Adventures of Supermom...JennyF's 2nd thread

[JennyF]

I'm up and down today. I'm doing some cycling of my own. I have these really quick but intense crying jags...just for a minute. Then...I get angry. Really angry. Then a couple hours later...sad again. It's sadness for the loss of the old H and anger for the acceptance of the new H.
It is hard to have H here and acting so normal. It is like we are married and it is so hard to think he is looking at me with those blank eyes. Thinking about her.

I wrote him a long letter basically responding to what happened on Saturday. DON'T WORRY...I won't send it. I do this often to feel I've gotten it off my chest.
I am feeling bad that I didn't validate him more on Sat. It's like I know what the right things are to say...but in the heat of it I can't think on my feet. My old defensive tendancies come flooding back. But according to him...it doesn't matter anyway because it is so over and he has moved on.
WHY can't I stop focusing on him? Why can't I stop wondering what stage he is at in this crisis and if and when is he going to come through it? I keep praying that he will not continue to go further down this path of self destruction...but it's happening.
Anyway...blah blah blah. It's just more of the crap over and over again.
J~