What exactly is it you want me to do? I wasn't up front with you about the cancer...I didn't know how to break that to you. I f*cked up!!! I'm sorry...please let it go. Please believe me when I tell you....I AM DOING FINE!!!!! I WILL tell you if things change.
I remember not too long ago, you were going round & round with me about me giving up...remember that? I'm not a surgeon...I can't cut open my leg and remove this, I have to rely on others for that. I can't give myself chemo...I have to rely on others for that. The ONLY thing I can do myself for myself is to prepare my mind, body & spirit the best way I know how. I'm sticking to the guidelines they set for me for diet & excercise....am I pushing it to the extreme? Yes...Why? Because I CAN! I FEEL good! Might not be the case in reality, but right now...in my mind, I'm winning! Early on, the cancer controlled me. It controlled how I felt, it controlled what I did and how I did it....Well guess what....F*CK THAT!!!
Am I angry or upset? Not at all ! I'm excited, please be excited with me. In about a month or so, I'm going to have a plate in my leg from my knee to my nuts sooooo I'm probably not going to be so uppity up, and jumpin' for joy - so please let me ride this as far I can.
As far as I know, I've been up front with you about this since my f*ck-up. You've got my word in front of everyone on this board...I will let you know if things change with me...OK?
I'm not going to leave you in the snowbank....like you did me
IC, where was I on the whole hockey thing? ...in the snowbank!
Where was I when you pretty much told your family to f*ck off? ...in the snowbank!
You tell me one thing and then you turn around and do what you want. I want to believe you, I really do but how do you think these things make me feel? No you haven't lied to me, but you haven't given me any inclination on these past things as to what's going on...until they happen.
This is serious nitty-gritty stuff and my hat is off to both of you for not only getting down to these issues, but getting down to them in front of this small chunk of America and the rest of the world. Y'all have got guts!
These are legitimate questions, IC, so hold on to your cool and think about them, ok?
IC, where was I on the whole hockey thing? ...in the snowbank!
Where was I when you pretty much told your family to f*ck off? ...in the snowbank!
I don't know how IC feels about those issues but in case he feels similarly to me, I'm going to give him a little proactive backup.
To me, those are *his* issues. He shouldn't have to run his decision or his thinking on this kind of thing past his wife. He's an individual who gets to make some decisions, even some important decisions, all on his own. Even his wife doesn't get to be inside his head all the time.
Did either of those issues turn out badly for you, Miss IC? I don't know; I'm asking.
When it comes to serious health issues, there are going to be things a man just has to handle on his own, but it does seem like he owes it to his wife to keep her in the loop as much as possible since she's (one would hope!) very affected as well.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
IC, where was I on the whole hockey thing? ...in the snowbank!
Where was I when you pretty much told your family to f*ck off? ...in the snowbank!
What do you do when say ohhh...lets say something is biting you..a bug. Some kind of bug is biting you on the back, on the neck, the arms, the legs...and it hurts! You can't seem to get away from it...hell, you don't really know what it is {except I told you it was a bug} Finally, this elusive thing lands on your hand...right in full view. What do you do? Do you stand there and analyze the f*ck out of it...maybe it bites you again...maybe it flies off and comes back and bites you in the azz...what? I tend to react and squash the bug! Sorry, that's how I am.
I've been playing hockey for a long, long time...it's been emotionally painfull for me...somethings been biting at me for a long time. Didn't know what it was, but it hurt. This last time I was out there skating and went off the ice to change...as I'm sitting in there taking off all the sh!t, it all came into clear view. I reacted, I squashed the bug. You've wanted me to shake this ghost...I DID! Sorry I didn't stop, spend hours or days or whatever..analyzing this thing to death with you - sorry, wrong guy! Not my style.
Sorry about my family thing. It wasn't something I had planned out, it was a reaction. A reaction to something that was said and to things that haven't been said or done for 20 years.
Originally Posted By: Miss IC
You tell me one thing and then you turn around and do what you want. I want to believe you, I really do but how do you think these things make me feel? No you haven't lied to me, but you haven't given me any inclination on these past things as to what's going on...until they happen.
What can I do to make you believe in me again?
No, I'm sure I haven't given you any inclination on a lot of things. A lot of who I am is built on reaction to a given situation, so most of the time I don't give myself any inclination..I just do it. I get praised by you for being spontenaous when it' something fun, well & good, but when it's not...I get the third degree.
To me, those are *his* issues. He shouldn't have to run his decision or his thinking on this kind of thing past his wife. He's an individual who gets to make some decisions, even some important decisions, all on his own. Even his wife doesn't get to be inside his head all the time.
Burg, This is fine. I don't disagree with you at all. These were his decisions to make and he should have been the one to make them...no problem at all with that. It just seems that a lot of times IC pushes me to the outside. So when it comes to other stuff...now I'm just supposed to put all this behind me and whole heartidly feel close and believing?
Originally Posted By: Burgbud
Did either of those issues turn out badly for you, Miss IC? I don't know; I'm asking.
Not really an issue of how they turned out for ME. What they did accomplish is undermining my perception of other issues that DO pertain to the both of us. On a personal note...I miss the hockey. It's a big part of who IC is, whether it's him playing or in some other capacity...it's in him. I...I..I can't explain it, it just is.
IC,
I understand that those were reactions, I just want to feel like I'm a part of your life and not just some after thought. You want me to be by your side through things but yet you seem to only want to allow it when it's convenient for you. Well I'm sorry, that does not work for me.
I don't want to be sheltered. I want to be included and be a part of your life, not something you turn to when you want and only when you want. I don't want things sugar coated for my sake. I'm your wife, I'm not a child. You say that you are fine, feel good...OK, I believe you. I'm going to hold your azz to the fire on you telling me in the future if or when that changes. K?
These are legitimate questions, IC, so hold on to your cool and think about them, ok?
Lill,
FWIW...Just wanted you to know that even though it might have seemed that way through my posts...I was NEVER upset or angry
We had a good talk last night when she got home. I assured her that if and/or when things start going south for me, that I WILL let her know. Whether she believe that or not, I don't know. I'm doing what I can to right the wrongs that I created.
I also asked her if she would please take me off of the microscope and not react to every little ache and pain that I have. I'm 37 years old, I've played hell on my body through the years...I'M GOING TO HAVE ACHES AND PAINS! I know these aches and what is normal for me, please don't assume that they are because of what I'm doing or not doing now or that they are from the cancer/chemo.
I think we're ok Lill...cleared the air a little, thats all
Miss IC, some of your anxiety is YOURS to deal with... YOU'RE bringing it to the table on your own. You can cope, I know it.
Y'all are great!
Lilly,
We're closer but only time will tell if we're back on track. I agree that a lot of my anxiety is mine to deal with and I bring it upon myself. The part that IC does not seem to totally grasp is that his actions still play a huge part in creating even more anxiety for me. - I'm sorry to tell ya Corri, but IC still has those avoidance issues - Not only with the health issues but everything in general. The little red wagon analogy...sometimes his avoidance leads me feel like I'm alone sitting there waiting. This creates anxiety for me...I don't really know how to explain it and I've said it before...at times he makes me feel like an outsider to his life. I'm not looking to be apart of his every waking thought but I'm also not going to be an after thought either. kwim?
