighten up and be able to tolerate each other's company.

Personally I'm concerned that a "date" will be too much like a test. Oh well, I've been working on my PMA and confidence. Maybe it's a good chance to test myself.

And I guess I know why W was in a slump last night - OM is gone once again. Not sure for how long. Not sure who made the decision. I did hear her crying after I went to bed. God, that's the worst part. To hear her cry kills me. I knew there was nothing I could do so I quietly shut my bedroom door.

I forgot to include W's comments that she would not want the marriage even if she found that it could be fulfilling. Her reason for this is because whatever changes were made would not last....