is he too young for MLC?

[WAS32]

So today I am just numb. H showed up at my house at 2:30 in the morning. He had been drinking and woke me up cuddling. I was feeling a little unsure but it was nice to have him there. But the more I start to think about it the more I am thinking I am his back up plan. If things are not going as planned for him he comes to me. How much is giving too much? If it starts to hhurt me is that too much?

Today we were watching T.V. and he made breakfast because I told him that I was too sick to do it. He did it begrudgingly though. And then we started to talk about X-mas presents and all hell broke loose. He starts yelling and swearing at me about getting a job and making my own f@#king money. I said that was fine but was he gonna help with daycare costs? We do have a D4 who needs someone to look after her and a S8 who has to come home to someone after school. He hasn't been paying me foe the kids. He did buy $200.00 worth of groceries last week but that's it.

I don't yell at him for all the things that he buys himself or the money he spends at the bar. i actually don't even mention it. But I do think he should have some of the expenses for the kids. Of course this is a blow up so I just walked away and let him leave. Not going to get anywhere with him when he's like this.

The whole fight made me upset for about 5 mins and then everything came rushing back. All the times he did this to me. Placed blame and responsibility all on my shoulders. To the point where I really started to feel like an inadaquete wife. All the times he walked out on me because he didn't want to deal with a problem. He puts on this "I'm great" act in front of all his friends and this is "all my wifes fault" additude.

Well I have no problem admitting when I am wrong but I am tired of taking the blame for things I didn't do. I think i have to seperate myself from him for a little while. i know it won't be hard because I am pretty sure he is going to do the same thing right now. He'll need someone to blame if X-mas is ruined.I know it sounds crazy, but that is what he'll do. Not being in my face everyday made me forget how much I really have been taking on. Today was an eye opener. Time to really work on GAL and letting those things go. They have been heavy to carry around for so long.

I really hope I feel like this tomorrow too!!!!!

Thanks for listening again!

[mrarow]

You know it woke me up when my wife put her foot down and went with the "I love you but am not in love with you anymore. I love your best friend!" Boy did my life ever change when i herd that!I woke up but I think it may have been to late for her! I am in giving her space mode. I guess what I'm saing is he may not be seeing things clearly and is defanitly taking you for granted by treating you with little respect. I am sorry you are here at this form and going thru this kind of pain this time of year. Its very hard to be in an unhappy relationship. Try and figure out what you need to be happy and let him know it before you can't make things workout and have givin up.

[WAS32]

I got a text from him today saying that he got a job so I didn't need to worry about money and he was sorry for being an ass. I haven't relpied to it. I know he is at his parents house right now and will be bringing S8 home soon. I just don't want to see him right now. Being sick and it so close to X-mas my emotions are all over the place. Not ready to have any kind of talk with him. Everyone is pushing X-mas down my throat and I am getting tired of it. I can try to fake it but I am not very good at it. And his family is very emotional so the whole day is going to be all over the place. They are trying to get me to commit to it but I haven't yet. I'm sure I will end up there but I don't feel like going.

[WAS32]

I got a text from him today saying that he got a job so I didn't need to worry about money and he was sorry for being an ass. I haven't relpied to it. I know he is at his parents house right now and will be bringing S8 home soon. I just don't want to see him right now. Being sick and it so close to X-mas my emotions are all over the place. Not ready to have any kind of talk with him. Everyone is pushing X-mas down my throat and I am getting tired of it. I can try to fake it but I am not very good at it. And his family is very emotional so the whole day is going to be all over the place. They are trying to get me to commit to it but I haven't yet. I'm sure I will end up there but I don't feel like going.

[WAS32]

Sorry didn't mean to post twice. Laptop a little sensative.

[WAS32]

Well I am a little sad tonight. H dropped off S8 around 6:30. If I hadn't come to the door he wouldn't even have talked to me. He asked me if I got the text he sent. I said yes I did. He wanted to know why I didn't reply. I told him that I just didn't know what to say to him anymore. I was and am scared to talk to him. Everything I say is wrong. He asked me if I had planned on telling him about S8 X-mas concert and I said yes. He figured I was keeping it from him.I wasn't. It was only this afternoon that I realized it is on Tuesday. I would have told him when he dropped our son off. He just beat me to it. But again, I'm always wrong. I miss my best friend. i don't know where he went. His body comes around but not the man I fell in love with. It just hurts today.

[WAS32]

Is it okay to stay guarded with him or should I just say what is on my mind? He called today about our taxes and he does such a good job of acting as if. I didn't get emotional with him I was just polite. I am trying to do this right and work on the things that work but right now nothing works with him. I am trying to figure out what else I can try. I will see him tomorrow night at the concert and I am actually nervous about seeing my own H. That just seems ridiculous to me.

I guess I just have to get better at this as if attitude. And fake it til we make it stuff. I think today i might start putting up X-mas stuff and try to get myself in the mood for this holiday. I know the kids need it and I will probably find that I needed it too.

[mrarow]

I am not doing very well in my own situation so i can't realy give advice but i am sure someone will give you some on this. I know its hard to get in the Christmas mood I hear you but your kids do need it. Have fun decorating it does help

[WAS32]

So I had a message on the house phone for my H today and decided that I would text him the info. When I went to text him I found a text on there from him. This is what it said. I am sorry. i miss my best friend everyday. Some days more than others. I just don't think i am getting better and I don't know what to do.

I completely broke down. i couldn't stop the tears if I tried. I sent him a text back with the info I had for him and I told him i wish i could fix all of this but i can't. I haven't heard from him since then. The info i sent him was about his C appointment tomorrow. Which is at the same time as mine. So I guess i'm a little nervous about having to see him. i don't know if he will show up because he just started his new job today.

I did start taking out X-mas stuff. My tree is up with lights, just no decorations yet. Maybe later tonight when I can't sleep.

Just a little bit of journalling again.

Thanks for listening!

[mrarow]

Glad you are tring to get in the spirit of Christmas!Hope it helps, I know its very hard. Tried to send you a private message on here today but it says it is full? Hope your nite went better than mine...