NikB's latest update (#23)

[NikB]

Thanks all!

Dave - yeah, funny actually, I have pictures of me with this tree going back to when I was a very little kid. Looking at it "objectively" the thing's falling apart and not that pretty anymore - but to me, it's beautiful... it makes it feel like Christmas when I plug in that tree.

H - aww that is sweet!! My tree still has lights but no decorations.. oh well.. getting closer!

Trixi - yay!! My twin is back.

Funny enough.. I don't have to defend myself at all. I am sympathetic to H's "side" in all this and I DO understand where he's coming from - I'm empathetic to some degree - and she's not, at all. Yeah, she's my Mom, so it makes sense but I just keep thinking "Can't you even SORT OF see his side??" The convo ended last night when I said something that I thought H had 'rewritten' of our history and said "But of course there are two sides to every story.." she freaked out and said "What SIDE? You stayed and tried to work things out, he has no side." That's when I stopped it. She supports me all the way.. but my convos with her end up with me basically arguing WHY H should/would want to end our M. It's really odd.

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As usual lately I am swamped but wanted to at least post briefly while H is not home!

Some positives..

- I had lunch with a very sweet and inspiring fellow DB'er today! She's the first person I've run across in this area and we had a good time. An hour seemed way too short, so hope to get together again soon. (I'll leave it up to her if she wants her identity "known" or not).

- I am FINALLY catching up at work and had time to take a breath today, and even got out of work sort of on time.

- Shopping is almost done!!

In H related news... some positives there too.

- Last night he was all excited about a gift he got for me. Kept telling me I'd really like it and "I did good!" Then said "Even passed the Mom and sister test!" Apparently he ran it by them at dinner the other night (the one I wasn't invited to and "ass"umed his Mom hates me now or something). So that was nice in a lot of ways - MIL/SIL don't totally hate me, he's interested in Christmas, he's getting me a gift (and putting thought into it), he's talking about positive things w/his mom and sis. That all made me feel really good.

- I mentioned I got the DVD player for H... I think he'll like that. Today I also thought of something small but I think meaningful. Somehow he lost one of the letters off the "MUSTANG" on the back of his car (a classic that his dad bought new in '69 and he has fully restored.. this car is very important to him). I found the missing letter at a local Mustang specialty place. Not expensive at all - but I hope he likes that I noticed and that I got it for him. A month ago I'd have said probably not.. but now, I think he will. One of his complaints is that I was pretty self absorbed in the M (which I was, particularly after I broke my leg and all that entailed). So I think this is a small way to say "Hey I do notice things and am paying attention."

- H has been so much.. hmm.. "softer" towards me (and sometimes even warm) lately. I'm not sure if it's just holiday survival mode but it does feel like more than that. He's totally cut off the EAs and it's work contact only (he's made it clear in a roundabout way several times). With me, he seems to be trying to find a connection again.. feels like, anyway. He keeps commenting on things that I do/say that are "cute" or that he likes.. complimenting EVERYTHING, almost to the point of overkill. Doing a lot for me too. I have mentioned before I never understood the 5LL and now realize he "gives" in "acts of service" and I never saw it before. Just for example he installed that car part I mentioned... during which my battery went wacky... and he spent his entire Saturday practically working on that for me. It's adding up to a much more positive dynamic in general - I feel GOOD about interactions w/him sometimes, not just "ok enough to go along w/it." I'm trying to figure out if there's a way to help us both feel that connection more... but seeing enough positives, I'm going to just go with what seems to be working.

- On a similar note - part of why I can't post here much lately is he is VERY interested in what I'm doing! If he's out in the garage when I get home, he finishes up what he's doing and comes inside to "spend time with" me. (his words). Last night I was replying to some emails and H kept looking at my computer and saying "You're not working are you? You've been working too hard." When I replied "No this is personal stuff, not working" he got REALLY interested in what was on the screen. I lost half a post just because I shut down DB site quickly (don't really want him seeing what I post here).

Don't worry... not getting sucked in and expectations are still VERY low. Just sharing some positives.

Ok.. Grinch is on which means it's time to finish wrapping (I always wrap gifts while watching those cheesy kiddie shows). Hope everyone's doing well and I will check in more soon!!