She also told me that she felt like I was snooping because i was asking about her online friends. I was not trying to snoop but this was my way of trying to understand the new herand relate to some of the stuff she is going through.
Um, you ASKED her if she felt like you were snooping. You need to stop apologizing, placating, supplicating, and overall asking her permission to be YOU and to feel what YOU are feeling. You are human, a man who loves his wife and his family. A flawed man, surely (we all are), but you are responding to your wife's decision to become at LEAST emotionally involved with another man (and I suspect that it's also physical). Frankly, she's lucky you're still talking to her at all.
mcol, you need to get to a place where you can pull off the following, and pretty much stick to it (yeah, you'll have good days and bad days, but you can't waver much at all):
"Yes, I love you, but I'm not going to apologize for my response to your affair. No matter what problems we may have had, you had no right to break our marriage vows, and it's unconscionable that you would not only do it while I'm off serving our country, but that you would use THAT as a weapon against me and then lie to me about the nature of your relationship with him. Despite all of this, I do not want a divorce, and I want to try to work on our marriage. I think we owe it to our kids, if nothing else, to do so, and I think we'll both regret it for the rest of our lives if we don't. But I absolutely WILL NOT do that while you are having an affair, and you need to end it -- now. You're being disrespectful to me, our marriage, and to our family."
I would recommend having some new, hard evidence in hand before you confront her with that.
