With all due respect, you are being incredibly naive. What you have done is listed all kinds of reasons and excuses why your wife might be DRAWN toward an affair, and/or away from her husband, but that still does not excuse her if she ACTED upon those reasons.
And I believe she has, and I believe so do you. You're just so wracked with some combination of guilt and also fear of losing her if you "spook" her, that you're willing to emasculate yourself and you're going all "needy/grabby" on her, which is NOT attractive to her, I can assure you (women, jump in here if I am wrong).
I am NOT trying to be a hard-ass here, but rather speak the truth in love. I do not know you, but I do know what I went thru, and what I've learned from it. My way may or may NOT work, there is no guarantee. But your way absolutely will not, and you'll be left with regrets for the rest of your life that you should have been more forceful.
I'll stop pestering you here; I have spoken my peace, which I felt led to say. Feel free to find me over on the SSM board if you ever feel a change of course is required, as I think I could probably help you.
I do wish you well, and PLEASE be careful over there and thanks for your service.
