H said our M is "platonic"

[fearless]

SG - Not quite. I see it as the breaking of a magic circle that kept her eyes turned inward ... which is what I was trying to illustrate with my fire analogy. There were problems before, and after, but now leaving is on the table in a way it wasn't before.

SG, I can understand that analogy but I don't see how it fully applies to LFL. What about these statements from LFL?

He says he just fell into a depression and running was the only solution he could see in his fogged mind. That whole thing hurts more than out entire SSM issues. He changed as a man in my eyes that day and may be the crux of the problems now.

and

Mojo: It is one thing for a man to signal "I'm not feeling very manly right now and you aren't helping." It's another thing for a man to signal "I'm not willing to be the man."

LFL: Nicely put.
And when H left he clearly signaled the latter. Yuck.
If he had chosen for former before he jumped ship, we might not be where we are today.

They seem to state very strongly that his weakness was more of a turn-off to her.

The funny thing to me is that weakness can be demonstrated in many different ways. To me, Blackfoot's description of how he handled his "puppy" seemed more weak than strong. I see a man who cannot handle having a puppy side and has to destroy the puppy as the flip side of going into full puppy dog "poor me" mode. Either way you are a man who cannot control your puppy, right? But in LFL's case it SEEMS that she might feel more comfortable with the man who is willing to destroy his puppy??

ETA: I didn't mean ANYTHING about the pain of being left. Since my best friend's XH left her for no one I can certainly vouch that it hurts just as much!! My point was about the WEAKNESS of having another person involved. And my friend says that while it hurts, at least she knows her XH was man enough not to mix himself up with another woman. I do happen to believe that people who have affairs are weak.

Again I think this is the point of my disagreement with you. I don't really think the being left was as much of an issue for LFL as the view of seeing her H as a "man" who was weak enough to rent an apartment behind her back and to leave after a confrontation AND to leave because he couldn't cope. At the same time of course it had to hurt for her to be left. She just hasn't seem to focus her words on that issue as much as she focuses on how weak and unattractive he is to her.

ETA: But then again maybe she doesn't focus on feeling hurt because that's uncomfortable and all the discussion about finding her H weak and unattractive is really just a way to hind from those hurt feelings???????????