Dating to make W jealous is respectful to the person you date how? You can make W be interested in your life, and want to know more without involving an innocent party in your game. GAL. If you have to give up, you have to give up. But you can't play both sides of the fence and maintain you real dignity and self respect.
Youa re as strong as you believe youself to be. If you live in a world with limits, you will never go beyond them.
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If my wife has sex with another man I don't know if I could forgive her.
That is not her fault. Your possible inability to Forgive is a choice you will make. Forgiveness is a choice and a process. No one is saying it is easy.
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understand MLC is a sickness but shouldn't they be partially responsible for causing the pain they do, to their spouses and children and everyone else...
No! If you feel pain, it is because you have chosen to do so. Your wife or any other person has no responsibility for your feelings or reactions. Will you feel pain? YES, it is normal, it shows you are human, it is part of growing through this journey.
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I guess in my mind I have to figure out a time when I will give in. Of course when that time comes I may change it. I guess I have to take it a day at a time...
You can do that. Or you can feel it out day by day. 5-6 years is a long time; I do not think most who return take that long--though maybe that is because those that would take that long take so long that their spouses will no longer take them back.
We rarely see MLCers start to return before 18 months. Some star to return much later...18 months is the early time. Given that, I personally think it is absurd to give yourself a waiting period less than 18-24 months. Why give 12 when almost NONE return that quickly? It doesn't make sense. So 24 months may seem like a long time to you. Compare that to the next 40 years of togetherness--it is small by comparison. But pleae understand, the START home isn;t easy, it doesn't mean things are resolved. It means the rebuilding work can begin.
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it's more than sex! It's having someone look at you with loving eyes. It's someone smiling at you when you do something silly. It's someone kissing you and saying I love you. Someone laying on the couch with you holding eachother.....Maybe some people can be satisfied with masturbation. Is it weak to need love, real love? I don't think so. Sometimes we need to have self respect too.
Yes, we know it is more than sex. We're in the choir--soemtimes we even get to write the lyrics.
But is it worth the wait? It had better be. You are certainly not ready for a relationship with someone else. You are vulnerable right now, and that opens you to a poor relationship based on desperate need.
It is not weak to want love or sex. Self-respect is something completely differnet. Do you really think you will have Self-respect by not forgiving your damaged wife, starting a new relationship on the rebound, missing your wife, your new woman will sense this, feel like you are her second choice...no life isn't fair. But do you have to consciously make it unfair?
Whether you deserve love is irrelevant. Everyone, regardless of sins, deserves love.
Your deseprate defense shows me that you are not not a complete person without your wife. Now is your opportunity. Now is her opportunity. Only two people who are complete in themselves can have a healthy relationship together. You have been too dependent on others to validate your worth. When do you plan to discover your self-worht for your Self?
How about now? We are not saying this will be easy. But if you let it, I promise it will be rewarding. embrace the journey to find yourself. Learn to Love yourself. Your wife can then choose to watch and accept the person you become, it is that person that will be the attractive force toward rebuilding.
But it cannot happen until you start creating that new person. And sorry, but that person is going to do without somethings for a time. I went for 18 months without sex...and in a two year period (part of the 18 months) Sweetheart and I only had sex three times.
I love sex! I'd like it several times a week. I love making love with Sweetheart, holding him, touching him, looking at him in all his glory. And though I am a great fan of sex, I only want it with Sweetheart. I was willing to let it go for awhile so we could have it better in our future.
Post MLC have potential for a greatness well beyond what was expereinced Pre-MLC. But to get there you've got to walk through the dark forest.
Now I have another problem. My wife is spending time with our kids with our single neighbor that I suspected of an EA. She denies the EA but most of our problems occurred after he moved in. She say's he is just a friend. Last week I made a big mistake and stopped over at her (our) house unannounced at about 11pm after calling her and not getting an answer. My kids were spending the night with freinds so I knew she was alone. I went in the lot behind his(the guy across the street) house to see if the two of them were together. He saw me and turned on a flood light. I went back to our house and rang the doorbell and she had just gotten out of the shower. I didn't tell her about spying but the neighbor told her the next day. She called me and confronted me about it expecting me to lie. I told her it was true and that I was sorry for doing it. I also told her I was concerned about her spending time with him and that it was not unusual for someone in my sitch to check up on their wife. But I promised it was the only time and that I would not do it again. She also did this to me once when i went to a friends about 2 months ago she drove by and called me to see why I wasn't there. So we had both gone there... Now she says she may consider going out with the neighbor because of what I've done. Then the next day she brought my kids over there to his house for dinner and hung out till 9pm at night. This guy is such and A hole!! I can't believe I used to be his friend at one time. Should I threaten him to stay away from my wife?? All this talk of dating and hanging out with other guys is stressing me out!! Part of me says to ignore it, the other part tells me to shut her out--don't talk to her anymore...I'm getting a headache just thinking about it.
H 42 W 37 M17 T20 years 3 daughters 11,11,14 seperated 11/26/07 EA neighbor/ moved in w/ him 2/8 Filed for D 01/08 finalized soon
I'm geting ready to leave for work, so I have little time...but had to scream at this:
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Should I threaten him to stay away from my wife??
Well that sounds Mature...NOT!
Are you kidding?
She may already be having an affair with him, she wants to leave you and when you snooped she used that as an excuse to justify going public with an affair. So let's see, you pressure, manipulate or try to control and she...gets mad (so would I) and has already shown she is immature enought to use her anger at your behaviour to have a realtionship...she runs further from you.
Ummm, do you want to have a Restraining Order issued against you.
Look, the OM or OW in almost every case knows what they are doing is wrong. In yours? If it goes physical? Deffinately. Do you think you are going to wise him up, wake up his morality?
He already has morals. He already knows right from wrong, lets hope he does right, but nothing you are going to say to him will help him choose, in fact...you could help him choose wrong.
Anytime you attack the OM, you make her defend the OM. Listen the voice of experience here. OR find out for yourself it is a painful lesson. Are you the type who needs to burn his hand on the stove to find out it is hot, or did you listen to your parents?
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But I promised it was the only time and that I would not do it again.
Well buddy now you have to live up to that or you are a liar, if she finds out you couldn't.
Do not make promises right now. At the worst, promise to do your best not to do something.
Be strong Patrick. This trip sucks.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I won't do it again. I resigned myself to feeling better not knowing, rather than finding out she is over there...Do you think I should give her the cold shoulder or ask her to forgive me??
H 42 W 37 M17 T20 years 3 daughters 11,11,14 seperated 11/26/07 EA neighbor/ moved in w/ him 2/8 Filed for D 01/08 finalized soon
Until someone can forgive themself, they cannot forgive others.
Asking her to forgive you right now is pointless.
The cold shoulder... Going dim or dark or No Contact is not the cold shoulder.
Check out the resources at the top of this board for MLC, read give yourself something to do. IGNORE the timeline and the Stages, as in do not try and figure out which stage she is in.
You only address part of the post. You aren't going to threaten him are you?
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
No, I won't threaten him. It seems pointless since she will side with him if he tells her I did. I hate having no control over what happens! I guess I can just sit back and wait either for D papers or a change in her attitude.
H 42 W 37 M17 T20 years 3 daughters 11,11,14 seperated 11/26/07 EA neighbor/ moved in w/ him 2/8 Filed for D 01/08 finalized soon
