Chuckle. Cruel has nothing to do with it... just like in business... you can be friendly, but not friends. It's business. And remember, 'cruel' is often a matter of opinion... one your 2bx KNOWS will work with you... who the HE!! cares if that man sees you as cruel? He's left you and your kids high and dry. To me, that takes 'cruel' out of the equation. Why doesn't it for you?
Speak of the PAL. Guess what? He sent me an Xmas card. Here is what it says.
Quote:
I want to apologize for being the crappy husband that I was. I said and wrote things I wish I could erase. I hope you realize all that awfulness is about who I am-an *ss- and not you. I guess by now, you do. You deserved better. I hope your business picks up. Have a good holiday.
I am going to take the dog on a long walk to the park where I will scream and kick things. Will one of you please tell me why this makes me so angry? The best I can explain it to myself is that it is like some kind of f*cking lame*ss emotional booty call.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Mojo: I'd write back to inform him that, apparently, the check for child support must have fallen out of the envelope.
Then, I'd go here and unleash the awesome power of a fully armed and operational government program designed to collect what you are apparently too bunny to do for yourself. That's fine, by the way, but at least let your bunny enlist the lioness paid for by your/my/our tax dollars so you can afford to pay your internet subscription. (Purely selfish motive at work)
I see what you mean. But I'd say, then, that my 'trust' issues are more a problem than my mother or security or sex. I have to have a very solid sense of it before ANYTHING. And that is something I sense from a person... it probably even gives me the feel of a lioness, because there is a part of me that is very wary.
Well, I'm distracting myself by considering your problems. I think that the bunny is concerned with trust and the lioness is concerned with respect, not quite the same. Let's think about a woman who is mega-strong-bunny. Let's say she goes out on a first date with a guy. Let's say she has sex with the guy and it turns out to be a sort of typical worst-case-casual-sex-scenario maybe of the Wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am-no-orgasm-immediately-passed-out-partner variety. Now it's easy to imagine the sort of negative self-talk a weak bunny might have or the negative thoughts about the man or men that a weak bunny being protected by a lioness might have but what would mega-strong-bunny do? I imagine her shaking her little head, perhaps yawning a bit, wandering over to the mini-fridge to have some macadamia nuts and some Evian, fixing her make-up as she smiles at herself in the mirror and then texting a good friend "Well, that guy was a bit of a waste of time. Do you want to meet me for brunch tomorrow?"
OTOH, I don't think that it is particularly nice to have sex with men you don't respect even if you aren't concerned with issues of trust because your bunny is so fat and contented. So, it makes sense to size a guy up a bit no matter what.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Mojo: I'd write back to inform him that, apparently, the check for child support must have fallen out of the envelope.
Thanks, HD. I think I reflexively opened the card because I had some sort of subconscious childish thought along the lines of "Maybe there's money enclosed."
There is really no good reason I'm not getting child support. I've just been discouraged/procrastinating because the equation is that:
1) My D will be 18 in 18 mos. 2) My S is 19 and currently makes more money than my 2bx. 3) I make more money than my S19 and my 2bx combined. 4) Gas is expensive and time is money so is it worth my while to file a couple forms and drive down to the courthouse to collect the pittance I will receive?
Therefore, it's really more of a moral issue than a practical issue.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
It seems to me that you are having the same issues with your 2bx that I was having with my father and his constant withdraws on Banc du Corri. Remember when I said I was writing him a letter to state that the bank had closed? Did so. Nice, but clear, I thought.
Don't you know he called me today. Here's how he starts, and I so knew what he was doing...
Corri: "How you doing, Dad?
Dad: Oh, I guess okay. Kind of so-so.
(Meaningless small talk ensues, and then he informs me that he is just tapped out and no Xmas presents will be forthcoming from him this year. Tell the boys for him. Eyeroll.)
Dad: Oh, Corri, the next time you are out.. uhm... could you...
Corri: I'm sorry Dad, I don't have any money to send you. I hope you remember that in the last month or so, I've sent you over $1,000. I'm tapped out. Remember? I'm done. I told you that. Do you understand how bad it hurts me to have to tell you no?
Dad: Corri, you're father is an azzhole. Blah, blah, blah, more self-deprecation ensues... and don't you know, the convo ends rather quickly.
I'd say, Mo, your 2bx is looking in the mirror and confronting himself. If you let him off the hook, as you always have, he can go on with his self-delusion and complete irresponsibility.
I say... follow that link Hairdog gave you... even if you only collect ONE MONTH of child support. It is the exact same thing as me closing the Banc du Corri. I'm sure some other very astute poster on here can illuminate why that is so. I just can't explain it right now.
I think you're angry because his message was yet another lame-a$$ excuse and play on your sympathy... typical whiny mopey "nobody loves me because I'm a loser" type 4 b.s. It was a statement that, even though the content is accurate, was stated in a the tone so juvenile and poor me that you just want to slap him. Did he think this note would make you feel better about anything?
Yes, it is a moral issue. Your daughter is still a minor and will be for another 18 months. Not to mention all the *back* child support from when they were younger. How much all the parties to this arrangement are earning is entirely beside the point. If he wants to make up for being such a crap husband, let him do it the way that counts: by taking some financial responsibility, however little or late, for the children he chose to father. In fact, whether he wants to make up for being a crap husband or not, he still should take such responsibility as a co-parent. Don't make it easier for him to keep being a PAL. I have trouble believing you still have any cowishness left for his pathetic bedraggled whining puppy self, but that's kind of what it's reading like .....
OTOH, maybe that's what's making you so angry ....
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
I think I might have posted this before but not too long ago my mother told me the following anecdote. She and my father were having one of their screaming fights and she said to him "I know that you would never hit me." and my father replied "Yeah, I would never hit you because then I would have to worry about you stabbing me to death in my sleep." My mother thought this was a very funny story and I could tell that she was proud of the fact that my father thought she was capable of such behavior.
I'm still trying to completely understand how to categorize certain behaviors into their animal group. Like I'm not sure that I recognize your mom's anecdote as Lioness as much as, pardon me, crazy.
What kind of behavior does the following anecdote signal from my grandparents?
My grandfather liked to joke the last few years of his life that he had planned to have his will state that all of his estate would go to my grandmother and if she remarried, it would be split among his kids and my grandmother. Then he says that she said that was fine because "I'll just live with the guy." And he completes the story saying that he removed the stipulation because he didn't want to "force" his wife to live in sin. He clearly enjoyed the spitfire attitude of my grandmother. I have no idea of the validity of his story but he got a kick out of it and so did she. To me it's a combination of lioness and monkey on her part and Wolf? and monkey on his part.
Also he liked to start dirty jokes around us kids at a young age and my grandmother would step in with a raised eyebrow at which he stop his story. But he seemed to clearly be setting her up to do it too! Cow from Grandmother but puppy dog or monkey from Grandfather???
But then again I am still trying to figure out the whole thing...
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
Dad: Corri, you're father is an azzhole. Blah, blah, blah, more self-deprecation ensues... and don't you know, the convo ends rather quickly.
((Corri)),
What I can't understand is why it wouldn't just be easier to just be a man. I think I feel sorry for my 2bx because I'm projecting the fact that if I were a man and I was behaving like him I would be so ashamed I would have to kill myself. I highly doubt that filing for child support garnishment will be the magic charm that will cause PAL Peter Pan to transform into Super Alpha Man and, obviously, there is no reason in the world why I should give a cr*p what effect it has on his functioning one way or the other.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
