Starting to get it...

[bhopeful]

I can understand you're confusion about what happened. I don't blame you for the way you reacted. I could smack your H with a 2 x 4 for acting the way he did. It seems like he might have been testing you to see how far you would push it. If my W gave me an opportunity like that I would be all over it. That means that she would have to be talking to me though so I don't think it will happen anytime soon...

That's why i'm willing to put aside how i feel about it and do it because it will make him happy.

You are a great woman Ann.

Hang in there and it will get better.

Peace,
B

[Heimlich]

I've got next with that 2x4, bh.

[ann25]

you guys are great!

thanks. always nice to hear things like that...

ann

[Atlas]

Ann,

Am I gettin this right, sounds like your trying to have sex with H, and H wants sex with you, but we end up in these awckward conversations in the dark with "Uh, Um, but you first..." Is that what I'm reading?

If so, for me this is what I call the page issue. Your both in the same book, you just need to get on the same page. If you can handle the worst, him walking away when you try this. Why don't you tonight, say your going to bed, ask him to come in about 20 minutes, put on something nice. When he comes in no talking, just tackeling. What is the worst, he pushes you off and says he isn't in the mood.

Hope I'm not missing some part of the story here. This seems a little too obvious for me, so I probably am missing something.

[ann25]

You might be missing something, depends on how much you've read... Seems like you got the stupid conversations in the dark part down though.

I think for me the main concern is not whether or not he wants to be my tackling dummy. I'm pretty sure he does, and I can handle the rejection if not, i always have, but I kinda feel like he's playing games right now. Like when he wants it and pursues me, i better be ready to go, but if he doesn't really care he's going to 1)test me to see how i respond or 2) throw something in my face about how i used to be or how i used to feel. I know where those comversations go and I really don't want to go there in the middle of the night. I know how to make it happen if i want it. There have been plenty of times in the past that I could get him to change his mind about not wanting to, i just had to give it a little extra effort.

here's how i feel if i break it down a little... here i am, pushing what i feel comfortable with to try to give him what he needs and he's getting mad a me for the way I'm doing it. I don't know. I just don't get that. I would just as soon stop trying and let him do all the initiating, then just go along with him.

I could try that tonight. See how it goes. I just have a hard time trying to be agressive with him now because I'm really not into it and he seriously has an issue with the lights. not sure why, but he does. and I always wear something nice to bed, or nothing, so its not like i'm up to my neck in flannel... hehe

let me see... page issue... i feel like we are in different books right now and I keep trying to jump over to his when i see it open, but then he shuts the book and gets mad because I didn't jump fast enough....

[ann25]

Atlas.... thank you. I appreciate the advice... I didn't say that earlier, but i do. I'll give it my best shot and see how it goes.

[Heimlich]

Ann,
Is he willing to do any sort of MC or R-building exercises/programs with you? Just curious.

It seems like the too of you really love each other but are missing each other.

BD

[ann25]

We tried MC. He said it didn't do any good. I agree. It only helps if you are willing to talk during the session... i swear it was like pulling teeth to get him to say anything. and then it's I'm not mad at her. i understand the reasons she had the ea. it doesn't bother me and I rarely think about it... BS. I would try to call him out on it, but he'd only get defensive. I asked him a week or so about it again. Even finding a different one and starting over. he said that he's not wasting money on something that obviously doesn't help. MC helped me quite a bit w/ fogiving him for asking for D and the accuations and hurt from before, but she can't give you a plan to work on if you won't admit there is a problem.

He won't read books with me. I read alot (ALOT!) and occassionaly i can get him to sit with me for like 15 min and let me read it outloud to him, but he says it feels like homework and he hated school. I respond by saying that a M is a lot of work, but I'll help him (i used to do that in HS... hehe) He doesn't want to try anything.

I actually ordered a book ( i think you recommended it earlier) and it took forever to get here (probably cause of holiday shipping) but it came in the mail and he didn't tell me. Then when he did give it to me, he says "another one of those" i haven't had a chance to get into it yet, but I will this week.

I feel like he does love me. He tells me he does and I'm thinking that after the EA, if he didn't he'd have been completely gone. I love him, it's more like a I love my family than i love my H right now, but i love him. I just want things to be better. There have been a couple times when get down and doubt that it can work, but I know that as long as I'm trying, we have a good shot.

[Heimlich]

Ann, I really would like to hit him with a 2x4. Unless you're an absolute lunatic in real life, your H needs to make some changes. You're set on creating those changes in him, and that's admirable, but damn, I'd just like to punch him in the head.

I think the Fertel book can really help you. Give it a try.

What's up with the lights? Damn, that sucks. Looking at the other person is one of the best things about sex. Does he not like it in the morning because of the light?

Can't remember if anyone has asked you this, but could your lack of desire be linked to the pregnancy?

BD

[ann25]

I like to think that I'm not a lunatic in real life.... My mom tells me that I'm special though... hehe, j/k

I feel like i messed up big, really big. No doubt that he did to, but I can't do anything about that. I just have to try and help him work through what he's going through right now. Maybe later he'll see what's going on and help me out a little.

Not sure what's with the lights. I like the lights on. Once in a blue moon i can get him to leave them on, but that's rare. He wouldn't give me a reason, just prefers them off. I think that is his issue with the mornings. I put up blackout curtains though and that didn't help, so who knows??

I suppose it could be a little, but the month before i was pregnant I didn't want it either and my first 2 pregnancies actually made me slightly more HD than i normally am. I think that It's not as much a lack of desire in general as it is a lack of desire for him. Yes, i know how bad that sounds.
------------------------------------------

some thinking/journaling/possible TMI... hehe
I'm just not attracted to him, that doesn't mean if i see a good looking guy that I'm not "appreciating the view" as a friend of mine like to call it. I waited for sex until we were engaged (3years) cause I don't see having sex with someone you aren't in love with, but being attracted to someone and acting on it are 2 totally different things. It's like when he would go to a strip club. People asked me how i could be okay with it. He can't help his physical reaction to a beautiful woman any more than i can help how I react to certain men, but so long as he comes home to me and focuses that reaction on me, then who cares. People watch porn together. same difference.

I think that's a big part of my problem now. I don't feel "in love" so i don't have that desire for him. If there was a strong physical attraction that'd be different, but my attraction to him was pretty much based on my feelings towards him and came with time. It was based on love not lust.