Time for honesty & truth for a new beginning pt 2

[phbear316]

well, it happened, at 1030 tonight i found h sitting on couch crying. I went up to him and said what is wrong, please talk to me. He would not talk, he just had his head in his hands and he was crying. I just sat on the floor. I started to cry, because it hurt me to see him in so much pain

I asked h again to please talk to me you are in so much pain, talk to me. H after two or three struggles of saying he could not tell me, he could not hurt me. I finally said something is troubling you tell me. H would not tell me. I finally said please tell me. I said is it bad like is she pregnant? H said no nothing like that. Then tell me, by this time i am sitting on the floor crying, telling h to talk to me, please.

H finally mans up an says, "i'm sorry its taken me so long to tell you this, but i can't keep hurting you like this. I'm going to florida tomorrow". I did not know how to tell you, i could not tell you, i know how hard this is going to be for you. I want you to be with your family for Christmas, there is no place for me there. I said I would deal with it, just be patient with them they are hurt. I would work something out. H said he wants to go to clear his head, he cannot take the pressure of the job and pressure of our situation. He is ready to crack under pressure.

To make a long night shorter, i told h, listen to me someone here has to be a hero in this relationship right now , and i want it to be me. You have carried me in the past, let me carry you. (he thanked me for that) If lt means letting you go to florida to clear you head to bring you back to me then so be it. I cannot stop you. Go, and clear your head. I will miss you, this is the first christmas in 17 years that we will not be together, but if this needs to happen for you than so be it. If this is what you need to do than do it. I understand.

We cried for a while, had a drink and then I fell asleep for a while on the love seat with him on the couch. First time in a long time h has showed any emotion reguarding us, first time h has showed any emotion in along time

I have very mixed emotions about tonight, I feel maybe h is willing to work on us but i am unsure right now. I think he is only sorry for xmas nothing else. I don't know if he is willing to work on us when he returns. I did say to h well at least we will have new years together, he said a very weak yes, which makes me believe he is not going to be with me for new years either, i think he will be with ow.

I feel torn about jan and even told h i was torn, i want him to come down to fla with me. h did not give me an answer, h said why don't you bring your mom, i said do you really think i want to spend 10 days with her? H then said i should cancel and we would talk about it when he got back and maybe go at another time. This i am so unsure of. H said i need and deserve a vacation, i said yes, i am very torn, i want to go, but don't want to be alone. I don't know

Maybe you will think i did this all wrong tonight, but I had to show him i am strong enough to let him go, hoping he will come back to me.

my heart is broken, but believe it or not I am at peace. Not sure how i will feel in am, h wants to drive himself to airport, says he knows i would take him, but knows it would be hard on me. No kidding, you think, I have to get up in am and say goodbye to him for 10 days not knowing if this is the end or the beginning of a new us. I want to call mil in am talk to her, but am kinda hurt did talk to her today and she did not say a word to me, but why am i mad at her i;ve known this information since Nov. Just want her to tell me to listen to me and hear me out. I know i am wrong for thinking this,

H also says he was trying to find me a christmas present also of a gym bag and workout clothes, but was not successful. I told him i had some small gifts for him too. I also told him i sent his family gifts because h did not tell me what his plan was about gifts told him all of what i bought his family, told him he could tell them the gifts were also from him, i just wanted them to know that i still loved them too.

a broken hearted bear