As long as the hugs outweigh the negatives, then your kids will be fine. At least you are aware of your behaviour, so will work to change it, I am sure.
Take care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I often feel as if they are actively working against me
Gotta say, I feel this way sometimes too...and I know it's not truth, but it sure feels that way sometimes.
On that topic, why am I buying Christmas presents? My kids only play with couch cushions and pots and pans. Seriously. I have a hard time keeping up! This is bad, because it really bugs H to walk into a deconstructed house. So I try. Some days it's like swimming against the current.
Things still seem to be good between us. H and I are talking and laughing about lots of things. Nothing deep, but he's never been into discussing anything deep.
Sometimes I'm not sure if he's kidding or serious--he likes to say really outrageous things on occasion, so I generally assume he's joking. This is something about our R that has always bothered me a little, but I usually just let it roll off my shoulders...he's never been great about showing respect for me in front of the kids (or anyone else really), and I worry a little about our kids growing up and ending up in the same kinds of situations or worse. IMO, this habit of not taking anything seriously has definitely led to the sitch we're in. It's a lot easier to minimize really big stuff and blow it off if you never give the M or anything else of importance the respect it should have.
Reality is though, this is him. This is who he is and always has been, and though I can hope that someday some parts of him will mature, I need to find the positive things about him and love and encourage them.
He's working away from home in the evenings...mechanical projects...but is usually home in time to spend a few minutes with me before I go to sleep. So we're still heading forward together. I'm not feeling as bothered about the possibilities of what he could be doing behind my back, and I'm just being patient and having faith that the deep stuff will work itself out.
Aud, Are you and H in MC? Is H in C? Just wondering since you are talking about the not taking thigns seriously thing. My H tends to do the same thing. But I call him on it now. I am feeling moer comfortable calling my H out on the things that bother me.
You could think about telling him, gently, how the things he say sometimes bother you. He may not know how he makes you feel. If he is anythign like my H, he probably doesn't give any thought to the things he says or how it impacts others.
I think your attitude is great. You are showing a lot of patience. I hope you get to a point where you feel more comfortable telling your H how you are feeling.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
Thank you for your thoughtful comments. We are not in any kind of C at this time--H is not even remotely open to counseling with anyone. Doesn't believe it will help him, has an antagonistic attitude towards it, so I think it's up to him to come around and seek help. Realistically, that may never happen. But I can always hope that his heart will change. For me, I've spent plenty of time with C, and though I have things to work on, I feel like I do have a good grasp on what they are and I'm handling it on my own for now.
Quote:
he probably doesn't give any thought to the things he says or how it impacts others.
This is dead-on true of my H. Sometimes he's not funny though. I haven't decided if it's intentional or not. He usually laughs it off, so it gets swept under the rug. I have been doing better at standing up when I think something is absolutely unacceptable, but I do have to pick my battles. I have developed a much thicker skin over the years.
I hope I get to a point where I am more comfortable telling H how I am feeling too. I think that my hesitancy stems from not being absolutely sure of my own feelings...I don't want to fire off everything on the tip of my tongue and end up with a war zone, so I hold back to pick my battles. Things smooth over pretty quickly and often, before I've had time to decide if they're worth fighting over or not.
It's quite the dance, balancing the need for rebuilding and the need to make sure the new R construction is solid and safe. I admit to some hesitancy to rock the boat, so to speak. I think he is conscious of that and I worry sometimes that he's taking advantage of it. But I also think he's pretty clear that I am perfectly capable of handling life on my own, and it's his family to lose.
Aud, Just peeking in for a moment and good to see you are struttin' right along.
Quote:
I think that my hesitancy stems from not being absolutely sure of my own feelings...I don't want to fire off everything on the tip of my tongue and end up with a war zone, so I hold back to pick my battles. Things smooth over pretty quickly and often, before I've had time to decide if they're worth fighting over or not.
This in a nutshell is how I feel on a minute by minute basis and a HUGE hurdle for me to overcome. It hampers my life quite a bit. I feel like a general constantly strategizing manuevers before any war has begun. You have far more insight than I do and seem to be working through it far better. Kudos to you !
Quote:
But I also think he's pretty clear that I am perfectly capable of handling life on my own, and it's his family to lose.
Isn't this just the FOUNDATION of everything! Keep sight of this statement and all dust will be eliminated and I'm sure the battles will be less intense. It's good to know you are still moving steady.....if I don't happen to stumble into your thread before Christmas....MERRY CHRISTMAS! I think our christmas's will be a lot better than last years peace
peace