Time for honesty & truth for a new beginning pt 2

[sgctxok]

oops

[sgctxok]

As i was saying about talking to mil this am, she told me she could not tell me, i told her i understood, but i have known for a long time. I just asked her and i know everyone is going to flip on me for saying this, if he does talk to her about us, i just want her to say to him, give her a chance, she does truly love you and really wants to work this out.

These conversations with your MIL are not working for you and may be working against you. And if she says something to him, it may work against you by putting more pressure on him. You really don't want this. If you can keep your conversations with her off of the topic of him...you will be better off.

He needs to go and miss me, I know not to expect a miracle upon his return, but maybe we can start moving into the right direction like going to couples councling,

B e careful not to expect too much too soon. You may get so small of a baby step that you don't notice it. But you will get it. Couples counseling is not likely to help unless you have an SBT therapist...so don't push for this. The wrong counselor can push you in the wrong direction.


and more communication is a must.

Not more relationship communication. More fun. More doing stuff together. Not more 'talking'. And it is waaaaaay to soon. If you try to push for talking when he comes back it will most likely be a mistake.




[b] I'm being selfish i hope he does not miss her or contact her. But i know he will, like you say i'm sure he will miss both of us. But i want him to miss me more.

The truth is he is most likely to just feel relieved to be away from everything and from both of you. She probably puts some pressure on him, you both add guilt to him. If he is able to have fun without the folks down there grilling him...it will be the best thing for him, even if that isn't what you want for him.

As far a communications i am to do my best and not really contact him, i want him to contact me.

You can not contact him. And it's essential that you don't. It's called REAL GIVING. It is the best thing for him and you. And it's a good idea if you don't answer each time he calls you. Without explanation. Be vague and be UPBEAT.

I want to read the divorce busting book again, i started it a few wks ago for a second read thru, but did not finish. This is what i want to do this week. I also bought the new joel osteen book at costco, and i want to start reading that.

These are great ideas. You need this break too. In fact...this is your chance to get a SECOND FIRST IMPRESSION. WORK IT.






If i don't hear from him by the end of the day, i will contact him via text.

Don't do it.

I don't know if he is willing to work on us when he returns.

He may not. Don't ask him. It doesn't matter. Just DB.

[sgctxok]

While he's gone it's REFRESH THE BEAR time

Pamper yourself
Work out
MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY

SET 3 SMALL GOALS (not things you will do, but thing you want from him in your relationship) and keep them in front of you.


Small, not lofty.
Action-oriented.
Positively stated.


For example.

1. He will call you.
2. He will ask you how your day is.


When you do these things and you can check them off...you will know the progress you are making. These small baby s teps bu ild .... and when you acknowledge them, you are able to set new ones and build further.

It is so easy to achieve these ba by steps that so many folks on this board will kill for....but then shoot them down/and backslide because you don't feel you received enough.

I can help you refine them and keep them in front of you.

[phbear316]

SG

I did speak to mil, i did say to her i need someone in my corner to fight for me. H needs to know that i am not giving up, because he does not hear it from me. MIL promised she was not going to initate any conversation with H about us. She will let him make the conversation if need be. I know she will do this she does stand by her word. I know she is going to call me tomorrow and she will agree with me that my h looks terrible, I noticed that last night, he looks exhausted.

I am not expecting one bread crumb from h upon his return, i just hope as the old saying goes separation makes the heart grow fonder.

I want to do more things with h like you say fun things, but he does not want to, so how do i approach this? without it being pressure like?

I know being down there is the best for him right now, i just spoke to him before he says he has to call work and help with something, then he found a fishing pole we had left down there during another trip. H says he is going to go by the lake by his moms and catch and release some fish. Good i said. that sounds great.

family has a dog so that will keep in busy while he is over there. This is not the best time for him to be gone, but when is the best time? I hope and pray this trip helps him, open his mind up. like i keep saying h needs to miss me.

I always try to be upbeat when i talk to h, something i am proud of in fact tonight when h called i was out doing some last minute xmas shopping, H said wow i'm surprised you are still out? i said yes, even though i am sick as a dog. H is like why? I said we had pizza at the mgt and it is so not sitting right with me, i am really sick to my stomach. H and i talked well i let him do most of the talking about the new dog bil and sil have. H and i were on the phone for a good 40 minutes, h did ask was my stomach ache because of last night i said not, the pizza. H and i said good night, i asked him if it was ok for me to say i love you, and miss you, and i want you to get some rest. H said yes and i love you to. we said good night and i slipped and said love you, again and did not get a reply. But its ok, i know i did wrong, won't say it again maybe until xmas day.

I will try my best not to answer every time he calls, i have been doing that lately. I want to give this real giving like you say it called, to him. I want to do what is right i don't want to make any mistakes, but right now i am so scared that i will make a wrong move or not make a move when i should, i am truly, truly scared out of my mind.

I need to now how to make the first second impression, i don't want to mess this up. I am so afraid i will,

Thank you sg, for you imput and help

[phbear316]

SG

Here is my plan for the week,
work, the week out
go to the gym wed and friday. Ugh though gym is closed on monday, tues and wed-grr
Since gym is closed i am going to take a walk around town. do some exercising at home.
I want to go and see the alvin and the chipmunks movie, maybe i will drag my mom.
Bake some cookies this weekend. get gifts wrapped for parents.
go to church

crochet, read,

i also want to put together h's xmas gift. I bought a shadow box at a great price at michaels to put his medal in from last years marathon. I never got to do it. And i wanted to get h something besides gift cards. So this is i feel the right thing to do. The medal has been hanging off the kitchen door since jan. needs to find a home. I feel this is a good gift for h. not mushy or over the top.

Goals
I like the one you listed
he will call me
he will ask me how my day was
he will look me in the eye when he talks to me
he will ask me to do something fun, like go to the movies?

Too much?

I don't take any of these for granted especially number one, i am grateful, truly grateful.


thanks for the help sg

[sgctxok]

like i keep saying h needs to miss me.


It usually takes a few weeks to miss a spouse. Don't worry about this. The best thing is just getting the freshness of being apart and getting ba ck.

I will try my best not to answer every time he calls, i have been doing that lately. I want to give this real giving like you say it called, to him. I want to do what is right i don't want to make any mistakes, but right now i am so scared that i will make a wrong move or not make a move when i should, i am truly, truly scared out of my mind.

I need to now how to make the first second impression, i don't want to mess this up. I am so afraid i will,




It is going to be important not to mess up. Now.

You are getting a fresh chance.

Do NOT get info from your MIL about this trip. If you two do bring him up, tell her you thought about it and you don't want her to talk to him about you.

DO NOT CALL HIM OR TEXT HIM. STOP YOURSELF. HE NEEDS THE BREAK.

Believe in your love and connection. Don't be afraid. Fear makes us reactive.



Joel Osteen is so upbeat and encouraging and this is a great way to keep fearless.



B ear...you can do this. Your relationship has so many positives.

[sgctxok]

Good goals.

And I loooooooooooooooooooooov e the present you're making him. Incredibly thoughtful.

Your goals are good. (You already get the first two, b utthat's ok).

Got a journal?


Let's keep an Solutions Journal for you.

[phbear316]

Oh SG

I hope i can do this, i really do, I feel right now i having my breakdown time, as i sit here and type, i can't stop crying, and shaking.

I know i have to pull myself together. I know I have to do this.

I can cap off mil very easily. I can tell he not to talk to him about us. Very easily. She did promise she would not instigate conversation, and i do believe her.

I will try my hardest not to call or text him. I will I get the feeling he wants to call me he has said numerous time he will call me and he has, H said last night he promised to call me and today lets see i spoke to him 4 times and for 40 minutes, the longest in a very, very long time. When i said to h what is planned for tomorrow h said he was going to call work and fish, and i said that sounds good some fishing h says don't worry i will call you, i said ok. I hope he will but trying so hard not to get my expectations up very high, trust me. for i know after he spoke to me i can guarantee he called her.

I am afraid and not ashamed to admit it. I am afraid i will make the mistakes to make him go away for ever.

I just love Joel Osteen's voice, find it so soothing. I have to upload some new podcasts and i have his book to read

I so want to do this, i truly do. I just hope i can

bear

[phbear316]

SG

no journal, i was journaling a little before finding this site. Is this like a personal journal or something different?

I am glad you like the present idea, was worried you would not like the idea, think is was to personal or pushy. I have wanted to do this for a while and just did not make it a priority. So i decided that now is as good a time as any. I don't even think i will wrap it, i will just put it on the entertainment center with the picture of him crossing the finish line at the marathon. not sure right now what do you think?

bear

bear

[phbear316]

Ok i need help with the next issue i have, I have to tell my parents, how do i tell my parents, just say oh yea, he told me less than 24 hrs before he was scheduled to leave and spend xmas with his family in fla. I don't know why this is getting to me so much. I know my mom is going to be angry and pissed off, my dad will say nothing. I guess in this situation i again have to be the hero, i have to say to them, I know you thing this so insensitive and disrespectful oh h's part to do this, but if it can bring him one step closer to working on us and coming back to work on us. I had to let him go. better if fla than with her. That's the truth.

my other issue is the vacation in jan. H did say that i if i felt i wanted to cancel and rebank the points we could reschedule the trip. ok i have many issues with this now that i have been thinking about it. need to make decision by thursday if i am going to cxl and save points

I asked h to come with me a month ago. got no answer. (knew i would not)
I said to h last night i was hoping you would maybe come down for few days maybe weekend since you are using your vacation time now.
H did say i need a vacation also. I told h i want to go but not alone.
Now, i am confused to say the least, i want to go but not alone. I would like maybe my mom or dad to come but not sure if they would, and don't want to spend 10 days with mom. Do want some time alone

H saying we could re schedule for another time, ok fist off who is he kidding, he won't, and second maybe we should go somewhere else. I don't know if he realized what he said. So i should cancel jan trip and hope beyond home he decides we can go another time. I don't think so

I would rather us work on us and if we get moving in the right direction i would rather go somewhere like mohegan sun casino for like a weekend. Not even thinking anything on the romantic side, i would get a room with two beds or maybe even two rooms. THat is where we need to maybe start

Or i would rather him come down to fla for a few days vs whole trip way too soon.

ugh what to do
bear