well, all hell broke loose, it is over and done

[cat03]

I so, so appreciate your wonderful prayers my dear friends)))))) how can I not feel blessed with friends like you?

So much to tell, don't know where to start, the gist of it is that H is a mumbling histeric wreck, he is begging and crying and about to have a massive coronary, we've been talking on and off, he tried the "it wasn't what it looked, I went there to break it off, I had too many layers of clothing and she hates it when I drag my boots in her carpet (actually, he did have 3 layers, he went to a firing range last night), I jumped because I didnt' know what to do and was afraid you'd take it the wrong way". Of course I don't believe that baloney.
We tried to call our C, I told him that didn't mean I was taking him back, that we just needed to talk to reach an agreement. Our C can't see us but his T will, he had an appt for tomorrow.
He tells me his feelings for me were destroyed the day he left in 05, that he just can't find them, but that he doesnt' want to loose me, that the ow found him at work and kept showing up, etc etc, admitted he was a looser and weak by seing her again.

And what goes around...

When he came back after the "great escape", she was furious and showed him picts of her,apparently she makes money taking porn picts, using all sorts of "tools", she wanted to show him that she too had a double life. He (says) is disgusted and that he could've gotten a disease from her and truly see what she is.

For a while he sounded suicidal and had me really really worried (i'm off but I told him i didnt' want to see him, he's been driving around for hrs aimlessly and he's got a gun, bad combination)
I was talking him down, he has no one else to talk to, which is really sad, no friends. He did talk to a friend from work earlier because he admited he was about to do something stupid.
He's 25m away, a wreck, knowing that perhaps he's lost it all and hating himself enough to die. He cries, he sobs on the phone, he is having a nervous breakdown.

I can see this merry-go-round could very well repeat itself, him back, him feeling still depressed, him falling for someone else or drugs or what have you. He cant remember ever being happy with me.

Folks, if I were single (and had the $) I'd be at a lawyers office right now. I'm a precipice, holding a huge elephant by the tail, by the hairs of the tail, the reason I have not totally decided 100% that i'm divorcing him is my children.

I think it was Kel who made a pact with her H to see if they could still work things out, and if not they'd D. For now, I dont' think I can take less than a separation. When my H left in 05 I learned that day how much he loved me. Perhaps by being separated we both will have time to make a wise decision, perhaps he will actually see what matters in this life when it is all said and done and maybe at least become a whole person and at least be a good father to the kids.