Thankyou Micheal and Sue for your kind words. This site has been extremely helpful and comforting to hear from people who know what I am going through. I felt that the affair was a fantasy - that he was living a fantasy with this OW - he was away from the domestic mundane routine of day to day when living with someone - the chores, the house, the child and he was leading the single life and only seeing the OW at her best. I though pretty soon he will hit reality the single life wont be that great and miss his home and us and everything that goes with being a family. But to realize he is living with her was a very difficult blow. She has a child too - its like we have been replaced already me and my D. That he has chosen to live with the OW and her child instead of his own D. To think they are sleeping in the same bed every night and do all the things you do when you live with someone - its just very hard. Now he wants over night visitation with my D at his new apartment. How do you do that? How do you turn your child over to a woman who helped destroy your family. I cant believe the OW will be in my D's life. We are not even officially separated.My lawyer says there is nothing I can do about it if he denied the relationship and she does too and there is no evidence other than "roommates". I tried AD's in 9/07 - in fact I switched meds sev times becuase nothing seemed to help - either I could not sleep and was extremely anxious only to be put on something that would bring me too far down. Then my family urged me to talk to someone - I saw a pschiatrist for 2 sessions - mentioned sometimes I can hear my husband around the house after 20 years and she thought I was suffering from paranoia and put me on something very strong which I did not like the effect. I went off it immed. My husband found out I was on meds and told his lawyer. H has always been anti therapy and meds - thinks you are weak if you do that - H is twisted in alot of his thinking I am very reluctant to try anything else since I has such a bad exp. There are days where I feel like I can move on and then someething happens - either a letter from lawyer or contact with him or finding out new info. -such as hes living with her - just when I think maybe I can move on I get a punch in the stomach. I want to go dark but you cant when you are in the middle of a law suit and have to have contact because of child. I really think if I did not hear from him by email of anything for awhile I would be ok.
If you go completely dark for awhile, I bet he will come around.
I'm glad to see you have already made changes.
Then only thing I can add, is dwell on yourself, the things that make YOU happy and take care of yourself and your c hild......not on what HE is doing, has done or might do. Those things just make you nuts, and what he is doing is really second to what you are doing anyway.
Take really good care of yourself....if you lost a lot of weight, you might not b e eating well. Make sure you get your nutrients, exercise and happiness.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Ellis. Your situation is happening so fast. Most of us at least have time on our side, to take in the horrible news (bomb of A, spouse leaving, etc) one piece by one piece.
Now. Onto your 6 yr old and you. No more talk of your H. He is taking care of himself, so we don't need to worry about him. Tell yourself over and over "Its his mess, its his mess....". Your daughter needs/deserves a consistent, involved mom so much at this moment. She is treading water and needs help. You have got to kick in here. Here is how I thought when I was in your stage..."I have an hour. I can avoid my daughters, cry, and wallow. Or I can sit and play Barbies and pass the hour that way". Time will move on, how you spend it is your choice. Please try to take that one step forward.
I know all about the self esteem and confidence thing. What will help you bring that back for yourself is knowing you are taking care of your daughter, you are stepping up, being the better person, being consistent with your love for her.
Please take care. I know how you feel. I was there in July.
sgc and Iwb your both right - I have to put us first - me and my D. Weekends are espec. hard I imagine them together on a Sat night - what are they doing and then torture myself wondering what kind of sex they have and are they in love. It does drive me nuts. Iwb - I do keep repeating " its his mess" to myself and its true it does help. I want you to know that one line you wrote that I could spend an hour crying or passing it by playing with my daughter really hit home. I have really been ignoring her and I used to love being a mom - I guess my H made me feel that what I have done for 6 yrs meant nothing because when he left he told me I should have returned to work a long time ago and he resented that I was a stay at home mom for 6 yrs. My D is 6 yrs old and in all that time he never once complained about money or asked me to work - which I would have been glad to help out - I thought its what he wanted for his D too so I kept staying home with her. I was planning on going back this yr anyway. Its all because hes involved with a coworker and so shes the opposite of me.My D and I started last night to get back to doing special things together becuase of what you said - Thankyou - it does take your mind off of things. I have gotten a job that starts in Jan so I know when I am out of the house too meeting new people and just keeping busy as a single mom it will help. I have not contacted H and will not - only about visitation - whatever happens - happens - its out of my hands. Thankyou all - will try to keep this attitude up
Ellis, I am so glad to try and help. I know right where you are, and its awful. When you are alone (D is asleep), try and find something to keep you busy. I know the nights are rough. And when your D is awake, soak up the time with her. I felt like a very 'distracted' Mom (still do at times), and then I realized its not fair to my daughters.
You are getting some good advice here from veteran DBers (esp. sgctxok). It's all spot-on.
So you are getting the "what to do" stuff. Now allow me to add the "why you are doing it" part. Getting where you need to be will not be easy. It took me four months to get to where I am now regarding what I am about to tell you. You need to get there much quicker. This is the advice I give to all of the newbies. I repeat it so often because it helped me to see where I needed to get to. I will tell you where I went and how I got there.
So here it is. You need to get to the point where you no longer believe that your happiness is dependent on the love and acceptance of your husband. Because it isn't. YOU determine how happy you are. It's in your hands.
Imagine, if you will, if (heaven forbid) your husband were to die. Today. How would you react? Yes, you would mourn his loss. You would be very sad. Rightfully so, in spite of recent events. However, after a period of time, you would reach a point where you would turn to your daughter (or look in the mirror) and say, "He's gone, and we need to get on with life."
It is important that you begin thinking like that. You have mourned the loss of your husband. Now it is time to be there for your daughter, and get on with your life. Focus on you. Quit smoking, begin exercising, join a mother's group, rock climbing club, women's prayer group, volunteer at your daughter's school (or her extra-curricular activity)... whatever... but GO AND DO SOMETHING. Engage your mind. Mingle with others. Get on with your life as if your husband is gone forever.
Thanks Iwb - sound like you have pulled it together for your little girls and I am trying. Yes, the nights are very long - as you can see what time it is now. I lay down with my D and help her fall asleep about 8:00 and then I sleep until about 1:00 or 2:00 and then I'm up all night and day. Ohio mark - I was thinking that I should pretend he died but the hard thing about this is you constantly have contact with this person bec of your child and I am always have to going to hear whats going on in his life bec D6 and I are very close and she confides in me about her visits with H even if I dont ask and I feel I cant tell her not to tell me bec then she will feel she cant tell me about her feelings. I want every one to know yes I am smoking like a fiend and have begun to cut down - but absolutely not around my D - I go in the basement w/ the window open. I do have a treadmill sitting in the garage. I am going to try - thanks for your no nonsense advice - every one has given me such great advice and support - every day I check my threads and feel so much better after I hear from you guys - right now this site is what is keeping me going -
After my divorce I went b ack to school. There were times when I was so self focused, crying (I wanted the divorce, but actually going through it was tough) and stuff....and missed times when my kids (girls, 6 and 2 at the time) needed me to be really present. My oldest -- now 20 loves to remind me of it when she's mad at me. (I came here for another relationship.)
You're doing the right thing having fun with her. It eases her stress and makes her life better.
Influence what you can with your H in a gentle way. If you push hard, it may backfire...and you can't really control it that way.
He may be willing to see the wisdom in it.
"she confides in me about her visits with H even if I dont ask and I feel I cant tell her not to tell me bec then she will feel she cant tell me about her feelings."
That's perfect. Let her talk, and you shield yourself from expressing anything negative about dad and OW. Even though you would be justified, it will hurt her. OW will not likely be around for years...so just let her pass through.
"I want every one to know yes I am smoking like a fiend and have begun to cut down - but absolutely not around my D ..."
Gotta treat your body well, girlfriend. Gotta be around a long time for your sweet girl.
My D20, smokes 2 packs a day. Kills me. Can you imagine your little one smoking when she grows up.
Stop now.
You are a great momma. Your attitudes are right. Your decisions are good.
Hang in there, it will be ok.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
sgc - no i cant imaginge my D smoking - your right - i quit smoking years ago but the minute my H dropped the bomb thats what I went for. I dont want to be a smoker and will be quitting - i just dont have the will power right now. Yesterday was a very diffucult day - i dont know why - I guess now that I realize I have to move on and GAL I have to realize I need to let go - since we have little contact H and I - its really out of my hands - so spent whole day crying on and off but feeling more together now and promising myself to exercise today - go for a walk and smoke less. question for everybody out there going dark - when you have to email for visitation - do you act cold and to the point or flippant and happy? I know only to email about visitation but I get confused if I'm too curt H will see me a cold and negative - then if I'm friendly but not too friendly will he read into that as just another ploy to get him back since I begged so much in the beginning. Example: Offered H to see D over xmas to take her out for few hours (he wont come in house)- said I dont want you to feel that you cant see Isabella over holidays so let me know if you want to -thanks - H emails back THankyou I would and I want to drop her xmas presents off on Sunday if I could. I email back "ok" with no greeting - nothing - because I was trying to distance myself but then thought just emailing one word sounds like I'm pissed off? I know it sounds trivial but our M if anything is left is hanging by a thread and I dont want to push him even farther than he is if there is the slightest chance he may change his mind.Since email is my only contact I want to convey I have moved on but not push farther. How do I act when he drops off presents - uninterested and reserved? or happy and nonchalant? Any suggestions? Thanks (I know my question seems the opposite of what I said that I know I need to move on and let go which I will work on - but at the same time do not want to do anymore damage and solidify in his mind the image he has of me of the nagging, always diagreeing with him negative pathetic begging wife)
You are smart and good...you know which questions to ask:
do you act cold and to the point or flippant and happy? flippant and happy
I email back "ok" with no greeting perfect
How do I act when he drops off presents - uninterested and reserved? or happy and nonchalant? happy and nonchalant?
nonchalant, nonchalant nonchalant!!!!!
but at the same time do not want to do anymore damage and solidify in his mind the image he has of me of the nagging, always diagreeing with him negative pathetic begging wife)
You are the quickest DBer!!!!!
You know what image you need to change, and you already know how.
YOU GO GIRL!!! You will be soooooooo successful.
When he lingers to talk (at whatever point, now or in the near future) you would LOVE to....you are just sooo BUSY right now, but feel free to call me and we can get together.
Then don't answer for a couple of times that he calls.
Meantime....have fun. Make the improvements you need. Oh. And have fun. (It's very attractive on you)
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
