State of Mind

[BeingMe]

Me: 50
H: 45
Married: 21 years Together: 22.5 years
4 children: D27 (married with 2 children), Twins 20 (B/G), and D15
Bomb: May 2004
Piecing since May 2005
Last Thread

I love the words to this song by Great Big Sea. The music by this band is generally uplifting, and just makes me smile.

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"Ordinary Day" ( Singing it on YouTube)

I've got a smile on my face, I've got four walls around me
The sun in the sky, the water surrounds me
I'll win now but sometimes I'll lose
I've been battered, but I'll never bruise, it's not so bad

[Chorus]
And I say way-hey-hey, it's just an ordinary day
and it's all your state of mind
At the end of the day, you've still got to say,
it's all right.

See that girl on the street, what keeps her from dying
Let them say what they want, she won't stop trying
She might stumble, if they push her 'round
She might fall, but she'll never lie down

[Chorus]

It's a beautiful day, but there's always some sorrow
It's a double edged knife, but there's always tomorrow
It's up to you now if you sink or swim,
Keep the faith and your ship will come in.
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We live our lives so often relying on others to validate us, define who we are, make us happy and whole. But, we have the tools to do all that for ourselves. Our attitude is all a state of mind, I believe. All we have to do, is find a way to practice our own authentic, positive attitude.

My goals:
Realise I don't have to always explain myself
Don't take life too seriously .... find something to laugh about everyday
Find my passion and joy in life

I will achieve this by:
Having an attitude of gratitude ... for all my blessings, and even life's challenges ... I do have so much for which to be thankful
Focusing on my talents, i.e. art, writing
Taking care of my health by exercising, eating healthily, lowering my stress
Spending time with loved ones, in person, on the phone or via email
Meeting new people
Studying - helps to keep my mind active
Reading
GAL activities

And so, the story continues!

[cat03]

thanks for the positive post , a positive state of mind is sooo important!

[BeingMe]

Hi Cat! Haven't seen a new thread of yours in ages. Have you started another one yet?

Hope you are doing alright!

[Phoenix_spark]

I love these words. Keep working to satisfy self.

[BeingMe]

Journalling ...

My H was away this weekend, visiting his brother in Florida, so will only be back home on Friday. It's quite strange getting used to being alone ... one becomes somewhat independent and self-reliant (which is not a bad thing to be in general, but my H likes to be needed), and possessive of one's space (such as the bed). When he is home on weekends, I sometimes feel crowded in. Not sure if I'm making sense here. I do look forward to seeing him, but we seem to live such separate lives now, and even have very little to talk about when he calls on the phone. Not sure what I can do to change things. Will have to give it some thought. I feel very detached from him right now, and I think I allowed myself to be so as a self-protective mechanism.

My job hunting continues. I have been to a couple of interviews at the local college, but have not received a job offer. I have two interviews there on Tuesday for temp., part-time positions, so I hope I get one. The one is only 2 months long, and the other is a whole year, so I would prefer the second one.

I need to get back to exercising, writing, and painting. I have been feeling somewhat lazy, and apathetic these past couple of months. Not sure why ... perhaps it's the winter blahs! I feel like a wind-up toy that's wound down. I don't even have much of a Christmas spirit this year. I guess I miss my children who are far away, and there is no chance of their coming home, or our going there. We were going to visit D27 in St. Louis just before Christmas, but our water heater ceased working, and we had to buy and have installed a new one which ended up costing Cdn$2,700. Rather a lot for a water heater, but we did get a tankless one, which is a lot kinder to the environment, and easier on the monthly bill, although I suspect it will take as long as the guarantee (10 years) before it begins to pay for itself. Anyway, the point is, we don't have as much money to spend this Christmas, especially on travelling. We may still go to our previous city to visit D20 and other family. Depends on the weather, and if the roads are safe since it will be a trip over the Rockies (approx. 12 hours away).

I am sure I will have gained my Christmas spirit by the time it arrives. I just need to read some uplifting books, and listen to some Christmas carols and such. This time of year is usually my favourite, but the dynamics of our family has changed so much, but I do try and make it as traditional as possible for our youngest, D15. She still enjoys all the decorations, the stockings, the food, and the usual things we do on Christmas Day.

Well, I have written a dictionary here, so will toodle off to do some laundry. D15 is visiting with friends and has a Christmas thing later with air cadets, and S20 is at work until this evening. So, I am on my own right now, and rather enjoying the quiet.

I will conclude this post with the following thought:
"True greatness...always requires regular, consistent, small, and sometimes ordinary and mundane steps over a long period of time." --Howard W. Hunter, "True Greatness", Ensign, May 1982, 19. Another way of describing those small steps.

Take care, y'all!

[whatisis]

Being Me, sadly I used to feel happier when W wasn't around! But, I was getting all that verbal and emotional abuse so it was better to feel alone while actually being alone. That's not your sitch but I can understand how you get used to being alone and sometimes prefer it! When he's gone you don't have to deal with the sitch face to face all the time, it's kind of a relief but at some point it gets beyond that. So it's time for Being Me to recharge those batteries and get ready for Christmas, make it the best one yet, you can do it!

[Phoenix_spark]

I used to feel happier when W wasn't around! But, I was getting all that verbal and emotional abuse so it was better to feel alone while actually being alone...but I can understand how you get used to being alone and sometimes prefer it!...you don't have to deal with the sitch face to face all the time, it's kind of a relief...

I can totally relate to that. Makes it tempting to give up easily, but then I can see the big picture and know that nothing will be solved. Since I can see positive changes, I'm going to stick with it and see what works out.

[Phoenix_spark]

Must be one busy girl. I hope that's good. I still listen and learn every day.

[BeingMe]

I have been somewhat remiss in keeping up with my own thread. Wii, I will try and make this Christmas the best I can. So far, lights are up, tree is too and decorated, shopping mostly done, menu done, gifts sent to daughters far away, so now it's just a matter of waiting for the day.

Phoenix, I have been pretty busy, but also starting to feel less need to be here. I have been offered a job (yay) at the local college, and start on Jan. 7. It's a 20-hour a week job, so I will have time to continue my creative stuff, and time to taxi D15 around.

Other than that, not much else happening. I am sad I won't see my D27 and D20 for Christmas, but that's life. I am glad my S20 and D15 are still here with which to enjoy the day. H comes home on Saturday morning, and will be home until Jan. 2. As far as our R goes ... nothing has changed much. I don't think he will ever truly understand what he did to our M, and I doubt he thinks he needs to do any changing. I don't talk to him about it anymore (haven't done so in almost a year) since it's pointless trying to explain anything to him. He just says he's sorry for hurting me and won't do it again. It's also been months since I talked to him about our intimacy problem, but I don't think he feels there is a problem, and he just says I shouldn't feel there is. Nice to be told how I should feel, huh! Now, I am pretty detached, and not in the least interested in an intimate R with H ... sure, we hug and kiss hullo/goodbye, but that's it. We 'talk' to each other several times a day, mostly about his work/travelling and how my day is going. Nothing earth shattering! Really boring! On the very odd occasion we might actually have an interesting chat about politics or something, when out to our usual dinner date on a Saturday, and we sometimes watch a good movie that we have enjoyed together, and may comment on that. Otherwise, it's all about the kids, the house, his job, and I guess there's nothing really wrong with that, except I wonder what the heck we have in common anymore, besides that. This is not what I wanted when I took H back, and I have tried to negotiate a new M, but he doesn't get it, and I have stopped trying. I used to think I may be a WAW one day, but I don't even think of that anymore. Just take it one day at a time, and see where it goes, until I am inspired to do something different, and outrageous. I still wish I could've got the job in Afghanistan .... might have brought us closer if we had that much space, but it wasn't meant to be, I guess.

I have been feeling somewhat despondent (almost depressed) lately ... not sure why. I sure do need to snap out of it. I guess it's the time of year, and I feel the absence of friends and family that much more sharply.

Take care, y'all, and sorry for the downer posting. I need to revisit my GAL goals.

[fooled again]

BeingMe

I wanted to check out your thread since you have been giving me so much to think about on mine. I wanted to see from what vantage point your philosophical musings come. And now that I understand a little more of what you've been through, I can accept some of your advice a little more readily, being that you have traveled this path for some time.

This is a tough time of year for many people, and I guess even harder for those of us who have high expectations of ourselves and those around us. My father always taught me to stick up for myself, for what I deserve and I think I may have forgotten that for awhile. It's starting to come back, through what you (and others) have been posting on my thread. I think I have been fighting to hang onto something that I had already lost a long time ago, which quite a bit different from fighting for what I feel I deserve. Maybe that is how I find the strength to get through this and really make my life into what I want it to be, and my M into what I believe it could be, if that's possible.

You wrote

I don't think he will ever truly understand what he did to our M

and I wonder that about my H. But maybe we are both wrong and they simply want to put that part in a compartment and send it away so that life can be simple again. In the midst of the drama of everything I have been and am still going through, I envy you a little the boring, predictability of daily life. But I would hate to see you a WAW after having come so far. I guess that is one of my own biggest fears, that after I go through this hell with my H, if I get him to come home and our lives find some normalcy, that I will discover that that which I fought so hard to get back won't be the thing I really needed after all, that I will be disappointed.

I hope that you do find joy in the little things this season brings. I guess that is where we all have to start to look for joy, passion, love. Those little things are like wild strawberries, tiny and hard to find, but just one on your tongue tastes like music!

Merry Christmas and thank you for taking the time to read and write to me.

P.S. Thanks for turning me on to Great Big Sea. They are fantastic, upbeat, and though I was familiar with a couple of their songs, I never really listened to the lyrics. Great music to pick me up when I'm feeling down - "When I'm Up I Can't Get Down", may become my new theme song!!