Start of real Separation

[soul_mate]

I will start of by saying I did look at her phone saw a message from OM saying I wish I could move with you or something to the effect and he called her baby. So when I was leaving for work she said how do I look and in a smarta** way I said great baby. I know bad DB and I shouln't have looked, but at this point I don't see what it matters. She called and was trying to see what was going on with me I said I am not going to lie to you I saw a message and just wanted to prove to myself that there was more than you are saying with OM. Of course she is very angry that I invaded her privacy and then go's right into denial again saying OM may be serious, but that does not mean I am. Well whatever I feel better about it in some weird way. At the very least she knows I am not stupid and do realize things. She was angry and said she would not go to the play with me now. I just let things go after this and went on with my life pretty much ignoring her.

A couple days after this OM cell phone thing it was time for the W to move out. By this time she seems to be completely over my invading of her privacy. Me and a friend of mine helped move her into her new place. We had fun with it considering the circumstances we even joked about the happy couple that was pictured on the U-Haul. She made some funny comments about if I found a suprise when I cleared out one of her drawers. Indeed she had a toy in there and must have though it was funny that I ran into it and said something like a girl has to do what a girl has to do. I laughed and made some funny comments back. After my friend left she asked if I wanted to go to lunch I said No I guess not she asked a few more times and offered to treat me since we now have separate money so I said sure why not. We talked and it was a lot nicer than normal a few little things were said about the R, but not much. She even said that she now wants to go to the play if I didn't plan something else. I said I still have them for you. At the end of the day she gave me a hug I think I may have initated it, but she seemed to really want one. This is a first since we separated. When we were out she did make a couple of comments about how we make good babies and she did want another, but I did not until we started having problems. I said well I didn't say one way or another because you didn't express an intrest in having another child until after we started having problems.

The next day we went Christmas shopping for the kids and we both had a good time. Before we left she wanted to come over to my house and take a bath and get ready. I said sure. She still has no problem taking off all of her clothes in front of me even taking her pants off and asking if I could iron them for her. As she was getting ready she said she is really depressed about moving out and knew she would be. I said well you should be.

After this weekend and spending a lot of time with her I am trying to be more distant now. I can't let her have her cake and eat it too. She has called me the past 3 days and I have either kept it short or let her calls go to voice mail. well I guess time will tell. The funny thing is I know deep down she still loves me and does not want this. A lot of the problem is she has a lot of pride and she now fells like she has to do this even though it seems like she is forcing herself. Another note she has not said anything about D for a while now and I am pretty sure she has not looked into it yet. She did make a comment during our weekend that no one agrees with what she is doing. I said I agree with a lot and even understand the separation, but there are a couple of things I don't agree with at all. She said what like getting a D and I said yes. She dropped it and said nothing else.

In summary I am feeling better about myself in general. As for the situation most of the time I feel like sooner or later she is going to come back to me I just can't see it any other way. I don't see her being happy with someone else and having our family split. I even feel like she herself does not want this at all, but is being held back only by pride and hurt. She even has admited to this at times saying that it probally would be different between the 2 of us. Other times I feel like who knows if she will ever come around and if she does it may take an extremely long time. In the end only time will tell the only question is how much time will I go on living like this.