well, all hell broke loose, it is over and done

[whapu]

Cat,
I leave for awhile and lookee here....men fleeing from windows and smart a$$ responses from a smoking gun with breasts! I am sorry Cat that you are going this direction but only because it will throw more undeserved bruises to your emotional precense. You have gone WAY over the call of duty and turned over every rock for some sort of assurance you could place your confidence in. It is not your fault that all you uncovered was sh!t.
Your children will be fine and you will flourish after letting these wounds heal. You are an incredible woman and you should be awfully proud of yourself that you aren't carrying a large bundle of bitterness.
I haven't been able to peer in as often as I usually do but will try to make more of an effort. Now I will giddily expect the new transformation of your new life that will carry everything you deserve....GOOD things for a change..Peace

[cat03]

I so, so appreciate your wonderful prayers my dear friends)))))) how can I not feel blessed with friends like you?

So much to tell, don't know where to start, the gist of it is that H is a mumbling histeric wreck, he is begging and crying and about to have a massive coronary, we've been talking on and off, he tried the "it wasn't what it looked, I went there to break it off, I had too many layers of clothing and she hates it when I drag my boots in her carpet (actually, he did have 3 layers, he went to a firing range last night), I jumped because I didnt' know what to do and was afraid you'd take it the wrong way". Of course I don't believe that baloney.
We tried to call our C, I told him that didn't mean I was taking him back, that we just needed to talk to reach an agreement. Our C can't see us but his T will, he had an appt for tomorrow.
He tells me his feelings for me were destroyed the day he left in 05, that he just can't find them, but that he doesnt' want to loose me, that the ow found him at work and kept showing up, etc etc, admitted he was a looser and weak by seing her again.

And what goes around...

When he came back after the "great escape", she was furious and showed him picts of her,apparently she makes money taking porn picts, using all sorts of "tools", she wanted to show him that she too had a double life. He (says) is disgusted and that he could've gotten a disease from her and truly see what she is.

For a while he sounded suicidal and had me really really worried (i'm off but I told him i didnt' want to see him, he's been driving around for hrs aimlessly and he's got a gun, bad combination)
I was talking him down, he has no one else to talk to, which is really sad, no friends. He did talk to a friend from work earlier because he admited he was about to do something stupid.
He's 25m away, a wreck, knowing that perhaps he's lost it all and hating himself enough to die. He cries, he sobs on the phone, he is having a nervous breakdown.

I can see this merry-go-round could very well repeat itself, him back, him feeling still depressed, him falling for someone else or drugs or what have you. He cant remember ever being happy with me.

Folks, if I were single (and had the $) I'd be at a lawyers office right now. I'm a precipice, holding a huge elephant by the tail, by the hairs of the tail, the reason I have not totally decided 100% that i'm divorcing him is my children.

I think it was Kel who made a pact with her H to see if they could still work things out, and if not they'd D. For now, I dont' think I can take less than a separation. When my H left in 05 I learned that day how much he loved me. Perhaps by being separated we both will have time to make a wise decision, perhaps he will actually see what matters in this life when it is all said and done and maybe at least become a whole person and at least be a good father to the kids.

[runningoutoftime]

Cat,

You've truly been an inspiration and have gone waaaay beyond what most people would do to try and save a marriage. Don't regret trying, and don't regret wanting to believe him and giving him those chances. You bestowed great love, and respect on your husband and your family. You also gave him plenty of chances to appreciate you and having his family together. But it sounds like he really wants something else and that's just the reality. The good thing is there's no need for any more pretending or lies. Just let him go. I know you are angry and mad. But let that go as well. You don't have time for it and you need to focus 100% on YOU. Treat yourself very very well. Especially now during the holidays. You know the reality and it's now time to accept it and live it. Before you file, emotionally LET GO.

Start working on you and your future... and a future without him. Get yourself emotionally and financially in a good place. Focus more on your kids, friends, family and other support systems. Make your goal a healthy self-love, self-esteem and letting go of any anger, wishing husband and OW the best (even though you'd like to smash strawberry whipped cream pies in their faces), and go CREATE A GREAT LIFE FOR YOURSELF. Cry and accept the relationship with your husband is over, go through that pain, but then see the opportunity. You have a chance to start new, make a terrific life for yourself, get involved in some positive things, spend more time with friends and family.... Yes, you would have preferred having your family together, but that's just not the reality. Time to create a new one. No more pretending, no more lies.

Also, keep in mind, there's no reason to rush into a divorce. I'm not saying that to try and save your marriage. I just think it's wise to take a little time and get your ducks financially in order prior to filing.

Except, well, there is one reason you might want to stay legally "married".... If you want to retain more control over who your kids are with. But if you decide to do this you must do so with eyes fully open (knowing there is OW or women) and accepting it's an "open marriage." You are just parental partners, and you and your husband lead separate lives. No expectations of each other.... and then file when your youngest turns 17. But that's a big sacrifice. Weigh everything carefully and do what is best for YOU.

{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}

[cat03]

I'm still in one piece thanks to God and wonderful friends everywhere, when the gremlings try to attack my mind this is what i sing in my head, I downloaded it on my phone and play it over and over...

LIFEHOUSE--EVERYTHING
Find me here
And speak to me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place
Where I find peace again

You are the strength
That keeps me walking
You are the hope
That keeps me trusting
You are the light to my soul
You are my purpose
You're everything

And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You?
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this?

You calm the storm
And You give me rest
You hold me in your hand
You won't let me fall

You still my heart
And You take my breath away
Would You take me in?
Take me deeper now

And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You?
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this? (2x)

(chorus)
'Cause You're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything
Everything

And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You?
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this? (3x)

Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this?

[Aud31]

Oh hon, you are amazing.

((((((((((((((SUPER HUGS))))))))))))))

[Sara]

Cat,

This is beyond the skills of a wife and mother. You need to get him to a mental hospital where they can stabilize him and help him. He needs professional help. I hope the therapist can steer him in the right direction. This is truly a crisis.

[ediemarie]

((((Cat)))) I am so sorry this is happening. You are an amazing woman with great strength and character. Be strong. You are capable of providing a loving home to your children without your H.
I'm praying for you!

[sgctxok]

Cat,

This is beyond the skills of a wife and mother. You need to get him to a mental hospital where they can stabilize him and help him. He needs professional help. I hope the therapist can steer him in the right direction. This is truly a crisis.

Cat---you ARE amazing.

I agree with Sara...

If you think he will harm himself, call 911...the police will come and gently talk him into having himself committed, (at least overnight) and if they think he may harm himself, THEY will commit him (at least overnight). (I have done this before--unfortunately)

[cat03]

Im blushing now :P you all are too kind. I prob am still in the shock state and haven't moved down to the other 4 stages, or mercifully God is giving me that same merciful numbness he gave me when I had to leave my mom to live with my dad.

I think he has calmed now enough not to hurt himself, right now he is in punishing self mode and still half coherent and not believing he is so close to loosing his family.

I don't know what kind of reasurance he can give me that he hasn't give me last time (or whatever passed for reasurance). I told him that, and still it is not a sure thing what I'll do, he needs to shape up before we think of what to do next.

Ow threatened to screw him up at work if he didnt' talk to her 1 more time, they ended it, I heard it, I was on speaker phone.

He was supposed to stay at his mom's but 5min ago he came home, I'm not throwing him out, for tonight he's sleeping on the sofa, he's a wreck and still repeats how he doesn't know what to do or how to feel and that he hurts.
Anyways, we are still going to C, im trying to think how he can live elsewhere and not affect our finances, I guess that is impossible. We'll se what happens at C tomorrow, he does need more help than I can ever offer like Sara said.

Thank you all for walking by my side)))))))))))))))))

[Atlas]

cat,

Lets get our feet under ourselves here and see what you can do for you. He is saying these things tonight, what happens tomorrow? You don't know. So I would suggest you do the following.

1. Demand the gun, get it and get rid of it. Take it to a friend or whatever, don't sell it, but get it out of the house, he is a danger to himself, you, the kids, OW and other people.

2. Lie to him if you have to, but tell him your willing to work on things if he meets on condition. That he checks himself into a full time intake facility. Not sure if is ready for a mental institute, alcohol program, whatever, but tell him you won't consider any kind of R unless he does this. Why do this? It will give you time to think, him time to change, and if it goes to D, which is likely, well now you have the huge upper hand for custody, home, assets, etc. Get the ball in your court.

Your such a strong person, I can't believe you did what you did and kept your cool as you did. What a story. Don't waste this opportunity to attempt to fix it, but don't waste the opportunity to do what is best for you and your kids. Get him checked in somewhere, NOW! Do it in the middle of the night if you have to, skip work, whatever, but get it done.