Advice regarding counseling

[MaxP]

I managed to convince my W to go to counseling. We only went to 3 sessions in the end, during which she became a WAW. We identified some interesting patterns of interaction*, but her view was always that she didn't necessarily want to save our R. She also really didn't like the fact that in her opinion I seemed to be looking for a fix. The counselor said that there was no point attending if there was no common goal so we stopped going.

It is likely my W agreed to go to demonstrate there was nothing to save from her point of view. Ever since the bomb her mind has been made up. I found the whole process thoroughly depressing. I wished the C had challenged my W more. She (my wife) was very disengaged during the whole process - it's not what I want, etc. She also didn't like talking about the R with someone else present, although talking to her friends about our R in far more detail than she ever spoke to me with was ok apparently.

If you do go, find a very good counselor who is pro marriage. Ours was a trainee and I regretted that. Also, my W and I were in individual counseling at the same time. I think what was going on in my W's sessions had far more impact on the fact that we split up than the joint sessions. In many respects I am still in the dark and have had to deduce everything myself.

Sorry I can't be more positive. I do think your W needs to be challenged and engaged if you do go. Especially as she sounds like she is seeking validation.

Max

* Having identified these patterns, my W decided that it was far easier to apply any knowledge to a future R, not ours. She basically ran away from her issues and is now in a new R. No doubt she's done nothing to sort herself out. My guess is that new R was already in play at the time she left.