I haven't read this thread, but only the first post. Here is a question my C asked about XH once when I was complaining about our sexless M:
"What are his fantasies? What does he masturbate to?"
I had no idea, nor did I give it much thought.
My guess now is that he gets off on being taken (thereby absolving him of responsibility for sin) and at the same time being called a bad little boy.
But, when C asked, I didn't even have a guess. Who knows if my current guess is correct... It made sense years ago when I was consumed with thinking about XH right after the bomb. I certainly don't care what gets his rocks off. But my point is that I SHOULD have cared when C asked. I SHOULD have had a clue.
Not to say I SHOULD have tried to realize his fantasies for him. If I'm correct about what they are, they'd be a huge turn-off for me. No problem with kink, it is simply not my kink. No thank you. So, if I had had a clue, the M probably would have ended sooner. I wouldn't have bought sex book after sex book in a futile effort to end the platonic aspect of that R.
But there was NO WAY we could have ever made progress on the sex issue when we both had no clue about each other's authentic sexuality.
So, ask yourself: What makes H hard? What makes him yearn to be alone so he can jack-off because he is so horny?
H probably isn't asexual. You probably just aren't part of his sexual world. (Yuck.)
If you really want to save your M, try to find his authentic sexuality, probably through trial and error, and then see if it is something that works for you.
Wanted to touch on the sexual stuff first before the impact of his leaving.... Those are all great questions oldtimer. Actually, we addressed this specifically in MC and I believe I've written about this on the board before. The MC directly asked H: "What are your sexual fantasies?" He was like a deer in the headlights and his honest to God answer was "I don't have any." Now whether that was truly the case or not, I don't know. MC seemed surprised since I guess most people admit to some fantasy. We got into a whole discussion about how he was just not raised around sexuality at all, his father was very "proper", his friends have always been very "proper" and all that mixed in with wanting to be PC towards women led to him not sexualizing them in any way. Getting back to his father for a second, he ended up leaving his mother for a woman who also seems completely asexual (and they seem to be happy as clams to this day). I really think this is combo of genetics and the environment he grew up in. He tries now, in his way, but he is still very inhibited. He is not asexual but he could be if he had to be (I think) and I really don't think he has any hidden sexual world like porn, etc. Never showed any interest in it even when I suggested we get some to spice things up. I dunno....
