Back to Manipulation or Motivation......

[job]

Mopsey,
No one knows where your h is in his crisis and that's why it's so very important to continue on w/your life and continue to keep the focus on you and your children. Your h has made a step in the right direction by seeking assistance. Yes, the meds are going to take some time for adjustment, but if he's mixing them w/alcohol, that's not good.

The therapist will listen and helpy your h explore the areas of his life and give him plenty to think about. The huge question will be--Will he continue or will he give up too early and use every excuse in the books not to go? It's too soon to tell what the outcome will be on his treatment, but I do hope and pray that he will continue. He needs to explore what's eating at him so that he can find a way to accept himself, his past life and move forward and be reunited w/his family.

As for you and the children, it sounds like you have Christmas ready to rock and roll. If you h doesn't mention his family's activities, pick up the phone and ask what they are planning and see if the door will open a bit for you to ask if the children can attend. Mopsey, there is one thing I learned a long time ago, don't assume that your man in crisis will do everything the way he use to. You can't rely on him, especially right now. You must rely on yourself at all times and that's why you may need to call your inlaws to see what's happening so that your children aren't left out.

Rest and enjoy the day, for tomorrow will bring another busy one for you w/the count down to Christmas.

[cagzmom]

MY H is back on meds after he got off after his suicde stint. Since getting back on Meds he quit going to counseling. INTERESTING isn't it.

MEDS is and can be good. BUT if they choose to never get to the root of their problems it doesn't change anything. Counseling is GOOD IF they stay in it.

I hope for your H that he does stay in counseling and that he finds a meds taht helps. AND FOR YOU I hope you keep working on YOU -so no matter where he ends up YOU aer ok.

[mopsey821]

Thanks Snodderly:

I hear what you are saying and I am keeping busy with my own life. It just is so hard and confusing right now.

Journaling:

The weekend came and went and we saw no sign of H due to the weather and he being under the weather (he thinks due to the meds). H was very apologetic about not being able to come up to the house but the roads were too slick.

On Monday I called him early to let him know that the kids were going to be off school for a snow day but I was headed to work. I thought he would jump at the chance to spend the day with d12 but he said he had shopping to do and would get up there at some point. He sounded tired.

In the back of my mind I wondered why he didn't suggest bringing d12 shopping with him (since I knew we had finished her and he wouldn't need to shop for her) but I bit my tongue. Whatever.
Bad DBer me felt he must be shopping for MOW....but who knows.

H said he was stressed when i talked to him and he had an appt. with his C and couldn't wait to see him. When I got home from work d12 said he was there for a bit and would be back soon.

H came back after his C appointment. I had made an easy taco pie for dinner which he ate and then said he was off to continue shopping. He didn'thave any luck earlier he said.

As he left I gave him a small bag that I asked him not to open until he got in the car. In it was a small stone that had "FAITH" inscribed on it. I bought it over the weekend for him.

I went about my business doing things around the house and missed a call from H. H left a vm for me thanking me for the stone. He said he appreciated the thought and wished he had a lot to have faith in. He then said he would be around later if I was bored and wanted to call.

As the night went on, H called again. Was still out shopping. We talked for a few minutes and then later on in the evening I sent him a tm just hoping he had a good night and that he got some shopping done. We TMed for a little bit and I dozed off.

Anyway, H called this morning. I asked him if he could fax a menu from the restaurant as we were ordering in today and i would try to get him the business. He delivered our lunch. He seemed to be ok.

As for Christmas:

SIL1 spoke called about Christmas eve. Said she told H that we were all welcome. She asked if I would come and I told her probably. H did ask me yesterday and I told him probably. He then said he wanted me to come and he had asked SIL if he could bring me.

I am such a skeptic that I feel like he wants me there for appearance or because of s15. At this point in his R with MOW shouldn't he be bringing her? This is a big open house party not like christmas day where it is a small gathering. He could easily bring her. Even for a little bit. I know Snodderly....too much time spent thinking about MOW...I need to put a rubber band on to snap every time i get these thoughts.

So SIL2's H (who i work with) came in to me yesterday and invited us for christmas day. I mentioned to H and he said he had not heard and will wait until he is called as well. If not he said we can just do Christmas ourselves (the 4 of us). He doesn't get along well with this sister ....I am sure she will call him. I need to step out of it.

So that's that. s15 has a swim meet today and I will update H on how he does. Then I will step back a little....I am not sure where H's head or heart is right now and I need to protect mine.

Christmas should be interesting. H is taking effexor (sp?) for his depression. He has been having a hard time with it. He said he will call dr. if it doesn't get better. I pray he continues with C and working through things. I don't know what that means for us but ....I will figure that out when God is ready for me too.

Thanks
Mopsey

[job]

Mopsey,
If you are invited to the inlaws go! You've got several places to go to be w/family this holiday season. As for your h wanting you there for appearances, nope, I don't buy that. Believe me, if he didn't want you there, you'd know it. Go and have a wonderful time w/family (even if they are inlaws).

As for your h, it sounds like he's have some difficulty shopping this holiday season. It may be that he's searching for just the right gifts for you and your children. Don't allow thoughts of the ow to enter into your thinking at this time. It's your time to enjoy the holidays w/family and friends. Leave the ow and the mlc bs outside in the snow!

Your h will look at the "Faith" stone all day long. He will use that as a flashlight to bring him home. Faith is something he will need to work on, but it will come in time.

The new year is around the corner and none of us knows what it will bring, but there is always a couple of things that help us deal w/life and the trials and tribulations that it tosses us. They are: faith, hope and love. Keep those three things in the back of your mind and pull them out each and every time you think that the ow is in the picture. I don't see her being his main focus at all. If anything, she's way down on the food chain and is there maybe for him to talk to, but I seriously doubt that as well.

Mopsey, enjoy the rest of the week. Christmas and the new year are around the corner!

[mopsey821]

Thanks Snodderly:

I am going to go to the in-laws for Christmas Eve and Day. H called the other day to ask if I had made up my mind and I said that I will probably go. He then said he hopes I will go and that he wants us all there together. Huh? Why did you leave if you want us there together (the little voice inside my head wondered)?

Anway, been busy this week with last minute Christmas things and the kids. The focus has definately been off of H as I try to finish up and prepare. He has called me several times while out shopping regarding things he was picking up for the kids.

I think he felt the focus shifting from him as I got a TM last night at 1:30 am ....just remarking that this is my last day of work until 1/2/8 and asking how it feels.

I didn't respond...so naturally he called. I answered as I didn't think. He sounded down. He kept talking about how lucky i was to have this time off and we made some small talk. He said he was sorry that he woke me and that I should go back to bed and I did. I am tired from a cold and need my rest.

I tm'ed him back before I fell asleep to have "sweet dreams" but didn't hear from him until first thing this morning. We are on 2 different cell carriers and he didn't get my tm until this morning. He called just for that.

So, who knows what the holiday will bring. I have zero expectations. I remember last year ( in the heat of his A with MOW) he slept in his car in the driveway until christmas morning when the kids woke up. Not sure what will be this year. Just leaving it to God to decide.

I am off soon to see my C. Haven't been there in a while and need to unload a bit. Am looking forward to no work for a bit and just getting things in order around the house.

Thanks for letting me journal.

Mopsey

[hopefloats7]

mopsey,

Your h is my h. Except yours has been far, far more consistent with this behavior. Mine would do all these things, then cycle back to ow for a few weeks, etc.
My opinion is that your h is scared to death you will move on. That is why all the texts & calls in the wee hours of the morning. He's not only thinking about you; he's checking to see if you are alone.
You're handling it like a pro. I am so glad he wants you all together for Christmas. think back to last year...isn't it amazing? Thank God you will be together as a family.
Can I ask you something? What does your H say about his situation? Does he tell you he wants to be back together, but not until he fixes himself? Is he saying things like this to you?

[mopsey821]

No Hope.

My H says nothing about the situation whatsoever. He doesn't say he wants to come home. He used to say he is never coming home (not sure if that still stands). Is very careful not to reveal anything about the MOW and their R and where it is at.

I know nothing. I am totally leaving him in God's hands.

As for Christmas, we were at his sister's last year as well altogether but it was extremely awkward. H cried in a room by himself. His mom was uncomfortable. And it was not good.

This year will be better. I am in a more confident place. I have nothing to lose. MIL flew the coop to FIL so it will just be siblings--spouses and cousins. My C told me tonight she thinks H will be stuck to me like glue there. Who knows.

I am very close to both sister's hosting this year's events and their spouses. I work with one BIL and he is an angel. So I think it should be ok but we never know with our MLCers.

I have told H before that I would not want him home until he gets help and fixes himself. Not sure why he all of a sudden is going to C and taking meds but my expectations are totally at zero.

Went to see my C tonight. Hadn't been in months. She was shocked that h was in counseling and taking meds. She thought he would be the last one to ever do it. Who knows if he will stick with it but I pray he will.

Anyway, off to pick up d12 from swimming. Then getting s15 from the movies. I am so tired.....and so tired of doing it alone.

Mopsey

[mopsey821]

Journaling:

Christmas Eve day and H calls a few times. He is incredibly emotional. The first time he called he was crying. I asked if I could do anything for him and he says he is going back to sleep. He called in the middle of the afternoon still sounding awful. We talked for a bit and he said he was going to lay down.

He called about an hour before we were all to go to his sister's house for Christmas eve. He said he was not going. It was too hard. He said that he would not be coming up in the morning to see the kids open their presents and would not be going to his sister's in the afternoon.

By then he was in hysterics. He kept crying about how he was dead to s15. How hard it was. How it was never going to get easy. He was a mess. I didn't know what to say. I just listened.

I ended up taking the kids to SIL's party as I didn't want to disappoint them. D12 had tm'd H that we were on our way and he told her he wasn't going to see her there or tomorrow. She was crushed.

H tm'ed me a few times while we were at his sister's. H went up to the house to put the kids presents he had on my bed and he had forgotten to leave one so he asked if he could just put it in my car. I told him I would meet him but he didn't want to see me.

So I sit here alone on Christmas eve. My daughter comforting me in front of the tree as I couldn't help but break down. I miss my H. I know he is hurting, but not to be here on christmas day is hurting us as well. S15 was fine with him being here. He didn't say a word when I told him H would be joining us.

So, H said he wanted to be left alone. I don't even know what to think. I am so scared and sad for him, but on the other hand angry that he is doing this. I just pray he changes his mind and comes up tomorrow morning. D12 will be so disappointed.

I don't know where this will all lead. I have to wonder if my h feels like the damage is too severe to be fixed.

Anyway, that's it. Didn't think I would be posting at all this time of year. Thought that we would all be together tonight and then in the morning. So different than last year when H insisted on sleeping in the driveway and getting up early to see the kids.

Thanks for letting me vent. Merry Christmas everyone.

Mopsey

[mopsey821]

Just journaling while I am waiting my turn in the shower:

Need to get it out here rather than at SIL's.

I got all of the gifts under the tree last night. It was so sad. I have never done this without H. It brought back memories of Christmas past and it was very emotional.

Around midnight I went in to wash my face and thought to myself that I would tm H at midnight wishing him a Merry Christmas. He beat me to it. We tm'ed back and forth for a while. He said it was too hard right now with s15. He didn't want to ruin s15's christmas,etc. I told him I wouldn't tell him what to do but he is more than welcome to be here if he changed his mind.

He didn't. Christmas morning came and no H. The kids enjoyed opening their gifts. I was trying to keep my emotions in check. It was hard. The kids enjoyed their gifts.

D12 called h. She said he was crying. They talked for a while. She is trying to keep her spirits up because I think she knows it is hard for me.

After they hung up H called me. He was very emotional. I asked if we could come by with his gifts and he said no. Take them back and keep the money. I said no. He said he was going to stay home or maybe go for a drive and get something to eat. He talked about s15 some more and I told him that s15 was expecting him to be around today and that he was fine with it. I also told him that there is love for H in S15's heart ....it is just needs to find its way back.

H got emotional and I started to cry. I couldn't help it. I finally told him goodbye because I just couldn't talk anymore. My phone is off and on the charger. Not sure if he tried to call again or tm. We'll see.

Headed to SIL's in a bit. The kids are excited and I am dreading it. His sister is so mad at him that I think she is glad he won't be there. We shall see how it goes.

Snodderly, is this H pulling away from me or is what do you think? He hasn't been around much other than a few minutes here and there. Is he trying to drop the rope and be rid of me?

Thanks for letting me vent....again.

Mopsey

[job]

Mopsey,
The holidays are extremely depressing and difficult for those who suffer from depression. If you have some time, read up on major depression and you will see that one of the symptoms is withdrawal from everything pleasureable and normal in their lives. Your h isn't trying to drop the rope with you at all. If anything, he's been holding on tightly for a very long time. Unfortunately, he's got a bad case of depression right now that's causing a lot of his problems.

I do hope that you and your family can have a good day, despite the phone call. Mopsey, there's nothing you can do for him, but pray for relief for him.