Love, PAIN and the whole crazy thing!

[mcol]

Greetings friends. In the interest of bringing you into my sitch with the least amount of difficulty I am including the sitch I started with in the infidelity string and the sitch I ended with once I actually talked to my W (novel concept)about my concerns, oh by the way my SIL, MIL and BIL were all under the same understanding as I was...I believe we were the victims of our own perceptions...there are more issues with W and her family but here is the summation

ORIGINAL SITCH:

Good morning all...this is my first post. Those of you who are Keith Urban fans will recognize my title which pays some service to my current situation. Here is the my sich:
M:34
W:33
S:8
D:3
S:18mos

I am an Army officer currently serving in Afghanistan. Two months prior to deploying my wife lost her father in a tragic truck accident. If I have read Michelle's book right (I owe myself a second read), she meets the following criteria: Depressed, WAW, EA possible PA but unconfirmed.

Things had been going great up until about a month ago. I have submitted my resignation paperwork, after much pleading (problem #1)from W. I have enjoyed my time in the service but the Army I joined is not the Army of today and my family is seriously at risk. The Army used to make fun of families saying, "If the Army wanted you to have a family they would have issued you one", our leaders pay lip service to the family but mission comes first and our missions completely leave families in the cold because we have to leave. My wife sent me a letter of concern (not dear jon because she is still around) basically saying that I needed to make my decision taking into consideration that she may not be in my life. WTF?? No idea things had gotten this way. Turns out that she has been talking to many new friends she met online and they all encouraged her not to say how she was feeling. The only reason why she told me was that I submitted my paperwork partially for her, and she wanted me to be sure of my motives.

Needless to say I was severely irate, blindsided and all the other appropriate emotions you can imagine. I had come home for my midtour about 4 weeks prior to the letter and while I noticed a difference in her actions/attitude I attributed this to the grief over her loss.

Skip forward 4 weeks from the letter and I have returned to the US to attend some conferences. I did not know about the EA/possible PA until now. Ha ha...blindsided yet again. She has told everyone that she does not want us discussing her when she is not around. I tried to respect this until my SIL was able to tell me all about Divorce Remedy and what my W was doing.

My biggest problem is that this OM jackass has moved in to fill the emotional void I could not fill due to my deployment. Sadly, I will not return for good for another 3 months, I am scared that a PA will be solidified in my absence (projecting yes but how can't I) and things will be further toward D for her.

My S,D,S are also suffering immensely. My W anger over her losing her father and me has caused to not want to be "a wife, a mother". Thankfully my MIL, SIL and BIL are all scratching their heads like me.

My W is not out of reach. She and I have had time to be alone while I have been around, however, she has this dead look in her eyes as though she has given up.

I am against a wall due to this damn deployment and am trying not to grasp. I thank God for my SIL who succesfully employed the techniques after her H had a PA. They have come through their situation and I pray for the same resolution.

Reading online helps to know that I am not alone, however, I wake up in the middle of the night almost physically ill because of the sich. This sucks!! I want more than anything to hold her and be there for her because she needs me but I know that I cannot give her that right now. Kids are my #1 priority right now and I am getting lots of support from both families since I am gone. When I get out, I will move to where my kids and wife are to be close to them and be very much involved in my kids lives, just wish I did not have to rekindle my marriage while trying to make up for being gone.

Whew!!! That was the second time I typed this. The first time I felt too immature to post. Now having read Michelle's book I feel more able to express what is going on and able to interact with all advice...please help.



NEW SITCH:

Ok...once again get some snacks and have a seat. As Desi Arnes would say "Lucy, you got some splainin to do". I feel like I just had my own personal Cuban missile crisis.

Spoke to W for three hours last night...amazing what a little much needed communication can do to a relationship

Since receiving her letter with all of the things that most rational people would indicate an affair as per DR and seeing that my W wanted to backdate our separation to the day after I deployed, that she had seen an attorney and I suspected a PA with someone she met online about the same time I got her letter of concern I assumed the worst and took steps to protect my affairs and interests (moved $2500 out of our checking account and cancelled powers of attorney). Reaction was based on fear, anger, suspicion.

W was extremely hurt and angry over what she viewed as a knee jerk reaction to a simple meeting with an attorney and her family's interpretation to this relationship with her friend whom I thought was the OM. In the early part of our conversation she said that my actions had "put her on notice" and that she was likely more apt to pursue legal action faster because I took the money (my money) before talking to her and finding out if she had needs for the money or if my kids had needs.

She did not understand why everyone in her family was reacting to alleged OM. I told her that her meeting a new guy that no one knows in and around the same time she started telling me that she was not content in our R and that she wanted to separate sent red flags up all over the place.

The error I made in this whole situation was to not talk/confront W prior to making assumptions based on perceptions I had from over her in Afghanistan and hearing things from her family about what they were seeing daily.

My M has always been based on honesty and love and I feel sort of like an idiot but honestly feel and still feel that given the same information and timeline I likely would have taken the same course of action. Everyone I have talked to and explained the sitch to said they would have done the same thing that I did.

So the bottom line is that I confronted W about a possible affair and she explained the extent of her R with this OM which I believe.

That does not mean that my R is not in trouble. The last 6-10 months, W has been talking to everyone under the sun about her feelings in our R except for me. We could have avoided most of this situation if she would have not listened to everyone else and talked to me, her H and the one who swore to God to love her more than anyone else on the earth.

Although still very upset by the circumstances, not to mention the position she is in with her family I firmly believe we made a large step forward in our R. However, we are far from safe. I will endeavor not to smother her with my communication but knowing that she is hurting right now I know that this is a prime opportunity for me to be there for her and rekindle our R that was derailed by some really sh$tty communication and total misinterpretation to a series of indicators.

So friends, while I do not feel like I have wasted my time at all in this forum or reading all of your experiences and hearing what you have had to say, I have learned a great deal about what happens when two people who love each other don't talk or explain our feelings.

I told her that I was sorry for the perceptions and assumptions that I made and I will continue to attempt to help her understand how she could have influenced the course of events and insist she take responsibility for lack of communicating with me. She has to understand how her actions oriented around the associated timeline and correspondence affected me and my actions.

Please see my new string in piecing our marriage back together. Thank you, thank you, thank you for everything you have helped me to understand. The validating and assumption of responsibility with things in this relationship are things that I will take away into my new R with my W. With God's help my R will fulfill the lifelong goal I have had...growing old with my W and enjoying our time together as H and W.

[mcol]

Update:

Here are the issues that have presented themself since I have re-engaged my W.

Good morning all.

I have migrated my posts from infidelity/extra-marital affairs to this forum. Long story short, I perceived that my W was having an affair with some guy she met online. Her whole family was thinking the same thing and sadly we were all wrong. The sad thing is that I acted on a perception after she told me she wanted to separate and backdate the separation to the date of my deployment 22 Feb 07. I freaked out thinking that she was going to serve me with divorce papers the day I came back from Afghanistan.

In a knee jerk reaction, I took money out of our joint account (my money) and put it in a separate account that I had established. I cancelled power of attorney for her and extended a power of attorney for my kids to her mom. Needless to say she was infuriated by all...naturally. When I finally talked to her last night, I explained my position and the issues that led up to me doing what I did to give a comparison, I believe it took away some of the sting but it did not remove the stinger.

We also discussed many other issues in our relationship and I ask you with much more experience than me what I can do about the following things. Keep in mind that I am in Afghanistan and I am limited to online interactions (lately), phone calls and rarely written correspondence. So please fire away, because I desparately want to save my R.

1) Emotional tie-in and availability
2) Areas of common interest
3) Her desire to seek legal separation (may wane)
4) Her guilt about not being able to convince me to leave the military
5) Time missed with her dead father as a result of being my wife
6) Me not being there to hold her in her darkest hours
7) Communication issues-she did not tell me for 6 months that she was having doubts about our relationship. First sign I got was a letter from her saying I needed to consider life without her in the picture.
8) She thinks that I have only been focused on me the whole marriage
9) Her belief (some truth) that I did not put my family over the Army
10) MAJOR TRUST ISSUES...after I changed bank accounts and took money out of the joint account she says she does not know who that person was.

Clearly we have a lot to work through and I am ready to roll my sleeves up but I do not want to get rolled over trying to resolve these issues. Please help.

[mcol]

Ok...this should be the last post to update you on the sitch...

W and I had a very heartfelt conversation last night. She said that she does not feel like she can trust me after what I did. I have validated her feelings because...she is right. I feel like an idiot and should never have substituted my emotions for good ole fashion conversation. It is my prayer that with time she will understand that the letters she wrote and the corresponding activity with the OM hurt me so bad that I did not feel we had anything to talk about.

A new development is that I have started getting back on AOL and conducting IM sessions with my W. This morning I realized that these sessions was originally how my wife and I met. There were some very old feelings about how much I enjoyed talking to her online and I believe that this interaction will be one of the critical elements to getting her trust and her emotions back online with me.

Thanks ahead of time for helping me...I know I have flip flopped pretty quickly but it is because I have faith and trust in my wife's honesty which has been a bedrock foundation of our marriage.

[cat03]

Hi, welcome, I cant' imagen how hard it must be for you to be over there and deal with your M at the same time, it must be very stressful for you and I pray that you are able to find balance and peace throught this ordeal.
About trust, you had some reasons to protect yourself, she had let everyone but you know about how she felt, she also violated your trust. Anyways, it can be regained, it can be rebuilt, it is not all hopeless, it will just take time.
I hope that you are able to reconnect with her during IM chats, just remember that everyone has their own timeline, keep your expectations low, dont' loose hope, just dont' expect her to be at your same "level", we all hear differently, the fact that you feel ready to trust her doesnt' mean automatically that she is ready too.

[Burgbud]

mcol, now that the EA/PA has been disproved, will you describe the current relationship between your W and the guy previously suspected to be the OM?

[Aud31]

Hi mcol. I'm glad you're feeling hopeful about putting it all back together again. Welcome aboard.

I'll echo Cat's advice: be patient, keep expections low, take it slow, work on the things inside yourself that you know are problems in the R. When you find yourself jumping to conclusions, find ways to stop and calm yourself...and then work towards being able to share your feelings with her in positive ways (if/when she's ready).

We'll be happy to help.

And thank you for your sacrifice in service to our country. I'm so sorry you're in this sitch.

[chocolateeyes]

mcol,

I'm sorry, but I'm not buying. You strike me as a sharp, sensitive guy, and you suspected SO much that you made the drastic moves of separating your finances and seeking out legal counsel, as well as involving family members. Now, you've totally done a 180.

I asked you yesterday, "By what evidence have you come to the conclusion that your wife is not having at least an EA?", and you responded:

I completely understand what you are saying and you are not the only one who has mentioned this same concern. Quite frankly, I have my own concerns. One thing that W said yesterday that sticks in my mind is "If I wanted to have an affair no one would know about it". I believe this to be true. I do believe she has trusted in this guy for emotional support...to what level I would call that an emotional affair, not sure.

Trust me when I say the scenario is not lost on me but I have to be honest that at this moment I am more concerned for the other part of our R that were identified last night and not a possible EA.

I will have to wait and see because I am far from re-kindling anything. But my wife has a very hard time lying and her level of emotion she was dealing with last night makes it very difficult to think she was lying about her relationship with him.
Time will tell...even if it was an emotional affair, she has been called on it and I believe that she wants to save our marriage as well. Me not being there has had a significant impact on her...that and not having her dad right now is just very difficult.

(emphasis mine)

You do understand, don't you, that if she HAS been unfaithful, that all infidels lie? She would NOT tell you the truth about it. Unless I'm missing something, what I'm hearing you say is, "I believe her because I believe her."

You suspected it; even her own family suspected it. You are the people who know her, and the situation, the best.

You at least owe it to yourself to get some unbiased, 3rd-party proof, one way or another. It will either put your mind at ease, or it will give you the information you need to deal with the situation wisely and effectively.

Put a keylogger on her computer, and/or hire a private investigator, if you can afford one. I had to put a keylogger on our PC and eventually put a voice-activated recorder in my wife's car. I had a friend of a friend follow her. I INSISTED the entire time that everyone on the message boards was wrong, that my wife was asexual, if anything, and that it would turn up nothing.

Instead, it turned up that she was meeting her 29yo (my wife and I are 47) personal trainer in department store parking lots, meeting up at his friend's house for sex, and heavy petting in her car, that I was paying for!

"Trust, but verify." (Ronald Reagan)

- Choc.

[Burgbud]

From mcol's sig:

Top areas to work:
1) Communication
2) Making my wife first in everything


From my evening's reading:

As a therapist, I've worked with couples where the woman insisted that she should be her man's number one priority. This is a recipe for disaster. A man must make his passion his number one priority. By doing so, he gives his woman (or women) something to be attracted to. Once he makes something else his number one priority, he loses the masculine energy that naturally attracts feminine energy.

[mcol]

You do understand, don't you, that if she HAS been unfaithful, that all infidels lie? She would NOT tell you the truth about it. Unless I'm missing something, what I'm hearing you say is, "I believe her because I believe her."

You suspected it; even her own family suspected it. You are the people who know her, and the situation, the best.

Choc...I am with you however, I need to explain that the W I married changed drastically when her dad died and I deployed. I think the whole family does not understand the new person that they are trying to deal with and as such they do not understand her. To that end, I believe that we were applying our understanding of the old W as opposed to the new W (very difficult to type exactly what changed) which is why we thought the affair. Communication is the key man.

She was afraid that she was going to lose me over here so she blocked me out of her emotional response. As such, I believe she started to live life without me because something inside her told her that she needed to prepare for the worst. Unfortunately, that side took over which led to her change of heart and the subsequent letters. I think she determined after losing her father that it would too painful to lose me as well. As such, I think she decided to try to get me out of her life so she would not have to face that pain again. I am praying that once I get back she will do a 180 on me because I am out of danger. She has always said that due to my occupation she has never been able to seriously consider a future with me because I might get killed. I will delve into this with her tonight to see her response...depending on her mood of course and how she is feeling about all the crap that went down in the last several days.

Yesterday we had a little snag. We were IMing and in an attempt to try to connect I was asking her lots of questions about her friends. I felt like it was prying so I asked her if she felt like I was snooping to which she said "it is starting to feel like it". I immediately recoiled and stopped watching her chat room and apologized. I thought my response was appropriate in saying that in my attempt to get to know her again I wanted to get to know her friends. Clearly, she has found something in them which is comforting and provides haven. If I can tap into that then it may help build trust and start repairing our R.

I contemplated hiring a PI and almost went through with it but at the end of the day I realized what I need to do is listen to my wife and believe her when she tells me things. This side of our R needs the most work. We need to hear each other and empathize with what has happened to the R we held dear before her father died. Then maybe we can go forward.

now that the EA/PA has been disproved, will you describe the current relationship between your W and the guy previously suspected to be the OM?

Burg...the relationship is the same, they call each other to talk about the things going on in their lives. I am not crazy about it but I am in, as I see it, to make demands of W. If I feel like she is sidetracking me in favor of him then I will likely address it.

That quote was intense but I have to tell you that she said the part of her heart that felt anything for me hard and cold. I have to find a way to spark that flame again. I think the first major step forward is coming home. I believe that she will not be able to reconnect with me until she knows that i am generally out of harm's way. Although driving on the interstates in America is more dangerous than being here, statistically.

[chocolateeyes]

mcol,

With all due respect, you are being incredibly naive. What you have done is listed all kinds of reasons and excuses why your wife might be DRAWN toward an affair, and/or away from her husband, but that still does not excuse her if she ACTED upon those reasons.

And I believe she has, and I believe so do you. You're just so wracked with some combination of guilt and also fear of losing her if you "spook" her, that you're willing to emasculate yourself and you're going all "needy/grabby" on her, which is NOT attractive to her, I can assure you (women, jump in here if I am wrong).

I am NOT trying to be a hard-ass here, but rather speak the truth in love. I do not know you, but I do know what I went thru, and what I've learned from it. My way may or may NOT work, there is no guarantee. But your way absolutely will not, and you'll be left with regrets for the rest of your life that you should have been more forceful.

I'll stop pestering you here; I have spoken my peace, which I felt led to say. Feel free to find me over on the SSM board if you ever feel a change of course is required, as I think I could probably help you.

I do wish you well, and PLEASE be careful over there and thanks for your service.

Choc.