OK...truce is the wrong word. I think what I was getting at was that I don't have anything more to say. Choc, IMconfused, you're right on this: she needs to sit and stew. She doesn't like to stew. That's why she went out to dinner and that's why she withheld what tiny bit of affection she still showed to me. Like Lillieperl says, it's time for me to drink a great cup of shut the f_ _k up.
Bomb,
The trick is, to lose the anger, but keep the righteous indignation. YOU want to come across as the strong, sensible one, and let HER appear angry by comparison. You need to love HER (it's apparent that you still do), but hate what she's DOING. If you're so inclined, "love the sinner, but hate the sin."
Quote:
So help me here. In her process of coming to grips with her behavior, she's looking to place the blame squarely on me.
Why of course she is! Get used to it, she's going to do it for quite awhile, too. Not only will everything you HAVE done be wrong, but she will even begin to blame you for things you HAVEN'T done. (This is called "re-writing of marital history," and many wayward spouses do it).
Quote:
1)"You have insecurities." Yeah, no sh!t. That's where I gave her that great line:"Fighting to save my marriage is not insecurity." She REAAAALLLLY hated it when I said that.
Good! That's how you know you're on the right track! Don't be a DICK (you're going for "loving, but firm"), but do stand your ground, and you'll know you've hit the mark when she can't stand the consistency. I had to be like a broken record with my wife, with things like "End the affair, and we'll talk." and "End the affair, and we'll work on ALL of our issues -- mine, too." and (when she would list a bunch of reasons/blame on me) "I understand. That still doesn't give you the right to have an affair." or "We can't possibly engage in meaningful counseling as long as you've invited a third party into our marriage."
She'll hate ALL of it, but it needs to be said.
Quote:
2)"You're acting like this because you're depressed. You need to get on meds." I should elaborate on this. Until I talked to my DB coach, I was sad a lot. Well, hell yeah. We weren't having any sex, no physical affection, and she was talking to the OM constantly and acting all lovey towards him. No sh!t I was depressed. Until my DB coach pointed out that I needed to stop because it was making things worse. So now, even though I am ALWAYS happy and upbeat (at least around her), all I hear is how I need to be on meds.
One day in the middle of all of our chit, when we were fighting (it's MUCH easier to preach the "keep your cool" thing than it is to practice it!!! I'd give myself a "B" grade in that, no more), and I said something like "You're acting crazy, Mrs. Choc. And I'm not the only one who feels that way." She screamed at me "AT LEAST I'M NOT THE ONE WHO'S HAVING TO TAKE MEDICATION!!!" Ouch. Later, I thought of what I SHOULD have said, and I got an opportunity to say it another day, when she brought up the anti-depressants my doctor had prescribed for me. "Honey, my personal medication history is really none of your business, but I'm not going to apologize for doing what's necessary to maintain my sanity around our kids, and carry out my responsibilities around here."
Quote:
So help me out here. How long does it take for the lightbulb to go on? What are the signs that she's starting to realize that SHE screwed up?
Great question. But the answer's not going to be what you want to hear. You may see NOTHING for weeks -- even months. As others have pointed out to you on this thread, only SHE can make the decision to recommit to working at her marriage with you. But even once she does, she may show very little remorse (some do, some don't), and even that will come and go. Even though I had been warned about this, by NOP and others, I was simply STUNNED that less than a day or two after my wife's tearful, gut-wrenching apology and begging me to take her back, she was GIVING ME SH!T about stuff again. She would later apologize, and then do it again a few days later. Lather, rinse, repeat. This is the brain chemicals working (just Google PEA "brain chemicals" and read up on it; it's phsysiological fact, and it even shows up on CAT scans!), and until she has ended ALL CONTACT with him, and maintained no-contact for several months, will it completely go away.
Quote:
NO...I DON'T want to go to counseling, because I know what her motivation is. She wants to cure ME of my "insecurities" and my "depression" so she can continue her little warped fantasy with the OM without me hassling her. Yet, if I refuse to go to counseling, then "I don't want to work on the marriage." I'm screwed either way.
It may seem that way, but you just need to maintain your stance of "I do NOT want a divorce. I am willing to work on our marriage, and that includes a good, pro-marriage counselor. But I won't waste my time, nor our family's finances on counseling so long as you're in an active affair. End it, and we'll go to counseling." If she says "I'm willing to work on this, but you won't go," then simply repeat "End the affair, and I'll make the appointment." If she tells others (and she WILL) "Bomb50 won't go to counseling with me," then tell those people that you are willing to put ALL of the marital issues on the table, and work with a MC, as soon as your wife ends her affair, and that she has refused to do so. Ask for their help in getting her to end it (close friends and family only; don't air your "dirty laundry" to acquaintances!)
Quote:
By the way, she hasn't cut off her communication with the OM, but he's really cut down on how often and how long he lets her talk to him. And he keeps the conversation really mundane. This is really pissing her off...I can tell. I'm really screwing with her world, and she can't wait to get me off her back. She made this snide little comment the other day: "I don't know why the MC hasn't called me back yet. I'm sure she could hear the desperation in my voice." Yeah, thanks.
I agree with Lillie's assessment. I think there is some new "trouble in paradise" since you confronted your wife and did some limited exposure, but you probably lost some ground when you capitulated. Your wife wants a safe place to land (most infidels do, and nearly all FEMALE ones do), and you've messed up their little world. This is why you want to stay the "look-good/smell-good" one, and be the steady, strong voice. I will warn you, tho, this (the "trouble in paradise") will probably come and go, and you'll be able to tell by your wife's moods. When she's happy, that's BAD. When she's depressed and withdrawn, that's GOOD. I know that sounds strange, but I was warned about this, and found it to be ENTIRELY true.
Quote:
So...there's how I feel right now. I think you can tell I'm going through the grieving process here. Right now I'm in the anger stage. In my earlier post, you heard a little bargaining. An hour from now I'll be telling myself I blew this completely out of proportion (denial). When I go to bed tonight I'll be crying in my pillow over what I've lost (depression).
Dude, this is ENTIRELY understandable! Give yourself a break; be kind to yourself. Cry all you want (I cried nearly every day); just don't do it in front of (or on the phone with) your wife! You need to find the middle ground -- what I called "the narrow path." Someone else above, I think it was Hairdog, recommended that you make a list of boundaries that are "dealbreakers" to you, and also to write down what you want. THIS needs to be your daily roadmap, NOT the moods you are feeling in your head and in your heart right now.
Sorry for the long post, and I know you must feel overwhelmed right now. But you need to listen to what we're saying here, call your wife on her behavior, and let HER stew in it awhile, and make her decision.
