sit: since may 07 when he declared that he is separated, h is pursuing his relationship with ow (sex, thinking about marring her, etc.). he lives mostly out of the house (my request) or travels for business. altho most of his staff is in the house so when he is in town he comes in often. our finances has not been separated, it is the only thing that has not been change much - i have access to finances if i need smth for myself or for kids. he earns most of the money. he has not pursued legal separation due to kids request, immigration issues (we are applying for citizenship - "not to complicate the papers" as he said).
i've been db-ing (psychotherapy, meds, sports, lost weight, established new interests, friends, etc.) - but depression especially recently is taking the best of me. I am out of the deep of the last one now.
need help to decide: when in spring07 kids were told about separation they asked for holidays to be a family event - for us to be as before together. i managed to make a thanksgiving to be perfect - good time, smiles, good food. it helped that we had my stepson with us and kids brought their boyfriend/girlfriend. but for Christmas it would be only 4 of us - me, h, ds21, dd20 - and emotionally i am not strong. my fear is that i would be either hostile or depressed/crying all the time. well, if i gather all my strengths, i think i can fake being ok, but it would be very hard
i am planning to take kids to nyc for the weekend before and have fun with them there. btw - if you have any ideas about fun things in nyc please tell me - i want to make this trip very special.
however at this point i am entertaining the idea not to be at the house for Christmas. i am dreading to be for long with h especially at that time. actually i do not want even to decorate the house. i have some gifts for kids but may be i would give them during our trip to nyc? our relationship to this holiday is more like a celebration than religious.
i think my husband expects me to do everything as it usually was for holidays, but for me it is a lie. may be i also want for them to find out what they be missing if i am not there - but what if they would not miss me? i taught kids well how to decorate and cook and be kind - so they might just have good time with their father
what do i do as a parent - what lesson - behave as if everything is ok, not respect my feelings, but for kids to have their request for holidays together? or leave my home to spare myself from the pain
what are your thoughts, suggestions, musings, impression from what you read, your personal decisions - please share it is very important to me
