As you may know from my recent posts, things are going in a positive direction, but v-e-r-y slowly. We hadn't had a fight for a few weeks. But on Sunday, he was evidently in a bad mood, or mad at me, or something. In a very non-threatening way, I asked him what was wrong. "Nothing." Are you mad at me? "No." And then he snapped at me later that day when we were talking about something innocuous like baseball. I finally lost it a bit and told him to stop being such a grouch. After that, things were back to "normal"-- cordial, somewhat friendly. Last night at counseling, when I asked him if he could tell me why he was mad at me on Sunday, he got really angry and defensive. He finally listed a number of things about the day that p--d him off (it wasn't all about me). I reminded him that it's important for us to communicate outside of counseling sessions-- and one-word answers don't do it. He said that this whole Sunday thing reminded him that we had problems well before the affair, and we've been spending every session talking about the affair, etc. etc. I blew up (from Mother Theresa to Satan herself)--lit into him about how damaging the affair was, and of course I know we had problems before then--that's why I approached him many times over the years, when he brushed off my concerns and said nothing is wrong. It was a hundred episodes of what happened on Sunday that contributed to the current state of our marriage--me asking what's wrong, him denying anything's wrong with one-word answers. It was just a really ugly counseling session. I waited to go to bed till after he was asleep. He didn't kiss me goodbye this morning (but I went after him and kissed him). The one thing I asked last night is that we meet with the counselor twice next week because I need to vent, get all my stuff and questions out about the affair, and then move on. It's been dragging out for a month now, and it's driving me nuts. Anyway, I'd like to have a reasonably amiable weekend, but I'm tired of being the one to be forgiving, to be loving. He has yet to apologize to me for the affair. I'm so discouraged and angry. What a jumbled ranting mess this post is!
