State of Mind

[BeingMe]

I have been somewhat remiss in keeping up with my own thread. Wii, I will try and make this Christmas the best I can. So far, lights are up, tree is too and decorated, shopping mostly done, menu done, gifts sent to daughters far away, so now it's just a matter of waiting for the day.

Phoenix, I have been pretty busy, but also starting to feel less need to be here. I have been offered a job (yay) at the local college, and start on Jan. 7. It's a 20-hour a week job, so I will have time to continue my creative stuff, and time to taxi D15 around.

Other than that, not much else happening. I am sad I won't see my D27 and D20 for Christmas, but that's life. I am glad my S20 and D15 are still here with which to enjoy the day. H comes home on Saturday morning, and will be home until Jan. 2. As far as our R goes ... nothing has changed much. I don't think he will ever truly understand what he did to our M, and I doubt he thinks he needs to do any changing. I don't talk to him about it anymore (haven't done so in almost a year) since it's pointless trying to explain anything to him. He just says he's sorry for hurting me and won't do it again. It's also been months since I talked to him about our intimacy problem, but I don't think he feels there is a problem, and he just says I shouldn't feel there is. Nice to be told how I should feel, huh! Now, I am pretty detached, and not in the least interested in an intimate R with H ... sure, we hug and kiss hullo/goodbye, but that's it. We 'talk' to each other several times a day, mostly about his work/travelling and how my day is going. Nothing earth shattering! Really boring! On the very odd occasion we might actually have an interesting chat about politics or something, when out to our usual dinner date on a Saturday, and we sometimes watch a good movie that we have enjoyed together, and may comment on that. Otherwise, it's all about the kids, the house, his job, and I guess there's nothing really wrong with that, except I wonder what the heck we have in common anymore, besides that. This is not what I wanted when I took H back, and I have tried to negotiate a new M, but he doesn't get it, and I have stopped trying. I used to think I may be a WAW one day, but I don't even think of that anymore. Just take it one day at a time, and see where it goes, until I am inspired to do something different, and outrageous. I still wish I could've got the job in Afghanistan .... might have brought us closer if we had that much space, but it wasn't meant to be, I guess.

I have been feeling somewhat despondent (almost depressed) lately ... not sure why. I sure do need to snap out of it. I guess it's the time of year, and I feel the absence of friends and family that much more sharply.

Take care, y'all, and sorry for the downer posting. I need to revisit my GAL goals.