Update: I want to Salavage my Marriage

[SuperDad]

Chris,
Funny, but I have the opposite issue. WAW still wears her wedding band (but not her engagement ring???). For a long while, it drove me nuts for a long time that she was still wearing it, with zero desire to work on improving our R.

Of course, now that I realize that this is all part of her inability to form an integrated Self at mid-life, it seems more sad than anything.

You can probably see your W's behavior in the same light. She wants to be your W, but also has somehow lost her true Self in the Persona of "Chris' Wife", her destructive behavior is most likely part of this search for her true Self. If a misguided one.

SD

[PhD_ChrisD]

Hi SD,

Yes, I think you hit the nail on the head here. The MC says the same thing that she is searching for herself. Even W says she is reinventing herself and this is the "New Natalie." Of course she notes that I probably will not like much about the New Natalie. She is right about that.

Funny things these identity crises. It is certainly making me crazy. Even the MC said today that she is way out in her behavior. Unfortunately, she shows no signs of slowing down.

WRT the MC, it is a fight just to get her to go anymore. I really don't sense a committment on her part. She has started calling them "bitch sessions" and uses her attendance to extort whatever it is she wants at the time.

Best,
--Chris

[Heimlich]

Chris,

I hate to say it, I know how you feel about it, but are you sure she's not having an A? Out a few nights a week. Taking off her ring and offering lame excuses. MC is now a 'bitch' session.

I don't want to downplay the positives, and your W may very well just be trying to regain her sense of self. As you've mentioned, you were controlling. Hopefully she can find and define herself within the context of being married to you. And you're doing a great job of being patient as she works through this.

I guess I just don't want you to be blindsided if she were to ever reveal an A.

BD

[PhD_ChrisD]

Heya Heim,

I don't think I would be completely suprised if there was an A. I have my suspicions. However, she says she is not screwing around and even said so today at the MC session. I believe her.
My thought is that if I want my marriage to work, then I need to give her the benefit of the doubt.

I would not be blindsided by A news. I just really hope that it is not the case. An A would kill our M.

Best,
--Chris

[Heimlich]

I always thought an A would be unforgivable by me as well. Ironically, told my best friend that about 5 hours before W told me of her A. You honestly don't know what you'll do until confronted with it.

For what my advice is worth, I think you're taking the exact right stance with all of this.

BD

[Atlas]

Chris,

I'm not sure what the asset picture looks like. Who has been doing what, but if I had my chance again I would hire a PI to follow W on a couple of occasions. One that gets video. Not to prove anything, but in a divorce, I've learned this, they are going to say and do anything.

My next door neighbor is on his third M, his 2nd W left claiming he was hitting her. Well he saw the writing on the wall prior to this. At D mediation, they walked in with a VCR and TV, said he would make sure her whole family saw it. She left the house the next day, didn't get crap and he kept custody of the kids.

So just protect yourself. My W was saying all the same things. Then even in court she wanted to be nice, ya you should have seen the affidavit's they submitted about me. Thanks dear!

[PhD_ChrisD]

Heya Heim,

Thanks, my friend. I think that the reality is this is the only stance I can take. I could drive myself nuts by thinking all kinds of bad things, mistrust, etc. The fact is, my marriage already has enough mistrust and that is one of the issues we need to resolve.

I hope things are going well for ya. I will pop into your thread and check-in.

Best,
--Chris

[PhD_ChrisD]

Heya Atlas,

I have no doubt that if we ever went after the big "D" that it would be a dog-fight. She would say and do anything to get custody of the kids and so would I, really.

The asset picture is typical: house, cars, vacation property. I would like to retain as much as posssible, of course, but my priority is my children. I think that a divorce would mess them up and I don't want that. If I have to take old Wifey's crap for a little bit until she pulls her head out in order to preserve my kids' family, then so be it.

Best,

--Chris

[IAChild]

Chris,

Merry Christmas!

M

[PhD_ChrisD]

Hi IAChild, All,

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to everyone. I hope that 2008 brings a better year than 2007!

Well, things are still status quo here at my sitch. W still finds it necessaqry to run the streets two nights a week (well, more actually if you follow closely) and I am still trying to DB the whole thing. We are still doing the MC (next appt. on Jan 7) and I hope that helps.

Often I get the feeling that W is still very much disengaged from the family. She still has a lot of anger, etc. She tells me she feels "smoothered" every time I tell her I love her. In fact, it makes her angry to hear that. I can't figure that one out. Anyway, I think our MC finally saw the real her in our last session. She was angry, bitter and a bit mean. He actually pulled her aside as we were leaving to see what her problem was.

Best,

--Chris