Here Again What To Do?

[LuvMyHusband]

sorry Racer, hope that didn't seem harsh. I have a question of you. You said that you are surprised that you could go from having such strong feelings for the OM to none a month later. My H seems to have done that too. Can you shed some light on this for me? It's been hard for me to believe.

[Racer Chick]

I understand where you are coming from, I was on that side of the fence once too. Don't feel like you have to appologize for anything that you say to me, I know what I got myself into and I know what I need to do to get out of it. I know now that there is no way I should have any contact with OM period. He is cut completly out of my life now, besides if I would want him back I don't think that he would take me back.

I really don't know what happened. I wish I could say that 'this' happened to make me change. There were times early on in the A that I was really struggleing with the morality of the sitch, honestly I was. I thought how can I be doing this I am married, did I have guilt after the first really intimate night, OH YES I DID and it was a while until we had another similar encounter. But then that guilt started to go away and I started feeling that giult when my H and I would, I know strange, that I was still having sex wiht my H and the OM, yes I was carful, before I get 'yelled' at for that. So at that point I realized that there was a problem, but that happened a couple of months ago. Funny thing was I was lying to OM about when H and I would go out or things that we were doing, so in a sense my H was starting to become the OM to the OM, hope I did not confuse any one. When that started to happen I knew I had to do something. I could not be making up reasons to go out with the OM and then make up reason to go out with my H. I was not beening far to either my H or the OM or heck even myself at the time. I hope that will give some insight on how the emotions can change.

As for being 'just friends' with the OM I know that it won't happen any time soon, like I am talking years from now. Yes he should have known what he was getting into when he started going out with a married woman. In fact several of his friends gave him the same warning, be carful what you do here. That is the one thing that I told H why was he so worried about the OW when he ended his A with her. But I am just concerned that he will just do something stupid. There are several things that he could go and do, which I honestly will not mention here but could be bad, and they have NOTHING to do about me.

You know what with what I just wrote I think I know when things started to change with me and the OM. He had a party a little bit before Halloween, and drinking was involved, obviously. the night before H and I had a fight and H got a bit ticked off at me because I was not in the mood, and slammed the bedroom door shut and broke part of the trim on the door frame. Well OM found out about it and went off the deep end and called the calvery in (won't elaborate further) but I was there until 4am trying to finally get him calmed down and to make sure that the calvery was called off. At that moment I thought there is no way in hell that I would be with a man that would do that, even for me. I flat out told him that if this would ever happen again that we would be done, no questions asked.

[mrarow]

I am so proud of you! Way to go! The OM does not deserve your sympathy as he should never have been with someone else's wife. I wish my wife would just wake up too! Baby steps here and I am working on me and my relationships with all around me, especially my 3 Girls! I think she might be starting to see the light but am tiring not to get my hopes up. Its so hard this time of year especially to feel unloved and alone. Feels very strange sleeping alone after 13 years too....

[Racer Chick]

Work has been just crazy so I have not been able to get on there or even at home, but I now have a few minutes.

Up date on the sitch. H and I have been working on our R slowly but surly. He finally called and left a message with the C that we are going to see, I left that up to him to set up. To see a couple of things, one if he would and two how long it would take him to. It only took him about a week and a half, so for him that is not that bad. We had a good weekend, finsihed up our shopping for our D and he and her went to a hockey game while I stayed home and wrapped the mountain of gifts. After we were done shopping, that was on Friday night, we actually made a night of it. Did dinner and then met up with some of the people that he works with at one of the local bars(there are so many to chose from here, LOL). So the week end was good.

BUT

On Thursday H lost it...he has been so controlled I knew that eventually he would blow. There was a hockey game that night, and D had confirmation class that got over just before the game started. That was when the conflict started... I got home from work at my normal time, and H was not home from running D to class. We ate and I got changed and ready to go once he got home. He was cleaning up the dishes from dinner, then he started going through all the bills that needed to be paid out of the checks this week, this was about 15 mins before we had to leave to pick up D. I asked him if he was ready to go and he told me to go and pick up D and swing back by to pick him up. I was like whatever and went to pick up D. She was running late getting out of class so then I was late getting back home. Well when we both walked in he just started to lay into D about the things that she had done and had not gotten done yet, and why we have to tell her over and over to do the same things... and all of that kind of stuff. That starts a fight between him and I, because he does not talk to her he talks at her, and we all know that is not the way to get your point across to anybody. Well the night before I guess he thought that I was laying into D a bit too, and he told me that I was there and supported you in the way that you were handeling the sitch. Which I did not think that I was yelling at her that much the night before. But it basically turned into to a ping pong match with each of us telling the other one something that they don't do right, and of course nothing was accomplished out of it.

Now the OM has had contact with me and YES I have been talking to him. We have not seen each other in almost a month. I really need to talk to my C about this sitch because my head is still spinning with what to do. A week before I started posting I was POSITIVE that I was going to go forward with the D and call it quits with H. I was tired of trying anymore, but now I am not sure. I know what I am going to be losing if I do stay with H, and its much more that any of you can ever understand. At times like these I wish I could just go back in time and change history. I really regret getting involved like this with a friend. But as of right now H does not know for sure about any involvement that I have with OM. That news will be dropped after the holidays are over with, I think. I am still very very confused as to what to do with the OM. I know it should be a no brainer but its not for me.

[Michael Mc C]

I know what I am going to be losing if I do stay with H, and its much more that any of you can ever understand.

Hey RC. What is it that you feel you would be missing or losing if you stay with your H? I'm curious because my W has given me the impression that she will be giving up much more by ending her involvement with OM than she would be if she stayed with him. From my perspective I cannot see how the benefits of a POSSIBLE life with OM could outweigh the importance of trying to make a marriage work, especially one involving 3 children. I admit, however, that I don't fully understand what has gotten us here but I have been able to piece some things together.

[Racer Chick]

Micheal, Thank you for the reply and question.
As for what I will be giving up. Let me give you a brief history about the person that I am involved with. We met back in High School, I was dating one of his best friends. We would hang out when ever my boyfriend and he would get together, we were just simply friends back then and were up until about a year ago and that changed. That is how I ended up where I am at today. Now the OM and I have ALOT of friends in common, in fact all of my friends are his too. They all are hoping something positive will happen between him and I just because of the 'chemistry' that we have when we are together, and it truly is chemistry. So when the brake up with the OM is final and I have made my desicion to stay with H, I will have a very lonly life outside of the things that I will do with H. I will have no body to call up and say 'hey do you want to hit the bar tonight for a couple of drinks' or even call to complain about the stuipd things that H just did. I know that if they are true friends they will be there to support what ever decision that I make and it should not matter, but I am not living in a perfect world and neither are any of you. I would honestly be losing yet another best friend at the cost of staying with H.

Now before you all get on your soap box and say why not do that with H, lets face reality here even though we all love our spouses to death, for the most part. How many of you can say that you would want to spend 24/7 with them with out any other interaction from outside people? Honestly my H would drive me nuts. But don't read a lot into that statment either, there are definatly things I do like to do with H, so we do have together time and its fun.

[Michael Mc C]

I understand what you're saying about losing the connection, not with just a best friend but also possibly losing that with all of the friends you share. I imagine it's a very daunting and even frightful thing to be contemplating.

Is this group the only circle of friends that you have? Can you make opportunities to meet with other people (co-workers, family and THEIR friends, etc.)? Are there any friends within your current circle that you have brought in?

If things fail with the OM, wouldn't you be faced with this very same issue?

I'm not trying to put anything you've said in a negative light. I am simply trying to understand where you are at in order to better understand where my W may be at. She has alienated most of her "real" friends for the friends she has made on-line (none of whom she has ever met). I imagine that if her relationship with OM ends, she would be concerned about 1) reconnecting with the real friends she has pushed aside and 2) remaining friends with her online community.

[Racer Chick]

Oh no I have not lost the connection with any of my 'real' friends they are all right there still. Maybe I did not make that very clear, but all of my friends are his too. I have only one real friend outside of the circle I have and have had with the OM. They are all friends that I have hung out with since high school, we were a tight group then and we still are today. Yes there have been new ones added and some have left, or we have forced them out for certain reasons. But for the most part It has been the same poeple for almost 20 years now. There are friends that I have met with H but I just don't have the same type of connection with them that I do with my other friends. I do try to go out and meet other people but it is so hard with work and famlity stuff going on all the time. I do bowl on a women league one night a week so I do have some girls there but they just don't seem like the type to call up and ask to hit the bar or even go out to eat with. I don't want to sound like I go to the bars all the time but like I said before there are soooo many to chose from where I am at, that is the most popluar place to go. As for people that I work with, its kind of like my relationship that I have with my friends...They have all been friends since high school and to break into that group is VERY hard, I have tried. The only way into it is to marry into it, and that is not happening any time soon.

I hope that this helps some.

Now on to bigger things...

Last night I seen the OM for a little while, and it was just odd. I could feel the tension between us, that could be a good thing or that could be a bad thing. I know that I am really leaning towards staying with H now, I am far more certain that is what I want. But I am still struggling with the fact why am I always going back an forth between the two of them. Yes I feel far more comfortable with the OM but I feel safe H... OH what to do??? I have seen some very postive changes in H over the last little while now but to I trust that they are going to stick this time or do I just play them off as he is doing this just to keep me and things will go back to the way that they were before once he knows that I am not going any where. That is the delema that I am facing right now. I have seen this behavior before its a cycle that we have been through before. This time its different because I have actually told H that I want to leave. All the other times I have just stuck it out. I guess that this possibly should be asked over on the WAS board but I will throw it out here and see what happens.