I am new to this site and am looking for some advice. I think I may purchase the book as well but I'm not sure it can help. Maybe it can...maybe you can. Please take the time to read my story and provide any experience or feedback you can.
I am 29 and so is my wife. We have been married 5 years with our 6 year anniversary in two weeks. We have been together for 11 years since out of high school where we were friends before. We have two boys, 18 months old and 4 years old.
About a month ago now, my wife asked to speak to me. She told me she no longer loves me and wants a separation. This came out of the clear blue to me. I believed the relationship was very strong, even if we occasionally had disagreements/arguments. Everybody who knows us would always tell us they hope their relationships would turn out as strong as ours. We were always touching each other and showing emotions...the kids picked up on this of course and we've all shared many group hugs and kisses over the years.
So to say I was shocked would be an understatement. The real problem is that she says she's been trying to "fix" the problems and love me again on her own. However, she never sat down with me to tell me there were problems that she was working on. Unfortunately, she had the time to feel this way and I am now trying to deal with this....it's terrible. I lover her so deeply and am so lonely right now. She "tried", but I was never given the opportunity as she said she does not want to try...she doesn't want to be happy with me again.
Needless to say, she is refusing marriage counseling (although I'm going to counseling on my own now to deal with all these emotions) and it is killing me. The crux of the problem as far as I've been able to get out of her, is that she resents me for being the one who works in the family. Given the nature, when we had our first child and then our second, I was working through school and working full time. She had a job but was unhappy so she stayed home with the kids. Financially, it became a must to have her stay home. She became very unhappy doing this and now resents me for going on and being successful. I am able to make enough money now to support a family of 4 alone.
From my view, I worked very hard so we wouldn't wind up with nothing...I was terrified of having a family and not being able to provide many things I was never given the chance to have growing up.
But now, she's willing to go back to work on her own...settle for a low paying job and a 1 bedroom apartment...the kids will be with me of course because I can financially support them (well, daycare with my salary alone will be tough). It's so frustrating because if she had just sat down with me, she could have a job, be out of the house, and doing the things she wants. Instead she waited until her feelings are irrevocable, came to terms with ending the relationship, and then hit me with it out of the blue.
So, how (or can) can this be fixed? It seems her problems are so fixable, but her resentment towards me grows everyday she remains in the house because she can't get a job yet or get out. I have always been supportive, even to a fault, but this time I don't know how to fix this if she refuses counseling or any approach by me. Please HELP! I love my wife dearly and this situation is devastating every aspect of my life.
Damn...this is turning into an epidemic around here. I'm pretty new myself here and going thru a similar situation. To borrow another members response: Welcome to Hell. I have been asking for advice here too and won't pretend to be an expert, but I can offer this: DO NOT beg, plead, threaten, cry, etc. I've read enough of the material in the books and here on the board to know that those are some of the absolute worst things that you can do right now. Those will dig you into a deeper hole than you're already in. This has just begun for you and I'm sure some of the more informed and experienced people here will try to help. I have already met some great people. Stay under the radar for now until you can start reading the threads and have some of the others chime in with their opinions. There is a TON of material here to read and the books are pretty good too. IMHO, I would not tell your W right now that you are on this board. Hope this helps a little.
All hell another one. Yes welcome to hell for the Holidays! I agree with bearsfan, a pandemic seems to have erupted in the Northern Hemisphere.
Im sailing the same ship. I think the best thing right now is to keep going to counsoling, read books, and be the best father you can be. Work on your self and try not to worry about what your wife is doing. Give your wife lots of space to let her figure out herself. Trust me she'll figure it out.
Trust me the first weeks are pure hell but we all are going thru it or have been thru it. It will get better but you gotta concentrate on yourself and your children.
Good luck!
Married to wife 4.5yrs 1 step daughter - 7yrs old - Love her to death Seperated 10/28 - Present
During my brief yet very painful seperation I think I read that post everyday, several times a day. I can not say for sure that it has enabled me to come home and try to piece with W, but it was encouraging nonetheless.
On to your sitch.... the one thing that I know for certain is Michelle's suggestion to not believe what is said and limited belief in actions.
Here is the thing, she is confused, upset, in pain yada yada. Those are her feelings and you CAN NOT argue with them. Agree, validate and support her position.
Secondly, accept that D is a possible outcome of your sitch. Run to the hills and cry and let the pain come through and then get to a point of acceptance that D is possible!!!!! Once you have done that confirm to your W that you agree that D is a possible outcome. This will immediately disarm her. It is not to say that it will change her thoughts but at the very least it will be disarming to her.
I can not tell you how quickly things started to change for me when I did those two things. Yes, I am not physically seperated from my W and family. However, I think that there is still some degree of emotional seperation in my sitch so I also do not think that we are piecing yet. But, we are much closer to R now than 1 month ago! And it was due to the above.
STEP 1 - Accept that D is a possible outcome. STEP 2 - Confirm that with your spouse.
Don't push on anything else right now and do not dwell on either of the above. i.e. don't have a long drawn out conversation about it. Just say, "I'm understand that we MAY get a D, but I am not going to give up." that's it nothing else has to be said.
As far as counseling etc. I will again say that at the beginning my W said that there was no way she was doing anything for our M and that it was over. She did not want MC and was only willing to goto mediation. Well, she is still not saying that she is working on anything, but she goes to MC and holds me accountable to work on the exercises etc from our sessions.
Don't believe what they say and little of what they do. Work on yourself....
Me: 33 jacka** whom lied, stole, cheated, and basically treated DW like crap for years DW: 29 kind soul who gave too much to me over the relationship
S7 S4
M: 7yrs Bomb: 10/19 Seperated: 10/24
The worst reconciliation is better than the best divorce
Thank you all so much for the responses...they really do help. The one problem I'm having above all else is giving space when we are in the same household. I can usually escape for a night or two during the week...and I think (hope) this helps. It's strange during the days around the kids as we act normal (aside from any physical affection). We are very friendly and then at night, we don't talk too much but when we do it is also friendly. It's extremely frustrating. I have a week vacation coming up after Christmas...I am thinking of getting away for the week to really give some space. Is this a good idea?
Well, you have one thing on your side, and that's that right know your both under the same roof. This will give her the chance to see your 180's, and help with the kids.
I may be wrong, but if she's frustrated being home all day with the kids, I don't think leaving her for a week would be helpful, unless you take the kids with you to give her a break.
Like said above, you MUST validate her feelings, and AGREE with her. Do not beg! Do not cry!
Divorce Remedy is a great read, and Yes, I think it can help.
Our kids are the same age!
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
Well, you have one thing on your side, and that's that right know your both under the same roof. This will give her the chance to see your 180's, and help with the kids.
I may be wrong, but if she's frustrated being home all day with the kids, I don't think leaving her for a week would be helpful, unless you take the kids with you to give her a break.
Like said above, you MUST validate her feelings, and AGREE with her. Do not beg! Do not cry!
Divorce Remedy is a great read, and Yes, I think it can help.
Our kids are the same age!
You know...you are exactly right. I need to have the kids and take it off her for this week of vacation at least. The problem as I see it is that she does feel trapped, but she is finding it impossible to escape as the oldest is in part-time school in the afternoons so finding daycare has been next to impossible. I'm unsure how to resolve this problem but it will be a big first step. Unfortunately, she blames me for being trapped because I have the job and I don't know how that will resolve itself other then finding a way to get the kids to daycare and her to work. I'll do anything possible of course, but my work is very inflexible as we were bought out by a big stuffy company.
