I hear you, Miss IC-- this may be something that you need to grapple with on your own. I definitely get feeling like an outsider in someone's life. Your relief may come less from IC changing his ways and more from YOU learning to manage your anxiety and your feelings of being an outsider in your marriage.
Look within yourself and try to identify those feelings of exclusion apart from IC's behavior. Have you felt this way before? I ALWAYS felt like an outsider in my FOO. And I tend to feel that way now, too.
Not saying IC shouldn't do some work on this, too, but own your part of it, and you'll probably get results much faster.
Look within yourself and try to identify those feelings of exclusion apart from IC's behavior. Have you felt this way before? I ALWAYS felt like an outsider in my FOO. And I tend to feel that way now, too.
(((((Lilly))))
Yes, I have felt this way before....many times. In fact, in the past, this has probably been one of the biggest factors that led us into an SSM. Through feelings created of mine own and through IC's behavior that pushed on these feelings of being made to feel like an outsider.
Without realizing what I was doing, I was shutting down from feeling that way for so long and it finally got to the point of discussing divorce...without us really realizing what the problem was. IC came on these boards...picked up whatever he did and made changes to himself, resulting in me seeing these changes and making my own as well. There are just times when it seems that we are slipping back into that state. I don't want it to get that far into things before we wise up and right our ways.
I get the feeling that what led IC to these boards was lack of sex or the phrase SSM. But when he got here, he realized that it is so much more than the sex or lack thereof that leads to an SSM. I think his first post was something along the lines of "my wife hates sex" and that NEVER was the case. It was all the other factors that led me to feeling that sex was what it was all about for IC...like that was the only reason I was in his life. Makes you feel pretty sh!tty !
That all changed, IC made changes to himself (and he still is...I'll give credit where it's due), I changed how I felt. I was allowed; not by IC, but by myself to explore my own sexuality and things have really opened up for us since but like I said above....I feel at times we are slipping and I want to try to catch things before they fall. That's how I'm feeling right now...not with how sex is going, but with the outsider type feelings.
I don't want this to come across wrong, but at times it's almost like I don't really know him and I'm not really sure what it is that is causing him to be like that. I know he's dealing with a lot, but I almost get the sense that there is a deeper hurt that he's holding onto and not wanting to reveal or let go of, and by keeping me at a distance, it makes it easier for him to hold onto whatever it is.
it's almost like I don't really know him and I'm not really sure what it is that is causing him to be like that
It could be that he is holding on to something... or it could be that two people can only be SOOOO close, kwim? I mean, no matter how close you are to someone, there will be places you cannot go in them. Y'all are just now correcting the SSM situation, and now you have the cancer to deal with. It will take time to sort things out.
This is where what I call the "Assumption of Good Will" comes in. This means that, all things being equal, when you don't understand something about your partner, the default condition is that you attribute GOOD and POSITIVE motives to your partner's behavior.
BTW, I could NEVER get my bf to agree to this. Everything is zero-based with him. Start at the beginning each time.
When I asked if you ever felt shut out or like an outsider before, I meant before you married. In childhood, at school, etc.
It could be that he is holding on to something... or it could be that two people can only be SOOOO close, kwim? I mean, no matter how close you are to someone, there will be places you cannot go in them. Y'all are just now correcting the SSM situation, and now you have the cancer to deal with. It will take time to sort things out.
Lilly,
I can't talk but a second. I know what you're but just by judging what I know about IC and what goes on behind the scenes of the message board...he's holding onto something. I've seen the before and after of him telling me the whole thing with his dad...I've seen the before and after of him telling me about the cancer...and I'm seeing the before of ?????? that is still eating at him.
Originally Posted By: Lillieperl
When I asked if you ever felt shut out or like an outsider before, I meant before you married. In childhood, at school, etc.
I'll have to think about this and get back when time permits...but first reaction would be to say "no"
.I've seen the before and after of him telling me about the cancer...and I'm seeing the before of ?????? that is still eating at him.
And you found out when he was ready, didn't you? He may not have done it perfect, but you still found out.
So... when you were feeling LD... when IC hounded you about sex and having more of it with him... did you feel more inclined or less inclined to have sex with him?
Same applies here.
The only dif that applies, IC, is IF there is something to tell and you are not saying so just to get through the holidays or to protect your W/kids... it's admirable on one level... but on another... very condescending... and hurtful, to your W.
