not a peep

[MaxP]

Trixi,

You should hopefully find that living somewhere else and having limited contact with your H will help remove some of the stress you have been under. It may not help with the emotional ups and downs in the short term, but they should improve - and there should be a few more ups too. It should also be helpful living somewhere new. Being away from the site of so much emotional history should be beneficial. That's something I haven't experienced myself.

I know what you mean about not being able to undersand how the WAS can discuss such emotional issues as separation as if they are perfectly natural events. I find it abnormal and slightly disturbing - they have either detached a long time ago or they must be emotionally dead inside. Surely? It's hard to understand how they can pull away so calmly and treat you like dirt having had such an emotional bond with you. You think, did you really know them? Was this side of them always there?

Personally, I would hold off on the change of job at the moment, at least until you feel settled in your new home. Once you are there you will be ready for the new challenge, rather than emotionally and physically drained. I was hit very hard when my new job started going badly wrong, the blow was almost as severe to my self esteem as the separation. Had this come at another time, things would be different. Still, a new job can be great in terms of boosting income, meeting new people, building self esteem and simply changing your environment.

From what you have said about yourself, you are an excellent catch and many people would be blessed to have you working for them. I am sure there will be loads of opportunities to really shine.

Get settled, feel good, enjoy yourself (there are some upsides to being on your own) and then go kick ass ...

[Trixi]

Updating/Journaling

Went and picked up *perfect* table, chairs and hutch for the new house last night. It was a craigslist find-originally cost $2500 and I got it for $800.

The landlord/seller was nice enough to let my friend and I drop it off in the garage of the house.

Afterwards, as my girlfriend and I were headed off to find some food, I said "Well, that's a big step towards my new life!" Initially, I had felt pretty good about it, but as soon as the words were uttered I felt an overwhelming sadness and started crying. (not bawling, just 'leaking')

I have started packing more. Cry on and off while doing it. I sure hope that I am getting most of the tears out of the way. I don't want to be crying for the next month straight. I am still in a little bit of shock that this is REALLY happening. My head "knows"; my heart is still feeling a bit dazed and confused.

The other day we talked about what "we" would be giving DD for Christmas. He told me some "wishes" he had and asked me what I wanted. I ended up telling him a couple of things for my new house. After we hung up, it hit me--I just asked my HUSBAND to get me gifts for my new house because WE'RE GETTING A DIVORCE! That is f'ed up.

Today my H is supposed to come over (before DD gets here and we "celebrate" Christmas) so that we can do some property division. If he wasn't leaving town and coming back after I plan to start moving into my house, I would not want to do Christmas the same day as we discuss who is getting what.

I am exhausted most days; but then wake up at night with my heart pounding out of my chest and fear gripping me and I have trouble going back to sleep.

Somewhere I have read that the WAS feels a lot of relief to be done with the LBS. They're glad to be done. It saddens me to think that *I* am someone that my H wants to be done with and that he'll get to feel relief when this is over. I'm a burden, a dead-weight, a cast off. I know I am projecting (somewhat) but surely if he is willing to force this process to move along, then he must be feeling some of that.

I don't know how to act today. I don't want the memory that he takes to New York be of me being a wreck/needy/upset. On the other hand, that's how I feel. I am NOT happy about this. I DON'T think this is a good decision.

I think I'm going to go and take a shower and see if I can cry SOO much that there are no more tears left for the rest of the day.

[MaxP]

Hey Trixi,

Sorry to hear you're going through such a rough patch leading up to the separation. I can completely understand that the whole situation feels utterly unreal and wrong. That's how I felt, lots of 'this is wrong, I don't want this, why is it happening?' thoughts. I guess all I can say is try to find small things to keep you busy and raise a smile, however small. Also use the time to concentrate on you.

I couldn't stand the thought of watching my W packing so I agreed to be away when she went. I rang round until I found someone who could take me in and keep me busy (a big thank you to my brother-in-law). I think doing it that way helped as did having a very short, relatively clean goodbye. Will you have some help while you pack, i.e. someone to support you? I presume he is going to keep living in the house?

There's not much I can say that will be of comfort, it's an awful thing to have to go through. I am sorry anyone has to go through it. I can't believe the WAS doesn't feel some negative emotions, but they are further down the track or living in their own version of reality by this stage. All I can say is there will be a lot of people thinking about you over the next few days.

Take care,

Max

[Trixi]

Thanks MaxP

Well, I am having portable onsite storage containers brought over on the 27th of Dec. I'll pack in all the boxes and small stuff. They are being picked up on Jan 2nd and delivered to my new house Jan 3rd. H is renting a truck Jan 5th, will have his stepdad help him move the big stuff out of the apartment, come here unload what H plans to have here and then pack in what I am taking to my house (stuff too big for me to move into container by myself) and then we'll go to my house to unload that stuff.

My parents have offered to be here that day to help me; I am a little hesitant because my parents and his stepdad had a strained relationship before; now that this has happened, I don't know if there might be some snide words exchanged.

H plans to move back here to the house and do some things like paint the garage, finish the landscaping, put a coating on the garage floor--basically stuff he wanted to do but hasn't gotten to yet. My guess is that he is prepping it to sell.

H will be here in about 45 minutes. The last time he was here, I saw him looking at the shelf where we have a wedding pic, pics of us together, etc. Ugh.

[Trixi]

Good Grief. I'll get the bad part over with first; H is upstairs sleeping. Worn out from a little "merry christmas" romp. *sigh*

How the flock of seagulls did THAT happen?!

H came over a little early. We talked some about Son and his shenanigans. He admired some of my latest glass creations. I could tell he was happy to see me.

I was doing pretty good; told him some stuff about the utilities, things I needed (mower, etc) and I was keeping it together really good. And then he asked if I was done packing (snort-yeah, right!) and for some reason that just got me. I started to cry. Said that I didn't want this to happen so I had been procrastinating. He started to tear up.(I think I've seen him that moved 2 other times). Invited me over for a hug. Said he hated seeing me hurt, but he just felt like we needed to do this. Kissed my tears.

We got composed, talked more business type stuff. Go to garage and I motion to overheard storage where I keep my real estate records-a real PITA to move and I say "Ugh. I do NOT want to get all THAT down." and he says "just leave them there. It's not like you really need them, right?"

Later: I get emotional again, he hugged me real tight again. Said "I keep telling you 'nothing is forever'. We just need to do this now."

Later: I ask why he keeps telling me that and he says "Because nothing IS forever. You know that."

Later: Dinner w/DD. We are having a good time. He goes to bathroom and I say to DD, "Do we LOOK like people getting a divorce?" and she says "No! I really don't get it.'

Later: 2 lemon drops and 1 white russian later back at home; little kissy face. He says "what am I going to do with you? You make me crazy!" He says that if we ML, it won't change where we are headed and he knows that I hope it means that it will change where we are headed. He tried to keep his distance (sorta) as do I (sorta).

Somewhere in the last paragraph, I asked about the wedding pictures (ie, what to do with them) and I said I had a box that had stuff like our wedding invitation, etc and he said that I could put the pics in there and then leave the box in the garage if I wanted. and we agreed that no one would be doing any ceremonial burning without giving the other the opportunity to have the pics.

People- if you could see him look at me- you would understand WHY I DON'T GET THIS! If you heard us talk..it makes no sense.

On that note, I hear movement upstairs - I am off.

[Trixi]

I am SOOOO mad at myself!
I am mad because I didn't keep my composure and act "as if"
I am mad because I didn't resist him.
I am mad because I feel embarassed/ashamed for being weak.
I am mad because I WANT to believe him when he talks like divorce is a temporary thing.

I am mad because now I am sitting here feeling mad and sad.

I just remembered more of last nights convo. I was in one of my sad moments and he said "This could be really good for us. It could be good for us to be apart and make changes. And if we end up back together, we'll be better than before." I told him that I agree, (I really do) because then the playing field could be leveled. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like he11.

The first time my facade started to crack he said "I thought you were okay with moving. In fact, I thought you wanted to move; you said you didn't like this house and you needed to be out so you could spread your wings." Me"within the context of our situation, I know it's the right thing. But, more globally, I don't like being in our situation. I didn't pick it, I don't want it." H makes a comment alluding to "nothing is forever".

I hope I have made it really clear that he ONLY says this when we are talking about NOT being together. I also want to make it clear that he isn't telling me to wait and has also said that we should move on. Oh! I just remembered that I said something like "You wouldn't let pride stop you, would you? That because you had made some big declaration that we were done, that you had to stick with it?" and he said that he hadn't really made any big declaration and no, pride wouldn't stop him and then he says that he has no idea what will happen.

Yes, I understand that it could be that he is just being "kind" and has none of these thoughts. It could be that he wants to keep his options open. It could be that he is truly confused but wants to see what it "feels" like to be divorced. It could be that he really believes that the only way to fix "us" is for us not to be an "us" for awhile. Who knows.

In the meantime, I will go thru this process as best I can. I will create a happy, fulfilling life and see what the Universe serves up.
...but I am still mad about it! So There!!

[MaxP]

Hi Trixi,

I can understand that at times it's easy to slip up - don't beat yourself up about it too much. I think one reason why moving out will be good for your sitch is that it will change the environment, at the moment you and your H seem to be orbiting around each other, repeating the same pattern. In the long run that is no good for either of you, particularly you.

Have you thought much about why the same pattern keeps appearing, why your resolve crumbles? Is it the comfort of intimacy that makes you hope that what is happening isn't really happening? What can you do to change things? A 180 like that may get through to your H.

Sorry, have to go and get some sleep, am really tired today. I hope you have a good Christmas and a smooth move. NB I'm really missing my W today - I guess that's no surprise. My fatal mistake is looking at photos of us, she's so lovely and she was happy. My internet access will be patchy over the next few days, so take care, I'll try to drop by when I can.

Happy Christmas all,

Max

[Trixi]

Have you thought much about why the same pattern keeps appearing, why your resolve crumbles? Is it the comfort of intimacy that makes you hope that what is happening isn't really happening? What can you do to change things? A 180 like that may get through to your H.

I bolded 'crumb' because that's all I am getting. I just thought it was funny that crumb was in the word you used.

Anyhoo-
my resolve vaporates because I do SO wish this situation wasn't what it is. I am VERY attracted to him and he can play me like a fiddle. We're good at flirting. I know he loves me (and I really do KNOW he loves me) and at the moment I give in, I just want to be close to him. I want to believe that "this time" isn't "last time" we're together, and if I start to turn him down, then maybe the last time we were together really WILL be the LAST time we were together. Ugh, I don't even know if that made any sense.

Apparently I haven't come to terms with the situation. I just can't fathom that he won't be in my life (romantically). I feel like I am losing my mind. I can be crying my eyes out one minute and the next minute be completely calm because I know he'll be back and this is my chance to focus on myself and really blossom.

[SirPrizeMe]

Oh, Trixi, Stop !

"I really do KNOW he loves me"?

Bullspit! Love is not, "I want to have sex with you". Love is not "I remember having sex with you and it was fun." Love is not "I am attracted to him" or "He enjoys having sex with me." These are all great things, but none of them are love.

He is leaving you, and that is not a loving act. Period. He may have loved you once, and he may love you again, but right now he is not loving you. He is tearing apart something you value and cherish, and that is no act of love.

This is not an indictment of him. Nor of you. Possibly, he cannot love you, at this time. But the fact remains that he is not acting in a loving way. I don't mean he is a worthless piece of dung. I mean he is not loving you. He isn't! This hurts, but ... face it!

Get a hold of yourself. Detach. Leave him alone. Stop pursuing him.

I do SO wish this situation wasn't what it is.

Of course you do. That's normal. BUT.... It IS WHAT IT IS. Stop wishing. Start dealing. I know it stinks. You don't deserve this. You deserve honesty, and straight talking, and commitment. But you're not getting it.

Do you want a guy who tears your heart out, teases you, spouts nonsense about "nothing is forever" while he is forcing the absolute disruption of your life? Are you ready to settle for that person, ready to be satisfied with what used to be, satisfied that he'll have sex with you once in a while? YOU DESERVE BETTER.

Stop settling.

Be strong. For yourself.

This does not mean "leave him now." or "Fast track the divorce." Or "be angry." It might not even mean "stop having sex with him." It means, instead, develop your strength, your composure and self respect. If you want to have sex with him, great. That might be really good for both of you. But don't go freaking out afterwards.

Go on with your life. Seek happiness with or without him, even if you would *prefer* to be with him, for now. if you want your own place, GET IT.

if I start to turn him down, then maybe the last time we were together really WILL be the LAST time we were together.

Is that what you want? you want a sex relationship? Those are EASY. You can get those anywhere! But that's not really what you want, is it?

If I read you right, you want intimacy, trust, commitment. You want someone to share life with, not someone who only wants to share a bed. You want a life partner, not a sex partner. It's hard because the sex is such a strong sign of intimacy. In your mind, maybe sex means you have that loving trusting relationship. But you don't. You have the (once-in-a-while) sex relationship, and you have an alien, selfish, jerk.


About the ups and downs. Crying one minute, and calm the next. It's normal. Be patient with yourself.

[Trixi]

Thanks SPM. Those were some pretty good 2x4s. (rubbing forehead)

You are right. He isn't acting loving. The part where I say I know he loves me, is that he loves me as a special person in his life. Not that he loves me like a husband should love a wife. But even so, I am letting way too little be 'enough'.

Do you want a guy who tears your heart out, teases you, spouts nonsense about "nothing is forever" while he is forcing the absolute disruption of your life?

Not really. My intellect recognizes that even if he had some ephiphany tonight and said that he wanted to work on the marriage, I would need to move out. I need time to regain my strength. This situation has been so wobbly and out of balance, there is no solution but to stop the spinning for awhile.

If I read you right, you want intimacy, trust, commitment. You want someone to share life with, not someone who only wants to share a bed. You want a life partner, not a sex partner.

Yup.

It's hard because the sex is such a strong sign of intimacy. In your mind, maybe sex means you have that loving trusting relationship. But you don't. You have the (once-in-a-while) sex relationship, and you have an alien, selfish, jerk.

*heavy sigh*
yeah.

EXPLETIVE!!!