Fifth month of WAW (Thread 4)

Probably. I'm sure OM isn't much into validating and listening.

I'm sure she doesn't talk about all of the 'deep' stuff with him like she does with me. The guy is really young and immature, so I doubt she gets much positive reenforcement from him. If she did, I suspect she wouldn't talk to me as much.

I struggle with your situation Brit. I'm pleased to see positives in your situation, but my own personal issues creep up when I read this stuff. I couldn't sit and listen to my wife talk about some OM. Does it piss you off at all? I don't think there is anything wrong with erecting some boundaries. If you don't want to hear it, or if it puts a downer on the evening, I don't think it's wrong to point that out. Keeping silent about resentments is part of the problem in marriage. If she was working through issues after the affair was over, that would be one thing, but as long as he's in the picture, it just seems like rubbing salt in your wounds. I'm sure it isn't intentional; you've become like one of her girlfriends, someone she can talk to. Couldn't you indicate that she could find another sounding board for talk about her R with OM?

From what I've been able to gather, there isn't actually much of a relationship beyond what W has in her head and the little time they spend together at work. Last time I talked to her about it, which was maybe two months ago, she admitted she had a crush and that she was over it at the time - She got mad because I was jealous and I set me back quite a ways with our R.

I get more frustrated after an instance where she will tell me she is not friends with him anymore - Usually for a real and legitimate reason. This last happened a couple of weeks ago. Then maybe a week later she will tell me that she was talking to him about something, or some crap like that. Last time I called her on it she wasn't very defensive, but sounded a little hesitant to try to justify why she had backed down.

The problem I see in creating a boundary is that she will be afraid I'm going to get mad at her or something if it comes up by accident. She seems particularly sensitive if I get frustrated or annoyed, almost to the point where she is withdrawing. We both usually get a lot out of the positive conversations we've been having recently - Like it or not, OM is part of the problem and has to be figured out one way or another.

Take this advice with a grain of salt and see what others think. I've been through this crazy rollercoaster and my perception of how I'd handle things has changed.

I'm mostly just keeping myself removed from the whole OM thing. I've challenged W about it, I've thrown information I've gathered at it, and I've put her on the spot to find out what is going on. All that did was cause more problems between myself and W that needed to be solved. Every time W has had a problem with OM, it has been after they've been out somewhere together, or something has happened - W has expectations of him that he probably has no intention of doing anything about. Hell, he has his own gf now that happened in he middle of the sitch, so I'm sure W is feeling pretty crappy that he picked up someone else when she was so focused on having an R with him.

W has talked to me pretty much all day - Doesn't look like she even left her desk for lunch. She has already asked me out for dinner tonight:

(2:43:16 PM) W: did you want to go to P's tonight or are you busy?

I've been getting all sorts of mixed signals from her today - She talks about how 'we need to live cheaply for a while'. What the hell does that mean? Am I reading too much into the 'we' portion of the sentence?