there's a difference between "being needy", and "being open/friendly". pursuing is non-helpful, when it is seen as "being needy"
However... you dont have to sweat that stuff right now. He has already made the next move towards you in that area. He suggested that you talk on a weekend morning. "dinner" would seem to be off the table, since he specifically asked for "morning". So, go with that? Maybe suggest that you meet for breakfast or brunch somewhere to talk?
Last edited by Dom R; 12/18/0702:12 AM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Plus, he works nights and his days off are in the middle of the week. I don't know if he's saving those for time with his daughter, or if he has an OW yet, etc.
Make him feel good. Tell him that you love him and that you are sorry that you came between he and his daughter. Ask him how you can help him with Andrea.
Thank you, Fish. I would love to, but I don't think it would help if I asked how I could help with his daughter. That's how I got into this mess to begin with. I "helped" too much, did nice things for her, bought her nice things that weren't appreciated, and naturally, I would get mad when she would start acting like an ungrateful brat.
Plus, for some reason, her dad would encourage her to "stand up to me". H would tell me, "Nobody asked you to buy her this, or take her there.....". Yet, I'm sure that if I never did anything nice, I would be the bad guy anyway. It is a no-win to be a step-parent. It really, really sucks.
And to me, she really is the teen from hell. She ran away and accused her dad of being abusive to her and he is anything but. He is a good dad who always paid his child support when she lived out of state with her mom, took her on great vacations every summer, bought her whatever she or her mom asked for at Christmas and birthdays.
She would act out in ways that were really embarrassing too. For example, she would lie about me to her dad all the time, steal money from my purse, steal money from my family, steal money from her cousin, etc. It was really hard for me to like her at all.
I tried not to make too big a deal about it because she's ADD, possibly clinically depressed too, and every other excuse we've heard from C's.
Anyway, I am glad of one thing right now, and that is that she is his problem right now, not mine!
there's a difference between "being needy", and "being open/friendly". pursuing is non-helpful, when it is seen as "being needy"
However... you dont have to sweat that stuff right now. He has already made the next move towards you in that area. He suggested that you talk on a weekend morning. "dinner" would seem to be off the table, since he specifically asked for "morning". So, go with that? Maybe suggest that you meet for breakfast or brunch somewhere to talk?
And thank you too Dom, for pointing out that there is a difference between being needy and being friendly. Sometimes I get into an all or nothing mode.
Tread carefully I think. One of the prblems with my W is she is close to her sisters and at times I have felt bumped out by them. She also has a 24 yo daughter who has had some problems with drinking and being irresponsible. I would get the "my family comes first" line and be accused of being jealous. So this is a sticky situation. I guess I would have to say this: Police your words CAREFULLY for now until things simmer down a bit. I've read that the more that you try to prove them wrong, the MORE right they become in their mind. I read that in DB or Change your life and everyone in it which is an absolutely great read.
I know I have to be very careful and it's really hard because the little darling is the one getting the unconditional love, and I get kicked in the teeth.
I know I have to be very careful and it's really hard because the little darling is the one getting the unconditional love, and I get kicked in the teeth.
Kimmie..to what extent do you believe that your husband feels guilt over not being in his D life? This may be why his defenses are so high. Also, after 12 yrs of marriage there must have been other contributing factors in your R that produced his overnight deparature...can you give us more info?
Bears is right...especially if your H is feeling guilt about his D, he will naturally feel he has to chose and to preserve his relationship with his D when she may be experiencing symptoms comparable to his own (genetic guilt)?
mcol Me: 34 Deployed W:32 (EA started Oct 07) S:8 D:3 S:18 mos ILYBNILWY-12/14/07 Request for backdated separation 12/14/07 Top areas to work: 1) Communication 2) Repairing me, focusing on me
Well now you know what he's able/willing to give you. Weekend mornings. Take him up on it. Either breakfast or Starbucks or someplace that you can both be relaxed and talk. Make sure you know exactly what you want to talk about, so you don't sound like you just wanted to see him without talking about the issues. And, I don't know your temper, but I know that for myself I have to constantly remind myself to "put a sock in it". I respond rather quickly and cruelly to things I don't like to hear.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
The comedian Ron White said this about being arrested and I think it fits for many of us in this situation (including me). "I had the right to remain silent, unfortunately I did not have the ability..."
