My W agreed to go to counseling early in the sitch - sounds like she was where your W is now. In these sessions, she was all about "The M is over - D is inevitable - and I want to use counseling to make this all as easy and painless as possible on all three of us (we have a teenage daughter)."
The MC (who was VERY pro-M - I agree, this is CRITICAL) did help us see some of the places where we had "gone off the tracks" and how our interactions were poor. However, W heard this from the MLCer point of view of "Great, now I know how to do things better in my next M." Any time I tried to get us moving towards saving the M in our sessions, W immediately got mad and put up her walls. It was another case of those "R talks" that she didn't want to hear and saw them as me once again pointlessly, frustratingly pursuing her.
After about three sessions, the MC suggested that we were not getting anywhere together, and that we should do individual counseling for the time being, with occasional sessions together to touch base on where everyone stood. I continued to see this C on an individual basis - she was great at helping me with DBing and GALing. W went and found another IC - so, at least going together got her over the "hump" of thinking she needed some help with her MLC issues.
Bottom line: No one - not you, not a C, not a friend - can talk your W out of what she is feeling right now. If you go into counseling with that as your goal, you will fail. If you go in with much less pressure on her - use it as a way to keep some lines of communication open, and to help W start down a road of self-examination and growth herself - then it can be helpful. In either case, remember that the solutions to your problems start with YOU, not with your W or your relationship with her.
Best of luck, Rob
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
