Because I don't know how. Because I'm too rational. Because I will feel guilt. Because I don't want life to be any more complex than it needs to be. Because I'm scared of the consequences of letting go. I don't know. I know I need to deal with this though. Why is sticking up for myself and what I feel so difficult? Too many years of not doing it.
Trixi, I know that none of these are reasons not to. They are my issues. I know that I would like to. Your point is valid and I can't argue with it because I agree.
Me 36 W 37 Bomb (Easter 07) Sep (WAW July 07) "It's over" (end Oct 07) T10.5 years, M2 (before bomb)
MaxP, have you said anything? What's going on in your sitch?
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
Wow sorry about the Christmas card. Have you talked to W about it yet? That's awful.
A comment about DB'ing during the worst time of our lives (post bomb). I think if anything, DB'ing gives us a goal, something we can focus on. Mainly, it gives us something we can control: us. We lose all control in our lives when our spouses choose to walk away. Slowly but surely DB'ing (I am talking about the GAL and PMA part, I lean more towards confronting/talking about A's than Michele does) helps us regain sanity.
MaxP, have you said anything? What's going on in your sitch?
Hiya Trixi,
How're things going with you? Started packing yet?
My sitch continues to amuse me. The latest involves doing some Christmas shopping, flying out of the changing rooms in a store to hear my W talking in my ear. There she is (facing away from me), talking to her new bloke about clothes - also not looking in my direction. I think eeek and fly out of there before I'm spotted, randomly distributing clothes back around the store like a spooked shoplifter. Very funny. I then fantasize about going back in there and spooking them but think that's enough excitement for one day.
So no, I haven't spoken to her yet. Tried to phone her knowing she might be home with him, just to have a little fun but she wasn't picking up, on landline or mobile. Still I'm sure my 3 back to back phone calls amused her endlessly.
Actually, being serious for a minute, I feel much better now than I have for a while. I finally feel at peace and a little bit free. The not knowing what the hell happened between us was doing my head in. Now I know more I feel I can understand at last. I don't like the fact she never once gave us a chance, at least one that I recognised for what it what. I also hate being alone sometimes and miss just simple physical contact (nothing full on here). However, I recognise I've come through a really tough year and I'm ok. I know what's good about me and there's a lot to like and a lot still to learn about and improve. I'll get there though and if none of this had happened I would still be the old me and he needed to be shaken up a little.
Hummm, bit of an aside there. I spoke to my Dad and one of my brothers about the card (a wedding invite is my best guess now). He made me laugh by talking about wanting to burn it - very tempting - but I stuck it in the post, so she'll know soon enough. As you might be able to tell, I'm full of mischief at the moment. Oh, also wrote a pleasant Christmas card to her, which is something she might not have got a few days ago - really nice card too.
Ah, more stuff. Spoke to her dad who's been really ill and is recovering from an operation (he's doing well, which is really great news). Talking to him was fine, but I got the feeling he wanted to end the conversation quite quickly. He's not the most talkative bloke, but I think he now feels slightly uncomfortable talking to me. Perhaps he feels that this is breaking some unwritten rule, which is a shame if that's the case, since I like him.
Well, that's the round up for now. I guess I may have an encounter of some form with my W next week. (Oh that reminds me, she dumped the Christmas decorations in the garage during the week and nicked the best ones. Didn't want to see me, although I wasn't in). You know, I actually feel like I'm having fun at the moment. Something about feeling like you're living in a farce is rubbing off.
Right, I really should stop now. The great music pumping out round the room is toooo good to tpye (type) to and this keyboard is awful. RSI here we come.
See ya,
Max
Last edited by MaxP; 12/16/0708:24 PM.
Me 36 W 37 Bomb (Easter 07) Sep (WAW July 07) "It's over" (end Oct 07) T10.5 years, M2 (before bomb)
Wow sorry about the Christmas card. Have you talked to W about it yet? That's awful.
A comment about DB'ing during the worst time of our lives (post bomb). I think if anything, DB'ing gives us a goal, something we can focus on. Mainly, it gives us something we can control: us. We lose all control in our lives when our spouses choose to walk away. Slowly but surely DB'ing (I am talking about the GAL and PMA part, I lean more towards confronting/talking about A's than Michele does) helps us regain sanity.
The Christmas card feels like a watershed moment. I was incredibly upset when I first saw it, but in reality it wasn't a complete surprise, just solid confirmation of the evidence that had been mounting. As I mentioned in my post to Trixi, it has helped in making me understand what happened and in some ways has deflected some of the blame, which has been therapeutic. So, today I feel more at peace and vaguely amused by it all. Not a bad place to be for once.
Since I've now forwarded the card, my W can't ignore it and am sure will feel guilty (not that she ever shows it, I'm sure she deflects that onto me internally). I'm also sure she will try to avoid discussing it, citing that it is not my right to know anything about her life anymore. I don't really care, I'm free. Although that feeling will probably change next week.
With regard to DBing, I have so many self help books at the moment that I'm not sure what's going in any more. All I know is that what has happened has been really horrible to go through, but there are many people out there who won't get a shock like this and a real chance to look at their lives, who they are, what they want and how to improve themselves and the lives of others. If nothing else, I'm grateful for this opportunity and intend to make the most of it. I still wish I didn't have to pay the price I'm paying though. Somewhere out there is a woman who will benefit, it's a shame it isn't my W, since she and I had something good.
C'est dommage mais c'est la vie,
Now I'm really tempting fate writing French. I bet that's all wrong.
Max (I think they must have put something in the Hagen Das I've just eaten).
Me 36 W 37 Bomb (Easter 07) Sep (WAW July 07) "It's over" (end Oct 07) T10.5 years, M2 (before bomb)
Who hoooow! (Is it bad form to enjoy yourself on your own thread?)
... perhaps it's a bit sad.
ROFL!
Gosh, sounds like you're doing really good.
I sooooo wish you would have gone up to them and said "Well, helloooooo W and Scum Of The Earth [here after known as sote]. W, the funniest thing happened- a card came to MY house addressed to you AND Sote!! Can you imagine?!?! Our friends the Smiths sure are dolts, right?" OMG, I bet the look on her face would have been priceless. But, I understand the fear of not being able to keep ones composure in such a situation. I probably wouldn't be able to pull it off unless I was REALLY pissed.
I really like that you are feeling free. In fact, I really like the cheerfulness of the last few posts! Keep it up!!
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
I have my good days and not so good days, and the best part of that is I now have days when I actually feel happy, which hasn't happened in a long time. Sunday was a good day, yesterday I felt a bit lower.
I certainly entertained the thought of going up to them in the shop and having some fun, but I thought emotions might get in the way and mess it up. I was in shock to see them so unexpectedly, having only learned of things a couple of days before. It's also easy to behave in a way you might regret later and I didn't want to feel like a fool.
Sent a fairly direct email to my W about sorting out financial affairs and said I didn't want to meet up before Christmas. This is a bit of a 180 in some respects. Got a business like reply back from her this morning. It's amazing how interaction with her can suddenly make me feel so upset and pissed (mainly of the how dare you variety) - even something so simple as a four line email.
It makes me wonder whether composing a letter of just how I'm feeling would be beneficial. I guess even if I don't send it it may be therapeutic. The thing I'd most like to communicate right now is a complete sense of betrayal and the message that I'm angry that she never hit me over the head and said to me "can't you see you are losing me". I'm so, so angry about that. I can now recognize the part my actions have played in the deterioration of our R and feel like an idiot for not realizing what was happening. Simple things but they stack up to break a pair bond.
Regrets, I've had a few ...
Max
Me 36 W 37 Bomb (Easter 07) Sep (WAW July 07) "It's over" (end Oct 07) T10.5 years, M2 (before bomb)
