Mark, Those are really bad comments. You need to find a way to call a truce in the family. It's not war. You and she may no longer be lovers, but there is no reason you can't be friends. You need to find a way to be friends with her. Maybe not her best friend, as she won't allow that, but at least someone she does not fear. A person she feels safe with. That is a good thing to do at Christmastime.
Perhaps you misunderstood. She had these fears many months ago. I believe that these feelings of fear have passed, especially because she has broken up (as far as I can tell) with her boyfriend.
Life in our home is not hellish. There is little yelling, no throwing things, no name-calling... in fact, we argue less now than we did before she started cheating on me.
OK, good. Still, they say worse than hate is indifference. So you should not be satisfied with a state of indifference either. I know your wife says she is done and she is ending the marriage. But the truth is being a wife is what she does for a living. She needs the income you provide, and she is smart enough to know it. So she is not going anywhere fast, and in fact, may not ever go anywhere. I still think working on the dynamic between the two of you would be a good idea.
I'm not at all satisfied with things at home. But the next move is hers to make.
She works and makes a decent buck. She also knows that her standard of living will go down about 3 notches if we were to split.
She has said over and over, "it's not about money!!" But I know women better than that. One of their top priorities is financial security for themselves and their children. She will have it with me. Without me? Not so much. She will be OK, but not good.
If she really wanted to divorce me, it would have been done already.
A week or two ago you talked about what to give your wife for Christmas. Perfume was mentioned and you said you could give her "Escape".
I was looking through the paper last night and saw that there's a new one out. It's call Unforgiveable! Seriously, it's by Sean John or Puffy or P-Diddy or what ever the heck the guy is calling himself these days. They have it for men and women so it could be a suggestion for a lot of our S's.
Hope you're having a good day!
Sue
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
its not all about financial security, though. its also about feeling loved and loving the person you are with. don't underestimate that.
its funny, when I found out about the affair one of the first things h said to me was that the reason I was upset was because of the standard of living I would lose. I was floored...it wasn't even on my mind at all. don't get me wrong, now I would say, yes, it is, but even now its not the most important thing. the most important thing to me was the love...losing it, letting it go, all of it. yes, I have a pretty nice life. yes it weighs heavily on my mind how I will live after all this is over. but honestly, I would have lived in a hovel with him...I would have done a lot of things, given up a lot of things. it was about him, about losing him, for me.
I know your wife and I are in very different places. obviously we are. but at the same time, don't assume its going to end up being about the lifestyle. and really, who wants someone who is only with you because of it?
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
I think you could take a page from Husband's book. He has been the tortoise, moving so slowly toward his wife that she barely notices he's getting closer. But he has changed the tone of the house from one of hostility to a friendlier, happier place. I think you could do that too. You wife won't do it. You will have to be the magnanimous one at your house. But then, you have been for a long time.
But I know women better than that. One of their top priorities is financial security for themselves and their children.
I find that quite insulting Mark. Don't judge all women by what you believe your wife's values are and maybe you are off base there too. If I thought my H thought he could keep me on that basis I would be out the F'ing door even if I had to feed my kids off of my horses dead body.
I buried a good friend today who was only 43 yrs old. She couldn't afford to leave her husband so she got a second job. It killed her. She bled to death whilst working. Some women will give there lives to get away from a bad marriage - she did.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Saffie - I meant no offense by that comment. It is what I have been told by a number of different women. They told me (in so many words) that women tend to subconsciously gravitate toward a place of comfort and security for themselves and their children. It's not an intentional behavior; rather, something that they feel inside that pulls them to a safe, comfortable, and secure place.
