I hear what you are saying and I am keeping busy with my own life. It just is so hard and confusing right now.
Journaling:
The weekend came and went and we saw no sign of H due to the weather and he being under the weather (he thinks due to the meds). H was very apologetic about not being able to come up to the house but the roads were too slick.
On Monday I called him early to let him know that the kids were going to be off school for a snow day but I was headed to work. I thought he would jump at the chance to spend the day with d12 but he said he had shopping to do and would get up there at some point. He sounded tired.
In the back of my mind I wondered why he didn't suggest bringing d12 shopping with him (since I knew we had finished her and he wouldn't need to shop for her) but I bit my tongue. Whatever. Bad DBer me felt he must be shopping for MOW....but who knows.
H said he was stressed when i talked to him and he had an appt. with his C and couldn't wait to see him. When I got home from work d12 said he was there for a bit and would be back soon.
H came back after his C appointment. I had made an easy taco pie for dinner which he ate and then said he was off to continue shopping. He didn'thave any luck earlier he said.
As he left I gave him a small bag that I asked him not to open until he got in the car. In it was a small stone that had "FAITH" inscribed on it. I bought it over the weekend for him.
I went about my business doing things around the house and missed a call from H. H left a vm for me thanking me for the stone. He said he appreciated the thought and wished he had a lot to have faith in. He then said he would be around later if I was bored and wanted to call.
As the night went on, H called again. Was still out shopping. We talked for a few minutes and then later on in the evening I sent him a tm just hoping he had a good night and that he got some shopping done. We TMed for a little bit and I dozed off.
Anyway, H called this morning. I asked him if he could fax a menu from the restaurant as we were ordering in today and i would try to get him the business. He delivered our lunch. He seemed to be ok.
As for Christmas:
SIL1 spoke called about Christmas eve. Said she told H that we were all welcome. She asked if I would come and I told her probably. H did ask me yesterday and I told him probably. He then said he wanted me to come and he had asked SIL if he could bring me.
I am such a skeptic that I feel like he wants me there for appearance or because of s15. At this point in his R with MOW shouldn't he be bringing her? This is a big open house party not like christmas day where it is a small gathering. He could easily bring her. Even for a little bit. I know Snodderly....too much time spent thinking about MOW...I need to put a rubber band on to snap every time i get these thoughts.
So SIL2's H (who i work with) came in to me yesterday and invited us for christmas day. I mentioned to H and he said he had not heard and will wait until he is called as well. If not he said we can just do Christmas ourselves (the 4 of us). He doesn't get along well with this sister ....I am sure she will call him. I need to step out of it.
So that's that. s15 has a swim meet today and I will update H on how he does. Then I will step back a little....I am not sure where H's head or heart is right now and I need to protect mine.
Christmas should be interesting. H is taking effexor (sp?) for his depression. He has been having a hard time with it. He said he will call dr. if it doesn't get better. I pray he continues with C and working through things. I don't know what that means for us but ....I will figure that out when God is ready for me too.
