Walking The Line

[Pudmuddle]

Hi Aud,

I enjoy reading your thread, and you have very wise people here as friends. Many of the things said here have inspired me again to keep piecing my heart out.

I too, keep wondering about OW, especially the way my H just cut her off, she doesn't know his cell #(he changed it) and he got rid of the emails she knows, and returned her key, so as far as I know there is NO contact. And I have to believe that until proven wrong.

I do see that your H is trying to keep you posted on his whereabouts, that is good. And I wouldn't worry too much about the OW/Fiance relationship, that will fizzle out, especially because they will have to get on with their own lives soon too. I think she is trying to make it look like she is all desirable having old hookups as friends still...that's gotta make her new man kind if wary...

Hang in there Aud.

[BeingMe]

Hullo Aud! You sound strong, and things seem to be moving in the right direction for you. I hope it continues to do so. Have you got anything exciting planned for Christmas?

Take care.

[Aud31]

oops--double posted

[Aud31]

Whapu,

Thanks for the visit, my friend. I've been missing having you around! I hope the new job is going well and that you have a Merry Christmas with your family.

I feel like a general constantly strategizing manuevers before any war has begun.

Are you saying we need to drop the analyzing and stress and just *be*? Yes, we do. I think I am doing that more now...but I don't want to be blindsided again just when I think things are going fine. I know you KWIM. And I know that this in-and-of-itself becomes confusing because we're so busy concentrating on floating along that we can't seem to firmly grasp what is really going on inside us. And that creates some internal uncertainty.

Here's something I read yesterday about just this topic:

"...when we continually worry, we squeeze [our desire] so tightly that it literally dies--we choke it to death! Let go of the choking, the forcing, the pushing, the worry. Do your best to establish the faith that when you are doing your part, you know the [necessities] will always be available to you. Worry is negative and faith is positive. Faith and worry cannot occupy the same space at the same time. So, which one would you rather have working in your life for you, the negative or the positive? You can't afford the luxury of a negative thought! Let go of the "have to" and allow the natural flow of things to occur. Then life flows much easier and is more enjoyable.
I'm not suggesting you do away with goals or other plans for your life. I'm suggesting that you be flexible. Then if situations or opportunities seem to take you in a different direction than planned, you will be more willing to flow with it. You might find it much more exciting and beneficial than the original plan..."
-Karol Truman, Feelings Buried Alive Never Die

[Aud31]

Pudmuddle,

Thanks for stopping by! I do appreciate my very wise friends and you are most welcome to join me any time.

About the wierd OW/fiancee thing...we'll see. She supposedly married a young'un who is very self absorbed. I don't see the appeal in hanging out with ex-hookups, but then again, I would never have considered going after a married man either. ICK.

Blech, all the stuff we wonder about, worry about and none of it is under our control. That's where we need to take over and keep up with GALing and move our attention to positive things that ARE in our control.

I'm glad your H cut her off. I hope he keeps it that way and continues working his tail off to be the husband you need and deserve.

[Aud31]

BeingMe,

Thank you for checking in. I am feeling strong, and it's really nice to be able to say that...it's most definitely an improvement over last year!

Nothing super exciting planned for Christmas beyond spending time with our families. I finished my shopping last night (yay!) and have some sewing and lots of wrapping and then delivering to do...I really want to have it all done by Saturday so I can relax and enjoy the holiday. Are you planning fun times?

((Hugs)) to you--I really am blessed to have you watching over me.

[peaceful_spirit]

Aud,
It is a hard balancing act, isn't it? You want to give your H the space to be himself, yet you want to be treated the way that you want to be treated.

As for not saying things the moment they come into your head, this is very important. I work on this daily. I often leave the room and think things through before I decide if I'll say something. And MANY times I do decide not to say what was on my mind, becuase I was able to work through it on my own. I have even said this to my H... that sometimes I need to think things through on my own before I just blurt things out.

What you said about worry vs. faith.... I LOVE that. I have never thought of it that way, but it is so true. I am so glad I read that. I am a BIG worrier. And I am working on building my faith. And when you let go and let God, then the worry goes as well.

YOur H isn't into C. Well, neither are a lot of men out there. And you will have to respect his feelings on that, becuase if he's not open to it, it won't work on him. My H was like this at one time, but he is in C now and has been for a year and a half. In my H's case, he was so messed up in his own head that he finally decided he needed help. He was quite lost.

You are doing well. And I think you have a good perspective on things.

[believing_isaiah43]

{{{aud}}}
i don't check my stepford email very often, so thank you for what you sent to me. i so appreciate you. will write back soon, working extra shifts lately - fa la la la la.

[Aud31]

Time for some journaling:

Things are going really great on the surface in my M.

H is playful and does thoughtful little things for me, has spent some nice family time with me and the kiddos...and for Christmas, he surprised me with my "missing" wedding ring, re-set with a new diamond. It's just gorgeous, and I'm so glad to have it back. It was kind of like a dream.

Under the surface, I'm still fighting some nagging worries...what if the diamond is a "pay-off", who might be calling/emailing/texting him, are we slipping back into old territory now that things seem to have settled down? He still spends most of his evenings away from us...working on the all-important custom horsepower projects. Guys need their time, I know, but is 5-6 nights a week a little much?

I've been thinking a lot about the faith thing, and I believe more than ever that my answers lie there. H's repentance and conversion won't happen through me. They'll happen through the Savior, and I need to trust that.

I guess I still feel confused as to what my role is in the whole thing: Am I here to show love/understanding/compassion/encouragement? Or am I going down the same old cheeseless tunnel and allowing him to take everything he can get without real consequences from me? Should consequences come from me? What's my place in this?

[peaceful_spirit]

Aud,
I think it's a combination of a few things... You do need to still be loving, supportive, etc... but you also need to hold your H accountable for being a husband and a father. This is different then nagging or putting rules on him.

The diamond ring sound amazing. And i can understand why you worry about the motivations behind it. I probably would, too. But at some point, we all need to take things at face value. Maybe he did that for you because he loves you and wanted to do something nice for you for Christmas.

so, he's out of the hosue at night a lot. Is this within his control? IF so, I don't think it would be unreasonable to ask him if he could back off the work thing one night.

I know you're scared to initiate any talks with your H. But do make sure that the lines of communication are open. So, if there are things that bother you, you should gently tell him that. Or if there are things that you need from him that you're not getting, you should ask for it. Otherwise, resentment will start to build within you.

This is a fine line. It's a balance between communicating enough to keep things healthy with your H and not communicating too much.

Have you thought about seeing a MC alone? This might be very helpful for you to understand your role in the M and what YOU can do to contribute to the building of your R.