A personal journey through Karen's eyes

[Dom R]

You are missing my point. The reason the slob should do some vacuuming is that nobody is really a complete slob. How often has it occurred on this BB that after a big crisis the LD spouse suddenly recognizes "Gee,I guess I actually do like sex too after all.".

MJ... there really are people that Dont Do Vacuuming. Period.

(i know this, because, a long time ago, I used to be one of them )

so, you are basing at least some of what you say, on invalid assumptions.

So what I'm saying is that marital fusion is actually sort of a mild form of insanity and maintaining your own balanced, differentiated, non-co-dependent level of functioning is about the only preventative measure you can take. Counting on selfless behavior from others is kind of really stupid even if you are suffering under the delusion that you are capable of it yourself.

You seem to be looking for some kind of "mutually enlightened self-interest" approach for a relationship. I take that, primarily from these last few sentances of yours. I have a bit of difficulty understanding your descriptions of "levels of functioning"... but what I get from it, is that you are kind of looking for "cooperative roommates, who arent dependant on each other, but 'appreciate' each others presence, and enjoy a great sex life together".
You seem to imply, that this is the Only Sensible Thing To Do.



Well.. I think that you are right, in that reguard. It is the only "sensible" thing to do.
As for me, though... I'd rather have, and give, "love".
Not "romantic, ooey-gooey crush feelings" love. But deliberately chosen, and ideally mutually given, selfless love.

love, is an eminently NON-sensible behaviour.
It isnt logical to give to someone, when they are not giving something back to you on a equal basis.

Given a choice, between a life with a "highly functioning, non-codependant indivdual", or a life with someone who chose to love me and care about me... even if they arent a particularly "highly functioning individual"... I would personally pick a life with the second person.
I'd like to share my life with someone, with whom we can both say to each other.."I KNOW you're not perfect... I KNOW you have faults (and some of them can be durn irritating)... but I choose to love you and be with you and cherish you anyway. For the rest of our lives."

Ideally, also i'd like that to be with the woman I chose to marry 10 years ago. sigh....