WAW staying, I'm leaving to give her space..(2)

[COG]

Jab,

You can vent here. It's okay man, let it out. It suck's, you W is being a little sh?t. You don't deserve this. ARGH !

Okay, now back to business. You want to win the game, you gotta suck it up.

Keeping a list of the positive things is a VERY good idea. You also might think about setting some goals. Check out DR.

Regarding the annual trip. I had to deal with that one too. W used to take kids away for a couple of weeks in the summer with a girlfriend of hers. Myself and the other H would come up for a weekend. Well, it came out in a heated discussion that her real reason for going was to get away from ME. I'm sure that's only part of it, but even after we've reconciled she still goes, and sometimes I get invited up for a weekend. Whatever! I'm not going to waste one minute of my prescious life worrying about that. It's obviously something she enjoys, and needs in her life, so be it. I stay home, cook 2 inch thick New Yorks, play cards, and just do whatever I feel like doing. It's actually turned out to be a nice break for me too.

A little more advice: Be Honest. If she asks you if you care if she goes bar hopping, and you do, then I believe you should tell her so. But not as a wimpering wuss, but as the man that you are. "Wife, I'm uncomfortable with the idea of you going out bar hopping just as I wouldn't like my daughter or mother going out bar hopping. I'm just afraid of what might happen, don't like the idea of my best friend being drunk around a bunch of horny men. But I understand that you have the freedom to live your life as you choose, and I need to decide what I'm going to do with the rest of my life." Spoken casually as you would speak to a good buddy, or a close friend.

It's important to be honest in a way that is not controlling. Setting YOUR boundaries is a good thing. Just make sure you're not setting boundaries for the sake of controlling her.

Hang in there, the testing has just begun.

God Bless,

COG

[COG]

Okay here's a quick sidetrack, for all of us kids.


Cowboy Kid

COG

[jab]

GFI,

I'm not planning on telling my wife these thoughts, I had to vent somewhere so I vented on this forum. What you are suggesting is exactly what I hope to do on Thurs, complete trust.

AmyC,

2 months of sobriety is a hell of an accomplishment and I am proud of you but really, you're just a dry drunk at this point

I appreciate your help but I don't think this is accurate. I admit I drank too much at times (it wasn't always like that). I am not a dry drunk anymore, haven't been for quite a while. I don't even think about drinking that much. I haven't 'abused' alcohol since the DUI in April. I've drank a few times over the summer yes but always with W, not by myself and not overindulgence. I do see where the comment is coming from but you don't know my history, you don't know my wife's history. You only know what I posted on these forums. I'm not making excuses for my past mistakes, I just don't think what W has been doing is an acceptable way of acting. If it only started when she asked for D that's one thing, but I'm finding out that W has been acting like a 'single, horny schoolgirl' for quite some time behind my back. Not appropriate for someone who is married w/kids at her age. Two wrongs don't make a right. I've been apologizing for a long time now about my past mistakes, I have been doing what I need/should be doing for a better part of a year now. I've had issues with her going 'bar-hopping' in the past without me, this is not a new topic. There are alot of issues I've had with her in the past that I just 'let go' because I loved her & didn't want her to feel 'controlled'. I'm venting here so I can get it out. I'm just worried that I can only take so much of this and I won't want her back (I won't be able to 'suck it up' anymore).

COG,

"Wife, I'm uncomfortable with the idea of you going out bar hopping just as I wouldn't like my daughter or mother going out bar hopping. I'm just afraid of what might happen, don't like the idea of my best friend being drunk around a bunch of horny men. But I understand that you have the freedom to live your life as you choose, and I need to decide what I'm going to do with the rest of my life."

Maybe I'll say something like that to her. I'm honestly not trying to control her, I want her to have a good time. I even told her last night that I can't control what she does with her free time. Like I said, I've always had an issue with her going 'bar-hopping' without me because of 'a bunch of horny men' around my W being drunk. W knows how I feel about this, it's nothing new. And BTW, I never did that to her. When I went out alone it was almost always over at a friends house playing poker or something & I always invited W to go along if she liked. If I did end up going out to nightclubs or bars she would have the same issues that I am having with her going. That's all I'm saying. I don't understand why it's OK for her and never was OK for me.

[AmyC]

AmyC,

2 months of sobriety is a hell of an accomplishment and I am proud of you but really, you're just a dry drunk at this point

I appreciate your help but I don't think this is accurate. I admit I drank too much at times (it wasn't always like that). I am not a dry drunk anymore, haven't been for quite a while. I don't even think about drinking that much. I haven't 'abused' alcohol since the DUI in April. I've drank a few times over the summer yes but always with W, not by myself and not overindulgence. I do see where the comment is coming from but you don't know my history, you don't know my wife's history. You only know what I posted on these forums. I'm not making excuses for my past mistakes, I just don't think what W has been doing is an acceptable way of acting. If it only started when she asked for D that's one thing, but I'm finding out that W has been acting like a 'single, horny schoolgirl' for quite some time behind my back. Not appropriate for someone who is married w/kids at her age. Two wrongs don't make a right. I've been apologizing for a long time now about my past mistakes, I have been doing what I need/should be doing for a better part of a year now. I've had issues with her going 'bar-hopping' in the past without me, this is not a new topic. There are alot of issues I've had with her in the past that I just 'let go' because I loved her & didn't want her to feel 'controlled'. I'm venting here so I can get it out. I'm just worried that I can only take so much of this and I won't want her back (I won't be able to 'suck it up' anymore).

I see.

[AmyC]

All through this I was drinking to cope and was basically neglecting our relationship. Three weeks before her graduation, I got my second DUI! Totalled my car, lost my license, all that. She threatened divorce, I quit drinking reluctantly. I understood I had a problem.

Come again, jab.

Don't turn this around on her before you have stared long enough at your own reflection.

[COG]

Jab,

And BTW, I never did that to her. When I went out alone it was almost always over at a friends house playing poker or something & I always invited W to go along if she liked. If I did end up going out to nightclubs or bars she would have the same issues that I am having with her going. That's all I'm saying. I don't understand why it's OK for her and never was OK for me.

You are not the same people. She doesn't feel the same way about it as you do. It stinks, I agree but it's reality. Accept it, know it is what it is, and move on with YOUR life. Allow her the freedom to experience life. She may fail miserably, to the point of no return. But that will have been HER choice. The most important thing here is that YOU continue making the right choices.

It is far beyond my comprehension to understand why someone would rather go "barhopping" than be in a cozy home with family. I just don't get it. But I am called to love them anyway. Check out 1 Corinthians: 13 for the definition of Love.

So tell her what you need to tell her, but do it from a compassionate heart, from the heart of her maker, from a friendly source; not from the heart of the needy man that wants her back in his fold.

This sucks my friend. It's very very hard. I pray you be blessed with courage, strength, and the kind of faith that moves mountains.

Love,

COG

[jab]

Amy,

Point taken. I'm not making excuses or denying my past issues. I've been turning my life around for a better part of a year, i've been trying to reconcile just as long. I did those things at times but not constantly. Anyhow, I've already heard recently from W that the drinking wasn't the main issue with our M. It was a significant part of the problem and the timing of the DUI really sucked (not that there is a 'good' time for it). My 3 biggest mistakes were: 1) drinking & driving, 2) acting selfish, not making my W feel like she was #1, 3) not fulfilling my W's emotional needs.

All of that you quoted is accurate, I own it, I'm working on preventing it from happening again by educating myself and becoming a better person. Like I said, I wasn't always that dark, depressed person with a 'drinking problem'. Two wrongs don't make a right and I've had my fair share of issues with W's actions (she is not an angel). I never spoke or acted disrespectfully of her around my family, friends, or co-workers no matter how I felt about her. I never tried to have an A, I didn't go to nightclubs and 'bar-hopping' without her thinking it was ok. And like I said, it would be one thing if all this started in the past 2 or 3 months but it's been going on longer & W has been putting on 'two faces'. I never did that.

Hey, I know I have to get on with things and work on improving myself. That's what I'm trying to. I honestly do not think I will EVER be that horrible person again (with or without W). I've learned my lesson. I just don't think that it's ok for her to do all that she has done/doing. Can I forgive, sympathize, understand, still love her? Yes. Doesn't mean I can't get angry, doesn't mean that I think it's unjustified, doesn't mean that I need to think that it's OK. I'm done venting now.

[AmyC]

Fair enough, jab.

Hey, I know I have to get on with things and work on improving myself. That's what I'm trying to. I honestly do not think I will EVER be that horrible person again (with or without W). I've learned my lesson. I just don't think that it's ok for her to do all that she has done/doing.

Just remember you aren't the one that gets to judge her and you can't change her.
You can only change the way YOU react to her.

You're in a tricky spot now in that you're the one out, you're the one "paying" the price for your previous actions (no license, etc) and you are the one doing the reflecting. If you let yourself get mired in being angry because it appears you are carrying the heavier load, what was meant to be your proving ground will have just become your noose.

All I'm saying is be aware.

Nothing in this is as cut and dry as it seems.

Teach yourself to look deeper than what you feel.



Amy

[jab]

Thank you Amy,

I probably don't sound well today & honestly I'm not. I have to release this frustration somehow and keep it away from W, so I do it here. (I keep remembering a lyric from a song: "I'm alright, but not OK".)

On another note, W just called me (again). She said she was cancelling her trip with friends in Feb. I just said OK, whatever you want to do. Reason 4 call was something to do with not being able to get TV to work. Sometimes when I think about her competency with electronics compared to mine I LOL. We are so opposite in that respect.

IMO W is testing me left & right on a daily basis. W doesn't know where she stands & I honestly feel bad for her right now, not knowing what she wants (I know what I want in life). Obviously, she doesn't want to 'end' things just yet or she wouldn't be initating contact every day. I have only called her 1 time this week (since S), W has called me at least once a day & came over to my apt for dinner last night. She is really confused & probably starting to feel a little embarrasment/guilt considering I've been doing everything I need/should be doing.

This is a learning/growing experience for sure!

[COG]

AmyC,

If you let yourself get mired in being angry because it appears you are carrying the heavier load, what was meant to be your proving ground will have just become your noose.

Oh THAT is a good one! Print it out and paste it all over the house. That speaks volumes.

She is really confused & probably starting to feel a little embarrasment/guilt considering I've been doing everything I need/should be doing.

Well that's probably part of it. She's also seriously considering whether or not you'll pull it off, make REAL changes. She's also wanting to hang on to you, not let you go, just in case. She's got one foot in, one foot out. It's limbo. A tough spot that many of us have had to work through. Best thing YOU can do is pray for her, and just keep working on YOU!

You're doing fine so far, I'm really impressed with your attitude, and that should make you feel good because I'm hard to please.

You might want to check out http://www.retrouvaille.org It's an awesome program put on by the Catholic Church but open to anyone. There's no preaching or pressure to convert, just good stuff from people who have lived through the nightmare and reconciled. It helped ME alot.

God Bless,

COG