The End or Just a Begining?

[Heimlich]

From your previous post, lay off the sarcasm. She's reaching out to you, if you need time to yourself, tell her. Don't push back, you know that. Also, I'm reading tension in you from having to watch your son all of the time. Can you work out a more equitable arrangement so that you can have some Atlas time?

That's a horrible question to HAVE to ask. A reasonable question TO ask. I think you're absolutely justified in asking that question. Could she be waiting for you to make the first move. Bath with the broom door open. Peeing with door open.Parading around in panties and bra . . . Jump her. See what happens. Just a thought.

Shoot, forgot to add, there's no way to really soften that question, but maybe workign that you're sleeping with everyone that your partner ever slept with, or something like that, might soften that a little bit. Tough one, but you gotta ask at some point. Question for you: Do you feel that moment coming possibly over the holidays? What about just having some condoms on hand in case?

BD

[Atlas]

From your previous post, lay off the sarcasm. She's reaching out to you, if you need time to yourself, tell her.

Done, and thanks for noticing, saw that on someone elses and you don't alwasy see your own faults.

Also, I'm reading tension in you from having to watch your son all of the time. Can you work out a more equitable arrangement so that you can have some Atlas time?

The time S isn't bothering me, it is that she uses me as her clubbing sitter. I actually keep close track of that in case I have to use it. I get enough alone time as it is.

Could she be waiting for you to make the first move. Bath with the broom door open. Peeing with door open.Parading around in panties and bra . . . Jump her. See what happens. Just a thought.

No, that isn't it. W is pretty open sexually and with her body. Second time I met MIL was her PhD grad party and saw a lot more then I would have liked to see. Plus when the girls all get together at MIL's house, you never no if a naked hot tub party is about to insue. Don't think great, most are older and it isn't that spectacular to arrive back early with FIL and see some older lady screaming through the front room naked. Haha!

Question for you: Do you feel that moment coming possibly over the holidays? What about just having some condoms on hand in case?

Done! I could see it. There is not a lot of reaching out and touching on her behalf. Sometimes hugs are small and the kisses can get pulled back. But you never know, and with the holidays, the moods, a little booz, I wouldn't dismiss some casual sex. So I have to be ready if it does.

[Atlas]

W never showed tonight after we talked about watching a movie today. No expectation though. S and I had a good night.

Then all the sudden she calls, said she wants to see how I'm doing. We chit chat about work. Then she asks about S. Then out after she tells me she just needed some alone time tonight and she decorated her tree, and is getting ready for bed, she thanks me for the amazing evening last night. Says I hope your not focusing on all the R talk we had, because I had a good time and hope you did as well. Let her know that I had a blast, and feel like we are becoming good friends again, to which she says she does as well and it feel good.

Says she will see me in the morning and tells me to have a good night. Sorta weird to have it like this again. Well I just keep watching.

[Heimlich]

Don't think great, most are older and it isn't that spectacular to arrive back early with FIL and see some older lady screaming through the front room naked.

Just a general philosophical rumination here, why don't the people you actually want to see naked, ever get naked?

[Just_Me]

Atlas,

The way that Ann phrased the STD question was good if you decide to go the route of suggesting she gets checked out. But are you at the point in the relationship where that should come up?

If it were me, I wouldn't allow myself to have sex with her yet, but that's me (Or maybe I'm high. Maybe if faced with sex I wouldn't be able to help myself). I think that it's something she should take the lead on in a moment of sobriety and when she has those feelings for you again. I wonder if you would get more mileage from holding off on sex until she's got the warm and fuzzy feelings for you again, rather than allowing booze and the moment to dictate things. Just a thought. I've always been old fashioned that way though.

Me

[PhD_ChrisD]

Heya Atlas,

Good plan to not open the R can of worms. The "alone time" and not showing without a phone call does bother me a bit. Do you ever feel you are just too nice to her? She blew you off for movie night, that had to hurt a little.

Stay optimistic, but cautious. She is in a wierd place right now so I suspect she is a bit volatile. Best to tred lightly and stick with your plans.

Best,
--Chris

[Atlas]

Just_me,

W wouldn't initiate without the feeling, but she isn't shy either. With what has been happening, I'm condom ready and who knows. But I do know there is no way I could resist her, no way. I would like to think I have that will power, but ya, it ain't happen.

PhD,

The phone call doesn't bother me like you think, W has always been like this. She could leave work be 2 hours late, call her no answer. Then another hour later she would call crying and lost. Very independent. We used to live in Vegas, and she can't read maps or find directions, but she could find her way home if she could find the stratosphere. We couldn't live farther from it, she would leave down the block and return hours later, trust me nothing was happening. I would be on the phone with her for hours, saying turn left, blah blah, finally she would say she is going to the Stratosphere and would be home then.

Even now, we have lived within the same two exits of the interstate for a year. The apartment before the house, the house, and her new apartment. If she gets off the second one she can't get home, even with me in the car. She will get back on the highway and drive to the other one to find her way.

So it has always been, oh I forgot. In fact her mother constantly says to her "Focus" and W gets so pissed. She is just one of those amazing book smart people, but she can't figure out how to empty the vacuum and get it back together.

It is frustrating for sure, but not in a R or DB'ing way. So by me not actually mentioning it is a good validation thing. Since she has been staying at the house, I leave early for work, she sleeps in. I ask each time that she lock the house up. I come home and the back door is unlocked, the front as well, luckily the garage is down. I normally would call her and say WTF, but I haven't even brought it up. It's just how her mind works. She does it to friends, family as well. So it's not a burn me type thing.

W called me tonight minutes after she finished her last counseling session. Still had paper work to do. We were talking, good convo, nothing heavy, then I lost her. Tried to call back and nothing.

Well I worry, because it is at parole and probation, so I text her "Could you let me know your OK?" No response. Then hours later, I text "Could you please let me know your OK, I don't want you hurt." She phoned right back, I'm fine, sorry, I was in the car on the highway when you TM'ed me and I was going to get back to you when I got home but forgot (see above). Talked for like 30 minutes, I did a lot of validating. I'm reading the Men are from Mars...and she complained about it all and I just listened. Got a huge thank you for that, said she wished she came over tonight after that.

So I think I'm seeing good steps. Also, she now feels she is bi-polar, says she can recognize the swings. From sleeping on my floor, to being super happy amazing worker today. She kept saying how it wasn't normal and wants to get checked. Hmmm?

[Atlas]

W showed to pick up S tonight. Used some of my new listening skills and got a 30 minute diatribe from W. Just validated it all and she opened up like a book, I could tell she really felt supported.

Had a good night playing with S and being with W. She is on the couch right now, but I can't get the gas fireplace lite, so the house is cold and there is a huge storm outside. I told her about the bed again, said S would be inbetween us, but she declined. Well see it is going to get cold tonight, and my house a heat seive.

She is considering going with me snowshoeing Sunday. We will see.

I'm also going to tell her tomorrow before I go to work to let me know how one of her work issues goes today. She was really upset about a problem, and I got the whole story. So that should show I'm listening and paying attention.

[Atlas]

I just wrote a huge vent and erased it. Trying to just get that PMA going, she is showing baby steps, but if something doesn't change sooner I'm going to blow. I'm doing all I can from keeping the anger welling up inside me.

She is testing the waters and I get that, so I have to be patient, but it has been a full month of her "chasing" me, and yet she still is hesitant as all get out.

I probably sound a like a girl, but I want to be held, loved and appreciated. Nothing, nothing! All I do is support her and she just takes those heels and walks all over me.

Well I found out I can get W free therapy so long as she is my W, so now she is using that as an excuse to hold off on the D. However, while I'm fine with that, I think I'm going to start dating around, enough so that she sees it, shows and I have a women there. Maybe that will jump start her, let her know that she is losing me not winning me over.

I just don't know what to do anymore, what tactics to use. I know nothing is how I feel.

[bhopeful]

Umm... You've been at this a lot longer than I have and I haven't read through your entire story. That being said, it sounds from your last post that you are seeing some positives. I would be very cautious of dating and probably would stay away from it. Especially if you are going to be dating with the purpose of shaking up your wife...

You don't sound like a girl. At least not to me since I want those same things.

When you see the baby steps, are you doing anything different at that time? If so, try repeating that and see if you get the same positive results.

Peace,
B